I’d Hit That, Too

Title: I’d Hit That, Too
Author: Keira Marcos
Fandom: MCU
Genre: Gen
Summary: Just a little slice of life fic where Tony has two kids that the Avengers were completely unaware of.
Warnings: No Beta (none desired)

– – – –

Tony was only half-assed paying attention to the briefing. Frankly, he was still pissed about Coulson being alive for months without telling them and as a result, took his ire out on Hill and Fury. He was just too genuinely pleased to see Phil to be rude to him which sort of sucked. His tablet suddenly threw off an alarm and he sat up straight.

“Jarvis?”

“Code Ivory.”

Tony stood up immediately and headed for the door, ignoring every single question thrown his way. “Jarvis, prep the suit. Call Pepper and let her know to prepare the press kit just in case this is related to me and not her own activities.” He flicked a mild glare at Thor who was among those trailing after him towards their hanger on the helicarrier. “Confirm location?”

“Her last report placed her on campus at MIT as she planned,” Jarvis explained as Tony allowed himself to be melded with the suit. “Her phone has been turned off but the location beacon is still active. She’s traveling at high speed away from Boston. Uploading coordinates and a flight plan.”

“Tony?” Steve started and grabbed his arm. “Hey, what’s going on? What’s a Code Ivory? Who’s at MIT? Let us help… I think I speak for everyone when I say we’d rather not have another twenty-four hours like we did with that Mandarin mess.”

“Get in the quinjet,” Tony said shortly. “I’ll brief you en route.”

– – – –

Darcy Antonia Lewis was kind of fed up with government agencies stealing her iPod. It was her one rebellion against her father and frankly she’d spent a lot of time and money creating her playlists. It really didn’t matter that money had never been much of an issue. Being the secret, but beloved, love child of Tony Stark had its perks after all.

“Ah, Miss Stark, it’s a pleasure to have you with us.”

Darcy looked up from her bound hands to stare at the man who had dragged her onto the plane she was on. “You’re not SHIELD. They know better than to mess with me these days. Also, they have much better intelligence. I’m not and never have been Miss Stark. I doubt you’re NSA or CIA. Kidnapping isn’t the FBI’s bailiwick unless they’ve started to branch out when I was looking which I so seriously doubt.” She started to say more but then just sighed as General Thaddeus Ross joined them.

“Miss Lewis then? Thank you for agreeing to speak with me.”

Darcy glared. “I did no such thing, you twat. Your jack-booted thugs kidnapped me while I was on my way to my applied mathematics class.”

“Your father is a difficult man,” Ross said coolly. “He’s also harboring a criminal and a threat to national security. Frankly, Miss Lewis, you’re cooperation would go a long way to protecting your father.”

“Dr. Banner is not a threat to national security,” Darcy rolled her eyes. “He helped save the planet. The President of the United States declared him a treasure. Besides, Reed Richards developed that serum to help him control himself when he’s the Hulk which worked like a dream. Didn’t you see the documentary on Discovery Channel about it last month? It was awesome!”

“He’s government property and you’re going to convince your father to stop interfering in our matters legally so we can reclaim our property.”

“Slavery is illegal,” Darcy said. “Dr. Banner is a human being and you can’t just own people, you heartless asshat.”

“Miss Lewis, your father would like me to remind you that a lady doesn’t use such language,” Jarvis said over the intercom of the plane. “And please put on your seatbelt.”

Darcy dropped the ropes she’d cut with the small laser that her father had embedded in her sweet sixteen ring and promptly put on the seatbelt. “Set!”

“General Ross, your plane is being redirected to a private airport owned by Stark Industries. Any action on your part to prevent this will be met with extreme force,” Jarvis said coolly. “If you take any action against Miss Lewis, I will dedicate myself to ruining you before and after causing your messy, painful death. I will ruin your children, your grandchildren, and create a time machine so I can ruin your parents and grandparents.”

