I’d Hit That, Too

Title: I’d Hit That, Too
Author: Keira Marcos
Fandom: MCU
Genre: Gen
Summary: Just a little slice of life fic where Tony has two kids that the Avengers were completely unaware of.
Warnings: No Beta (none desired)

– – – –

Tony was only half-assed paying attention to the briefing. Frankly, he was still pissed about Coulson being alive for months without telling them and as a result, took his ire out on Hill and Fury. He was just too genuinely pleased to see Phil to be rude to him which sort of sucked. His tablet suddenly threw off an alarm and he sat up straight.

“Jarvis?”

“Code Ivory.”

Tony stood up immediately and headed for the door, ignoring every single question thrown his way. “Jarvis, prep the suit. Call Pepper and let her know to prepare the press kit just in case this is related to me and not her own activities.” He flicked a mild glare at Thor who was among those trailing after him towards their hanger on the helicarrier. “Confirm location?”

“Her last report placed her on campus at MIT as she planned,” Jarvis explained as Tony allowed himself to be melded with the suit. “Her phone has been turned off but the location beacon is still active. She’s traveling at high speed away from Boston. Uploading coordinates and a flight plan.”

“Tony?” Steve started and grabbed his arm. “Hey, what’s going on? What’s a Code Ivory? Who’s at MIT? Let us help… I think I speak for everyone when I say we’d rather not have another twenty-four hours like we did with that Mandarin mess.”

“Get in the quinjet,” Tony said shortly. “I’ll brief you en route.”

– – – –

Darcy Antonia Lewis was kind of fed up with government agencies stealing her iPod. It was her one rebellion against her father and frankly she’d spent a lot of time and money creating her playlists. It really didn’t matter that money had never been much of an issue. Being the secret, but beloved, love child of Tony Stark had its perks after all.

“Ah, Miss Stark, it’s a pleasure to have you with us.”

Darcy looked up from her bound hands to stare at the man who had dragged her onto the plane she was on. “You’re not SHIELD. They know better than to mess with me these days. Also, they have much better intelligence. I’m not and never have been Miss Stark. I doubt you’re NSA or CIA. Kidnapping isn’t the FBI’s bailiwick unless they’ve started to branch out when I was looking which I so seriously doubt.” She started to say more but then just sighed as General Thaddeus Ross joined them.

“Miss Lewis then? Thank you for agreeing to speak with me.”

Darcy glared. “I did no such thing, you twat. Your jack-booted thugs kidnapped me while I was on my way to my applied mathematics class.”

“Your father is a difficult man,” Ross said coolly. “He’s also harboring a criminal and a threat to national security. Frankly, Miss Lewis, you’re cooperation would go a long way to protecting your father.”

“Dr. Banner is not a threat to national security,” Darcy rolled her eyes. “He helped save the planet. The President of the United States declared him a treasure. Besides, Reed Richards developed that serum to help him control himself when he’s the Hulk which worked like a dream. Didn’t you see the documentary on Discovery Channel about it last month? It was awesome!”

“He’s government property and you’re going to convince your father to stop interfering in our matters legally so we can reclaim our property.”

“Slavery is illegal,” Darcy said. “Dr. Banner is a human being and you can’t just own people, you heartless asshat.”

“Miss Lewis, your father would like me to remind you that a lady doesn’t use such language,” Jarvis said over the intercom of the plane. “And please put on your seatbelt.”

Darcy dropped the ropes she’d cut with the small laser that her father had embedded in her sweet sixteen ring and promptly put on the seatbelt. “Set!”

“General Ross, your plane is being redirected to a private airport owned by Stark Industries. Any action on your part to prevent this will be met with extreme force,” Jarvis said coolly. “If you take any action against Miss Lewis, I will dedicate myself to ruining you before and after causing your messy, painful death. I will ruin your children, your grandchildren, and create a time machine so I can ruin your parents and grandparents.”

Darcy grinned. “I’m Jarvis’ favorite Stark kid.”

“There is more than one?” Steve Rogers demanded. “Tony? You have more than one kid?”

“Yes, but technically only one love child,” Tony said cheerfully. “I helped a couple of my friends from college have a kid. He’s great. Brilliant and less inclined towards flights of fancy involving majoring in political science.”

“Yeah, but I’m more entertaining and less inclined to jump off buildings.”