Darcy grinned. “I’m Jarvis’ favorite Stark kid.”

“There is more than one?” Steve Rogers demanded. “Tony? You have more than one kid?”

“Yes, but technically only one love child,” Tony said cheerfully. “I helped a couple of my friends from college have a kid. He’s great. Brilliant and less inclined towards flights of fancy involving majoring in political science.”

“Yeah, but I’m more entertaining and less inclined to jump off buildings.”

“This is true,” Tony conceded. “You got your seatbelt on, sweetheart?”

“Yep.”

“Great,” Tony said.

Darcy turned to stare at the door at the back of the plane just as her father wrenched it open and stepped into the plane. He stalked across the space separating them, unfastened her seatbelt and picked her up. “Hey.”

“Hey, kiddo. Hold on,” Tony said shortly. He turned to Ross even as Darcy curled her fingers into a niche on Iron Man’s armor made just for her. “You come near one of my kids again, Ross, and I’ll kill you.”

In just under a minute, her father was landing in the open doorway of a quinjet. It closed behind them as he strode forward and put her down on a bench. He stepped away briefly, took off the armor and huffed. “You okay? Did that twat touch you inappropriately? I can go back and blow him up if he did.”

“I’m fine,” Darcy assured. She rubbed her wrist. “They didn’t even drug me—just sort of picked me up and tossed me in a van. And tied me up. Oh, and he took my iPod and threw it out a window! He said it might be a tracking device! Can you believe that? Then he just turned my phone off and kept it on the plane! How does he become the arch nemesis of an amazingly hot genius like Dr. Banner? That’s just stupid.” She huffed and looked around the quinjet. She caught sight of Captain America and smirked. “God bless America.”

Tony laughed. “I know.”

“Does he run around in that outfit all the time?” Darcy asked. “Because seriously—how do you get anything done if he does?”

Steve blushed. “Never mind, Stark, I have no doubts about her parentage. You know she has Howard’s smile?”

Tony grinned. “Yeah, I did know. It was one of the first things I noticed about her when we met. She was already about three years old at that point.”

“Oh, look, it’s Agent. Lying, mean, iPod stealing Agent who pretended to be dead for months.” Darcy glared at Phil. “I cried, you know, at your FAKE FUNERAL!” She refocused on her father. “You assembled the Avengers for this?”

“I was in a meeting. They’re all pretty pissed about Malibu.”

“I am, too,” Darcy declared. “I liked that house! It was my favorite of all the houses. I was going to ask for that house when I got my first PhD.” She crossed her arms over her ample chest.

“I’m sorry,” Banner said suddenly. “I mean… he kidnapped you because of me.”

Darcy raised an eyebrow at him and grinned when he blushed. She turned to her father. “Okay, I’ll transfer to NYU and live in the tower.”

Tony laughed. “I’ll have Jarvis make the arrangements and pack your things. Want to take the rest of the semester off to recover from your horrifically painful loss?”

“It was my favorite iPod.”

Tony scowled at her. “You know the gen6 model of the Starkphone has four times the physical memory of that crappy iPod.”

“Yes, but I don’t have a gen6 phone,” Darcy said and batted her eyelashes at him. “I don’t have any phone at all thanks to General Asshat.”

“I’ll give you one if you’ll stop buying Apple products with my money. It’s soul damaging.” Tony dropped down on the bench beside her. “Your brother doesn’t treat me this way. He takes my tech and says thank you like a decent human being. You post selfies of yourself on Facebook with an iPad just to hurt me.”

“Speaking of,” Jarvis said. “Mr. Parker is requesting an update.”

Darcy plucked her father’s phone from his hand. “Set us up, J.” She glanced around the jet again. “It’s like a group of supermodels came to my rescue.” A face suddenly filled the screen in front of her. “Sperm Donation!”

“Love Child,” a male voice said dryly in return. “You okay? I can and will bomb the shit out of Ross’ house if he hurt you or looked at your tits. Did he look at your tits?”