“This is true,” Tony conceded. “You got your seatbelt on, sweetheart?”

“Yep.”

“Great,” Tony said.

Darcy turned to stare at the door at the back of the plane just as her father wrenched it open and stepped into the plane. He stalked across the space separating them, unfastened her seatbelt and picked her up. “Hey.”

“Hey, kiddo. Hold on,” Tony said shortly. He turned to Ross even as Darcy curled her fingers into a niche on Iron Man’s armor made just for her. “You come near one of my kids again, Ross, and I’ll kill you.”

In just under a minute, her father was landing in the open doorway of a quinjet. It closed behind them as he strode forward and put her down on a bench. He stepped away briefly, took off the armor and huffed. “You okay? Did that twat touch you inappropriately? I can go back and blow him up if he did.”

“I’m fine,” Darcy assured. She rubbed her wrist. “They didn’t even drug me—just sort of picked me up and tossed me in a van. And tied me up. Oh, and he took my iPod and threw it out a window! He said it might be a tracking device! Can you believe that? Then he just turned my phone off and kept it on the plane! How does he become the arch nemesis of an amazingly hot genius like Dr. Banner? That’s just stupid.” She huffed and looked around the quinjet. She caught sight of Captain America and smirked. “God bless America.”

Tony laughed. “I know.”

“Does he run around in that outfit all the time?” Darcy asked. “Because seriously—how do you get anything done if he does?”

Steve blushed. “Never mind, Stark, I have no doubts about her parentage. You know she has Howard’s smile?”

Tony grinned. “Yeah, I did know. It was one of the first things I noticed about her when we met. She was already about three years old at that point.”

“Oh, look, it’s Agent. Lying, mean, iPod stealing Agent who pretended to be dead for months.” Darcy glared at Phil. “I cried, you know, at your FAKE FUNERAL!” She refocused on her father. “You assembled the Avengers for this?”

“I was in a meeting. They’re all pretty pissed about Malibu.”

“I am, too,” Darcy declared. “I liked that house! It was my favorite of all the houses. I was going to ask for that house when I got my first PhD.” She crossed her arms over her ample chest.

“I’m sorry,” Banner said suddenly. “I mean… he kidnapped you because of me.”

Darcy raised an eyebrow at him and grinned when he blushed. She turned to her father. “Okay, I’ll transfer to NYU and live in the tower.”

Tony laughed. “I’ll have Jarvis make the arrangements and pack your things. Want to take the rest of the semester off to recover from your horrifically painful loss?”

“It was my favorite iPod.”

Tony scowled at her. “You know the gen6 model of the Starkphone has four times the physical memory of that crappy iPod.”

“Yes, but I don’t have a gen6 phone,” Darcy said and batted her eyelashes at him. “I don’t have any phone at all thanks to General Asshat.”

“I’ll give you one if you’ll stop buying Apple products with my money. It’s soul damaging.” Tony dropped down on the bench beside her. “Your brother doesn’t treat me this way. He takes my tech and says thank you like a decent human being. You post selfies of yourself on Facebook with an iPad just to hurt me.”

“Speaking of,” Jarvis said. “Mr. Parker is requesting an update.”

Darcy plucked her father’s phone from his hand. “Set us up, J.” She glanced around the jet again. “It’s like a group of supermodels came to my rescue.” A face suddenly filled the screen in front of her. “Sperm Donation!”

“Love Child,” a male voice said dryly in return. “You okay? I can and will bomb the shit out of Ross’ house if he hurt you or looked at your tits. Did he look at your tits?”

“Who doesn’t?” Darcy asked, wide-eyed. “I have an outstanding rack.”

“Well, Dad is fond of the go big or go home principal. You seriously okay?”

“Seriously okay,” Darcy assured. “I’m on a quinjet. I got all the hotness.”

“I’m pretty sure you could bounce a quarter off Captain America’s ass,” the kid confided without a hint of shame. “And don’t even get me started on Black Widow. Christ, I didn’t know they made women like that.”

“You liar. You totally knew they made women like that,” Darcy said. “Remember that stash of porn…”

“Darcy! Shut up, you’re the reason I can’t have nice things,” the boy said crossly.

“Ha, ha, I’m pretty sure you’re the reason you can’t have nice things. How’s your girlfriend? Still way too hot to be dating you, I’m sure.”

“She’s fine. Started Columbia last week.”

“I thought she was going to go to NYU with you.”

“Eh.”

“Is that ‘eh—I’m going to get a new girlfriend’ or ‘eh—Mary Jane broke me into a million pieces’ or ‘eh—I’m so lonely I could die?’”

“It’s eh—my girlfriend has a poster of dad on her wall and it’s really difficult keeping an erection with Iron Man glaring down at you.”

Darcy burst out laughing. “Poor you.”

“You coming to New York? Because you should—obviously Boston can’t be trusted with your safety.” There was some clicking in the background. “I can have Jarvis hack NYU and get you enrolled for classes this semester.”

“I could do that shit myself,” Darcy exclaimed. “What are you doing?”

“Ruining Thaddeus Ross’ credit.”

Tony grabbed the phone. “Peter.” He frowned. “Are you running a level six encryption?”

The audible huff surprised no one in their stunned silent audience. “Of course I am, what sort of man do you take me for?”

Tony smirked. “When you finish with that—instigate an IRS audit.”

“Been there, done that,” Peter bragged. “I’m in the middle of flagging all of his government projects so he’ll end up in front of the Senate Arms Committee. I also leaked all the experimentation footage on Abomination five minutes ago. And, I’m having Jarvis Photoshop some pictures of him… let’s just say that I didn’t know you could do that with a horse and survive it.” He huffed. “And… you should know that both of our identities were leaked on CNN’s website as of six minutes ago.”

“Did they call us bastards?” Darcy demanded and took the phone back. “I’ll sue them if they did!”

“No, they got the details pretty accurate…actually, more accurate than should be possible. I thought SHIELD sealed this for Dad years ago. They have your mom’s data, Darcy.”

Darcy paled. “But…that’s…” Tears welled in her eyes. “How…”

“Hey,” Tony took the phone. “Take a deep breath, kid. It’s fine. Peter, I want you in the tower as of ten minutes from now. Lock it down. You and Jarvis work on finding the leak. We’ll be there shortly.”

“Not a problem, Dad.”

Tony ended the phone call with a flick of his thumb and Darcy burst into tears. “Oh, hey, Starks don’t cry.” She all but crawled into his lap and sobbed against his neck. He patted her carefully and ran steady fingers through her hair.

“What’s…” Steve cleared his throat. “I mean…?”

Tony sighed. “I had a lot of military contracts as a younger man. My father had them before me. I fathered Darcy when I was just seventeen—with a girl I met at a party my father had for a bunch of military contractors. It was basically a set up. She seduced me and got pregnant on purpose. I dated her for nearly a year before anyone figured out that she wasn’t who she said she was.”

“My mother is Mystique,” Darcy said sharply. “You know the mutant who kills people for hire? Magneto’s henchgirl. Her. She only carried me to term so she could blackmail Howard Stark.”

“We managed to find them when Darcy was three,” Tony said. “That’s why she was a secret. I spent a lot of money hiding her from other mutants and specifically from her birth mother.” He glared pointedly at Phil.

Phil frowned. “Stark, I sealed the records for both Miss Lewis and Mr. Parker years ago. No one could’ve….”

“You died!” Stark snapped. “You died and anyone taking your place would’ve had the power to unseal those files. If this gets one of my kids hurt, Phil, I’ll destroy S.H.I.E.L.D. It won’t be the first or the last thing my father built that I take a crack at.” The jet landed at that point. He picked Darcy up and stalked out of the quinjet. The Iron Man armor activated and followed.

– – – –

Peter Stark Parker, Steve thought, looked a great deal like his dad. Same dark hair, same dark eyes, same smirk, and same temper. The three of them had disappeared into Tony’s lab without a word to anyone. When they emerged, thirty-six hours later, they’d all headed straight for the kitchen. They moved around each other—brilliant and bickering and drinking three pots of coffee while they made breakfast.

A phone from their pile rang and Darcy picked it up. She hit a button on it and dropped it on the table between her and her father. “Darcy Lewis.”

“What the fuck, Darcy? Your father is Tony motherfucking Stark?”

“Hey,” Peter began with a frown. “Watch how you talk to my sister, asshat.”