“Who doesn’t?” Darcy asked, wide-eyed. “I have an outstanding rack.”

“Well, Dad is fond of the go big or go home principal. You seriously okay?”

“Seriously okay,” Darcy assured. “I’m on a quinjet. I got all the hotness.”

“I’m pretty sure you could bounce a quarter off Captain America’s ass,” the kid confided without a hint of shame. “And don’t even get me started on Black Widow. Christ, I didn’t know they made women like that.”

“You liar. You totally knew they made women like that,” Darcy said. “Remember that stash of porn…”

“Darcy! Shut up, you’re the reason I can’t have nice things,” the boy said crossly.

“Ha, ha, I’m pretty sure you’re the reason you can’t have nice things. How’s your girlfriend? Still way too hot to be dating you, I’m sure.”

“She’s fine. Started Columbia last week.”

“I thought she was going to go to NYU with you.”

“Eh.”

“Is that ‘eh—I’m going to get a new girlfriend’ or ‘eh—Mary Jane broke me into a million pieces’ or ‘eh—I’m so lonely I could die?’”

“It’s eh—my girlfriend has a poster of dad on her wall and it’s really difficult keeping an erection with Iron Man glaring down at you.”

Darcy burst out laughing. “Poor you.”

“You coming to New York? Because you should—obviously Boston can’t be trusted with your safety.” There was some clicking in the background. “I can have Jarvis hack NYU and get you enrolled for classes this semester.”

“I could do that shit myself,” Darcy exclaimed. “What are you doing?”

“Ruining Thaddeus Ross’ credit.”

Tony grabbed the phone. “Peter.” He frowned. “Are you running a level six encryption?”

The audible huff surprised no one in their stunned silent audience. “Of course I am, what sort of man do you take me for?”

Tony smirked. “When you finish with that—instigate an IRS audit.”

“Been there, done that,” Peter bragged. “I’m in the middle of flagging all of his government projects so he’ll end up in front of the Senate Arms Committee. I also leaked all the experimentation footage on Abomination five minutes ago. And, I’m having Jarvis Photoshop some pictures of him… let’s just say that I didn’t know you could do that with a horse and survive it.” He huffed. “And… you should know that both of our identities were leaked on CNN’s website as of six minutes ago.”

“Did they call us bastards?” Darcy demanded and took the phone back. “I’ll sue them if they did!”

“No, they got the details pretty accurate…actually, more accurate than should be possible. I thought SHIELD sealed this for Dad years ago. They have your mom’s data, Darcy.”

Darcy paled. “But…that’s…” Tears welled in her eyes. “How…”

“Hey,” Tony took the phone. “Take a deep breath, kid. It’s fine. Peter, I want you in the tower as of ten minutes from now. Lock it down. You and Jarvis work on finding the leak. We’ll be there shortly.”

“Not a problem, Dad.”

Tony ended the phone call with a flick of his thumb and Darcy burst into tears. “Oh, hey, Starks don’t cry.” She all but crawled into his lap and sobbed against his neck. He patted her carefully and ran steady fingers through her hair.

“What’s…” Steve cleared his throat. “I mean…?”

Tony sighed. “I had a lot of military contracts as a younger man. My father had them before me. I fathered Darcy when I was just seventeen—with a girl I met at a party my father had for a bunch of military contractors. It was basically a set up. She seduced me and got pregnant on purpose. I dated her for nearly a year before anyone figured out that she wasn’t who she said she was.”

“My mother is Mystique,” Darcy said sharply. “You know the mutant who kills people for hire? Magneto’s henchgirl. Her. She only carried me to term so she could blackmail Howard Stark.”

“We managed to find them when Darcy was three,” Tony said. “That’s why she was a secret. I spent a lot of money hiding her from other mutants and specifically from her birth mother.” He glared pointedly at Phil.

Phil frowned. “Stark, I sealed the records for both Miss Lewis and Mr. Parker years ago. No one could’ve….”