“Whatever, Jesus, Darcy! You swore to me that you had nothing to do with me not getting that internship at SI. You said they never called you for a reference!”

Darcy rolled her eyes. “Look… Jack…”

“Jake!”

“Oh, right, Jake. I have no idea what you’re talking about but frankly you aren’t smart enough to work for my Dad. You lack like fifty IQ points on the dumbest person who works for SI. Don’t call me again, asshat.” She pushed a button on the screen. “Jarvis, I need a new number.”

“Mary Jane dumped me for keeping secrets,” Peter said and tossed aside his tablet. “And because she thinks my Dad is hotter than I am.” He eyed Tony briefly and shook his head. “Why can’t you grow old and look like shit?”

“You’ll thank me for my awesome genetic contribution when you’re forty,” Tony said without even looking up from his own tablet. “Also, tell her that we made a pact when you turned eighteen to never, ever sleep with the same woman.”

“Not men?” Darcy asked.

Father and son shared a look and Tony smirked. “No, we agreed there was one person out there we’d both hit given the opportunity and a semi-private location.”

Peter grinned. Leaned over and whispered something in Darcy’s ear.

“Oh, I’d hit that, too,” Darcy confided.

All three of them turned and looked right at Steve Rogers.

Steve sighed and wished he wasn’t blushing. “I hate you all.”

The End

Keira Marcos

In my spare time I write fan fiction and lead a cult of cock worshippers on Facebook. It’s not the usual kind of hobby for a “domestic engineer” in her 30’s but we live in a modern world and I like fucking with people’s expectations.

219 Comments:

  1. Well that sends me off to bed with warm fuzzies and a smile. My husband thinks it is because he looks sexy in his boxers…no need to tell him differently. Thank you for writing and sharing!

  2. *cackle* oh this is awesome!

  3. I couldn’t breath for laughing! I really enjoy stories with Tony as Secret!Dad, especially when Peter or Darcy star as the kid. Total props. Really enjoyed it and the whole idea of it.

  4. Wow
    Love it!

  5. LMAO. Seriously, this is the best thing ever

    ~L

  6. *Squee!!!!* this is so amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!! *becomes incoherent*

  7. Awesome!

  8. who wouldn’t?

  9. Full of awesomeness!!

    :))

  10. Awesome! Thanks for sharing, Keira. ♥

  11. This is so great!! Love Darcy and Peter as Tony’s kids (seen Peter as his kid a few times, but this was the first time I’ve seen Darcy! so cool!). Really enjoyed the family dynamic and especially how all three of them find Steve so hot and Steve being flustered. Thanks so much for writing and sharing!! 🙂

  12. I love it. Fantastic little story, in an awesome verse.

  13. this is awesome! i thnk i am going to be re-reding this MANY times and lauging my ass off each time!

  14. Wonderful! Absolutely wonderful!

  15. Oh, I needed that. Perfect start to the weekend. Thank you!

  16. This cheered me up, cold meds and all!

  17. Tony as Darcy and/or Peter is one of my favorite MCU Tropes.
    I really loved this – thanks heaps for sharing!

  18. Honest to god, anyone shitass stupid enough to so much as *breathe* wrong on someone an Avenger cares about deserves what they’re gonna get. It takes Darwin Award Winner levels of stupidity to think you’re going to do anything but get your ass beat. Which is about right for Ross, because that stupid motherfucker thinks hunting HULK is a good idea. *snort*

    I was cackling like mad through this entire thing.

  19. Loved it. All that Starky snark – no doubt about *their* paternity!

  20. Love this! I have all the warm fuzzies just in time for bed!

  21. Who wouldn’t hit that? Hehe, very nice!

  22. oh my. 😀 that was an excellent weekend present. I loved your cantankerous, brilliant Starks and the other Avengers assembling for the rescue. I also love that Phil doesn’t get off lightly for pulling that shit. damn it.

    >>>”I’ll give you one if you’ll stop buying Apple products with my money. It’s soul damaging.”

    hahah. Darcy is such a troll. poor Pops. 😀 😀

    thanks for sharing this with us.

    • I also love that Phil doesn’t get off lightly for pulling that shit. damn it.

      Aw, Ess, that seems a little harsh; after all, being resurrected wasn’t Phil’s idea, & he was recovering & amnesiac for some time….

      But I think Tony will cope just fine with Darcy’s shenanigans, just as he has with Peter’s: they certainly didn’t get the talent from anywhere strange. »;-)

  23. Such a lovely little fic and such lovely snark 🙂
    A delightful start to my weekend- Thank you for sharing!

  24. This is the first fiction I ever read out of this fandom and it made me smile.
    Thank you for that ^^ have a nice weekend

  25. Loved how they all want Steve. And the snarking was great. This little gem was a complete happy surprise. Thank you.

  26. Loved this. It is filled with snark, bamf and Steve’s ass. We would all hit that. 😉

  27. I squealed like a little girl when I found this in my inbox, thank you so much.

  28. I love this snippet! Thank You! <3

  29. This is awesome. Thank you for sharing

  30. That was such a fun read!

  31. Beautiful. Simply, beautiful. Loved this from the start to the finish, and it’s such a perfect piece, too. Sherza put it perfectly. Messing with the loved ones of an Avenger? Darwin Award Winner! As always, your works are amazing.

  32. Sighing happily. Thank you for putting a bright end on a rather crappy day.

  33. Oh that was wonderful!

  34. Oh I love this! And yeah, you probably could bounce a quarter off of that ass. 😉

  35. OMG, LMAO! This is awesome and since I’m just getting up it’s a great way to start my day.

  36. Thanks for giving me a nice start of the day!

  37. Thank you thank you thank you!! This was a perfect way to start the weekend 🙂 You just… there are no words! Sperm Donation… Love Child… ruining his credit and the horse, just, just, that’s just sooo Stark family interaction and revenge. You are wonderful, and I’m having to stifle my laughter so I don’t wake the hubby… thank you for sharing!

  38. Oh wow this is just fucking fantastic! I literally giggled through it! I love the idea of Stark being Darcy and Peters dad.

    Made of win 🙂

  39. Such fun.

    Oh how I long for a peek at the reaming from the special committee or from the President, since nothing hasnseemed to get through to this consummate asshat. How I long to see the signing of the bill that commits his official AND nonofficial funding to the Repair Harlem fund. How I yearn to see his stars ripped from him by the Secretary of Defense, just before he is led into Leavenworth.

    But these lovely vignettes keep me satisfied in the meantime.

    Thank you for the story.

  40. Very fun story to read to start off my saturday! Yay!

  41. Awesome. Poor Steve…

  42. I set an alarm to wake me up early-ish because the time change had been fucking with my body all week. I’m so happy I got a notification for a new fic. It woke me up all the way and it just set me for the day. You rock and I love Peter and Darcy.

  43. Oh hell yes. That was brilliant. First time I’ve read a “Peter’s Tony’s kids story”. Thank you for the story. Wish there had been more, but I’m ecstatic with what I got.

  44. My co-workers are looking at me, like I am a crazy person for laughing!!!!

    That was awesome… Really, I love this family…

    Thank you for sharing.

  45. So fantastic! Really glad you’ve branched into the Avengers fandom!

  46. Oh my god! This was amazing! It’s like a part of my life was missing and I didn’t even know it until I read this! New head canon is approved! 😀 <3

  47. Fabulous! Thank you SO much!

  48. This is so great. It makes me want to cackle like the crazy woman I am 😉 Thank you for this!

  49. *lol* This was a fun read! Thanks for sharing 😀

  50. LMAO! Oh, that was delightful. Thank you. 🙂

  51. Love, love, love. I can hear Darcy’s voice in those smart quips. Dad-Tony rocks. I can hardly wait for the mayhem if he ever gets grandkids.

  52. Excellent,so funny!!

  53. Ohh.. That’s fantastic.

  54. Perfect way to wake up on a Saturday! Thank you for writing and thank you for sharing!!

  55. *cackles* What a beautiful way to start an otherwise crappy day.

    Thank you for this Gem!!

  56. Loved it! Darcy is one of my faves, and this is great. Thanks for posting.

  57. That was really great on so many levels! Thank you for sharing!

  58. Love Darcy Stark stories and the idea of Tony, Darcy and Peter scheming together to make Steve blush all the time – hell yeah!. Thank You for making me smile like a crazy person 🙂

  59. This is great!

  60. Ahhh, thank you! Lovely way to offset a gray morning!

  61. “God bless America” is right. Thanks for the awesomeness.