“You died!” Stark snapped. “You died and anyone taking your place would’ve had the power to unseal those files. If this gets one of my kids hurt, Phil, I’ll destroy S.H.I.E.L.D. It won’t be the first or the last thing my father built that I take a crack at.” The jet landed at that point. He picked Darcy up and stalked out of the quinjet. The Iron Man armor activated and followed.

– – – –

Peter Stark Parker, Steve thought, looked a great deal like his dad. Same dark hair, same dark eyes, same smirk, and same temper. The three of them had disappeared into Tony’s lab without a word to anyone. When they emerged, thirty-six hours later, they’d all headed straight for the kitchen. They moved around each other—brilliant and bickering and drinking three pots of coffee while they made breakfast.

A phone from their pile rang and Darcy picked it up. She hit a button on it and dropped it on the table between her and her father. “Darcy Lewis.”

“What the fuck, Darcy? Your father is Tony motherfucking Stark?”

“Hey,” Peter began with a frown. “Watch how you talk to my sister, asshat.”

“Whatever, Jesus, Darcy! You swore to me that you had nothing to do with me not getting that internship at SI. You said they never called you for a reference!”

Darcy rolled her eyes. “Look… Jack…”

“Jake!”

“Oh, right, Jake. I have no idea what you’re talking about but frankly you aren’t smart enough to work for my Dad. You lack like fifty IQ points on the dumbest person who works for SI. Don’t call me again, asshat.” She pushed a button on the screen. “Jarvis, I need a new number.”

“Mary Jane dumped me for keeping secrets,” Peter said and tossed aside his tablet. “And because she thinks my Dad is hotter than I am.” He eyed Tony briefly and shook his head. “Why can’t you grow old and look like shit?”

“You’ll thank me for my awesome genetic contribution when you’re forty,” Tony said without even looking up from his own tablet. “Also, tell her that we made a pact when you turned eighteen to never, ever sleep with the same woman.”

“Not men?” Darcy asked.

Father and son shared a look and Tony smirked. “No, we agreed there was one person out there we’d both hit given the opportunity and a semi-private location.”

Peter grinned. Leaned over and whispered something in Darcy’s ear.

“Oh, I’d hit that, too,” Darcy confided.

All three of them turned and looked right at Steve Rogers.

Steve sighed and wished he wasn’t blushing. “I hate you all.”

The End

Keira Marcos

In my spare time I write fan fiction and lead a cult of cock worshippers on Facebook. It's not the usual kind of hobby for a "domestic engineer" in her 30's but we live in a modern world and I like fucking with people's expectations.

217 Comments:

  1. Good Story! Are you planning any more Marvel or Criminal Minds stories?

  2. Reading this again as I hurry up and wait between flights… It’s still awesome!

  3. OMG!! Soo funny I love Tony Father of Darcy and Peter jaja amazing..maybe more later 🙂

  4. I have to admit, when I need a pick me up to a crappy day I read this. It just makes my night.

  5. Everytime I read this I get the giggles. Between the stark snark and flirting with Cap. this is GOLD!!! One of my fav. shorts always cheers me up. Thanks Keira!

  6. Such a good story altogether but I’ve got to admit, the ending does it for me, every time.

  7. Amazing Dad Tony. And the Stark trio lusting after Captain America … SO funny.

  8. This is just made of awesome. I laugh out loud every time I read it and startle the entire house. Thank you for sharing it with us!

  9. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read this. I just love it.

  10. You know … I’ve started reading this whenever I need a giggle. Because seriously, this entire thing is comedy GOLD. My previous comment about the sheer Darwin Award levels of stupidity displayed by anyone messing with Avengers friends/family aside (which has its own humor, let’s be real here), I just. Yeah.

    That said, the mental picture of Tony, Peter, and Darcy all staring at Steve like he’s the last food they’ll ever get to eat and Steve blushing redder than a firetruck is amusing as all hell.

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