  62. I love it!!! You are awesome and I live for your stories and updates. Great writing.

  63. Lol. This explains quite a bit.

  64. This is LOVE!!!!!

  65. The end made me actually get up and jump up and down while giggling like a little child hiding a secret.
    I absolutely adored everything about this, but the end and Love Child and Sperm Donation nicknames Darcy and Peter had for each other were the best parts.

    Huge thank you for sharing!

  66. EVERYBODY is gay for Captain America!

    This was a lot of fun, Keira. I mean a lot of fun. Thanks!

  67. Love it!

  68. O.K, my first thought was when I figured out who our mysterious antagonist was, and it was something like “WHAT THE EVER-LOVING FUCK IS ROSS ON?!”

    Second, as I read it, I was analysing the various relationships, and how comfortable the characters were with giving each other crap; overall, it was HILARIOUS; v. much obliged!

  69. Oh this is just awesome 😀 So good that I cackled out loud at the ending & scared my housemates!

    Thank you for sharing gnus with us 🙂

  70. I love it! The “Darcy Stark” trope is one of my all time favorites, and everything you write is golden and lovely. Thank you!

  71. Oh, that last line! *laughs* Thank you so much! x

  72. Thank you for this! Hell of a lot of fun to read! 🙂

  73. Oh, that was rolicking good fun! Thanks for the great start to the weekend. Loved the fast wit between the Starks, Darcy buying Apple just to piss off Tony, and everyone giving Coulson shit for not telling them he’s alive. <3 <3 <3

  74. Keira wrote Avengers fic! Awesome!

    I love Tony-is-Darcy’s-dad stories. And this was a great one.

  75. That is so great, love it!

  76. That was a GREAT start of my day. LMAO almost from start to finish. Would love more of these. Thank you

  77. The way you portray the bickering and banter between intelligent people who love each other makes my heart sing! That was AWESOME!!

  78. Great way to start a working weekend. Thank you!

  79. *giggles* This is great and Tony is the Dadinator…

  80. This was an amazing thing to wake up to!! Loved it!

  81. Yes! I love this! Where do you even come up with these things? Dialogue is amazing, Tony and Steve are amazingly in character. I love it!

  82. OMG! This is/was sooooo goooood! Thank you this. You and your muse have a way of bringing characters to life with your words that makes them feel 3D and real and have awesome depths.

    Thank you for this. I’d be in heaven if your muse decided to create more in this ‘verse. Thank you again.

  83. Perfect! However, I’m not sure the world could survive Tony Stark with children. Wow!

  84. Yes!!!!! Thank you. It’s 2.15am in the morning and my pain killers wore off and your so much better than any drug for taking my mind off the pain.

  85. This was so much fun to read 🙂 Thanks for sharing it!

  86. so much fun!!! I love Darcy and her interactions with the Avengers.

  87. What a lovely way to start a Saturday! This was awesome. Tony as Darcy’s dad is one of my favorites (and should be canon – like Stark doesn’t have a kid or two floating around out there somewhere?).

  88. I love how comfortable and snarky they are with each other. This was great. Thank you.

  89. This short was full of wins! Darcy and Peter as Tony’s kids was just awesome. Captain America, who wouldn’t want to hit that!

  90. >.< lol best

  91. So much fun! Left me chuckling and grinning like mad. Love Darcy Stark stories, and the addition of Peter as a Stark was perfect.

  92. oh but that was beautiful *giggles*

  93. Oh my gosh that’s awesome. Seriously, I wish you were related to me because then we could be deviants together. My fam is way to uptight. Thank you so much for being such an amazing person. *hugs*

  94. HAHA This is so great. I loved it.

  95. LOL, that’s just awesome 🙂 I love fics where Peter and/or Darcy are really Tony’s kids… an awesome way to kick off the weekend – you give the best snark 😉

  96. Love it! Who wouldn’t hit that?

  97. Oh this has just made my shitty day so much better. Thanks for the awesomeness.

  98. I love the way you write “Genus Snark”! Makes me wonder if McKay and Stark are related somehow. Both Snark Masters. 🙂

  99. OOoh, what a lovely surprise. Never read a fic that had Darcy and Peter as Tony’s kids… shall have to look for other fics out there… as it seems there are some out there…

    Awesome fic!!!

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