Title: Need
Author: Keira Marcos
Pairing: Sheppard/McKay
Challenge: Deep (McSheplets LJ)
Rating: R
Spoilers: None
Word Count: 1,000

Summary: He thought he’d never have this. Their hands clenched together, bodies pressed tightly in a beautiful tangle of limbs that was beyond perfect.

Status: Completed (and not series related)
Disclaimer: I don’t own them. I don’t pretend to. I won’t make money off of them. I rarely spend my time doing things that actually make money—much to my husband’s utter dismay.

* * * * – – –

He thought he’d never have this. Their hands clenched together, bodies pressed tightly in a beautiful tangle of limbs that was beyond perfect.

John Sheppard wasn’t the kind of man who was used to getting exactly what he wanted. Life had certainly taught him along the way not to expect much from anyone and to never want anything too much. The only thing he’d ever allowed himself to really want was flying… until he’d sat down in a chair in Antarctica and everything he thought about the universe changed right before his eyes.

Stepping through the Stargate and into the warm embrace of Atlantis had been amazing and some small part of him had screamed ‘yes, this is what I want’ but John had kept that small part of himself isolated and pressed down deep so it wouldn’t hurt as much when Atlantis was taken from him. Except she wasn’t, five years later and he was still the commanding officer of the most beautiful place in the universe—she still bent to his desires and whims with ease while alternately treating anyone that John didn’t like with a casual disdain that most people didn’t believe the city was capable of.

He hadn’t allowed himself to want a better relationship with his father since he was nineteen years old, so it hadn’t hurt as much when Patrick Sheppard had died as maybe it should have. John felt shallow and empty on the topic of his father and even his brother. John worried about that deep empty place inside of him—he just hoped it never got any bigger.

Major, think about where we are in the solar system.

John would never forget the moment he met Rodney McKay—not just because he’d found himself lighting up a piece of alien technology like a Christmas tree. McKay had been brash, twisted, arrogant, and a little mean—and John had sort of figured he’d met his soul mate.

Most wouldn’t say that McKay was a beautiful man—but there was something about him that spoke to strength and intelligence that was just extremely fucking sexy.

He’d been content to accept the friendship McKay offered and not want more. But weeks and months passed—then there were years of friendship and sacrifice stretched out between them and John realized that the most intimate relationship he’d never had with anyone in his life was the friendship he had with McKay. Things between them hadn’t always been the best but somehow they’d always managed to come back together—often with a stronger friendship.

Now, there was something more and John was overwhelmed. It was so wrong, it was not what he’d planned, not what he’d allowed himself to want or expect. Rodney wasn’t his—not this way—never this way.

Rodney’s words filled the silence of the room, had been filling John’s silences since the day they’d met. Had he known that McKay would be this way? Demanding, excited, and so fucking greedy. Slick fingers wrapped around his cock and he groaned as he pressed into the body beneath him. McKay shuddered in his arms and demanded more, demanded everything John had to give. No one had ever wanted that much from him. No one, before Rodney, had ever even expected him to have anything to really offer.

He got lost in it – the pleasure, the relief, and the freedom of having the one the thing he’d never acknowledged in himself but always needed. It touched on the want he’d carried inside of him since Antarctica.

Rodney shuddered and moaned beneath him, large, strong hands clenched on his back, and then he came calling John’s name. Sheppard jerked against McKay, his hips snapping against his ass as need bled away to desperation. John moaned against the side of Rodney’s neck as he was pulled into a tight embrace and he came as words he hadn’t heard in years were whispered in his ear. Words he hadn’t believed in since his mother had died.

I love you, John.

The darkness in his room wasn’t enough to keep reality at bay, no matter how much he wishes that were the case. John glanced towards the door and then purposely turned away from it. He wasn’t ready to give it up, yet.

“Ask me.”

John took a deep breath. “I can’t.”

“Ask me.”

He closed his eyes but didn’t leave the bed, didn’t stop touching him. “It’s too much.”

“You never ask for anything, John. Be a selfish bastard for once, I think you’re entitled.”

John laughed weakly. Tired and ashamed of himself, he just let it tumble out of his mouth in a rush, “stay with me, leave her. She’ll never accept you for who you are.” He took up one of McKay’s hands and curled his fingers between his. “I’ll go back to Earth if that’s what you want. I’ll leave the Air Force… whatever it takes to keep you.” He turned on his side and forced himself to look at McKay, the darkness of the room didn’t give them much to work with but their eyes met despite of it.

“Atlantis is our home,” Rodney touched his mouth with hesitant fingers, rubbed John’s bottom lip with his thumb.

“You’ll stay.”

“Yes, of course.”

“I love you, too.” He pressed against Rodney, his body relaxing as relief settled over him like a blanket. “So much.”

Keira Marcos

In my spare time, I write fanfiction and lead a cult of cock worshippers on the Internet. It's not the usual kind of hobby for a 40ish "domestic engineer" but we live in a modern world and I like fucking with people's expectations.


  1. I’m so freaking happy right now—my usual state when I see you’ve written sth new*g* great story, as always!!

  2. Oh, John. I love this John and of course Rodney will stay, John only ever had to ask.

    I was so excited to see another of your stories. Right now you are my favorite writer hands down. Thank you for another beautiful story.

  3. Very nice indeed!! Loved this story 🙂

  4. John never does ask for anything, does he? I liked how Rodney had to push him to get him to ask. It fits my mental picture of John very well that he needs to be nudged, even there. Thanks.


    P.S. I am also glad that you are writing again!

  5. So glad to see something new from you! Brightened up my day no end.

    Oh John! All you have to do is ask!!

  6. This is so good! I love how all John has to do is ask and Rodney will stay.

  7. Oh, boys. I love how Rodney wouldn’t let John not ask. They are just – yes. Loved it.

  8. *flails*

    This? Totally made my day.

    I fail, utterly, at coherent feedback, but….

    Your tales always leave me feeling breathless… and *opened* in a way that I can’t quite articulate.

    *insert incoherent fangirling here*

    *waits for more*

  9. Loved it as I loved all your work but what really grabbed me was the end. John never does ask for himself. Really wished he had so we would not have had to suffer through Mckeller

  10. YES! *Grins*

  11. *squee* So much love for this. Thank you. You just made a wet, muggy day bearable. 🙂

  12. I love everything you’ve written and this is no exception. The emotion and clarity of your writing is unparalled.

  13. I was so happy to see something new.

    I absolutely loved this. I never believed the whole Rodney/Jennifer crap they tried to feed us.

    Thank you for sharing.

  14. Thanks so much for the story. It was so sweet and emotional. I love a vulnerable John.

  15. Made my day to see a new story. Hope to see some up-dates for the series that you have out. That would make my week!!!

  16. Dear madame Keira,

    This story has touched me deeply. I can relate to John never asking and to Rodney so loving and wise in his affection for John.

    Those stand alone stories you offer to us, readers , have a way of illuminating little parcels of our lives. For these love stories I thank you.


  17. Beautiful work. Thanks for sharing.

  18. Lucious.

  19. I really like this piece, especially the dialogue at the end,.

  20. That was really sweet. Thanks for writing.

  21. yah! a new story. This is lovely, just like all your other stories. You write the boys so well.

  22. I know I will love anything you write and this was no exception.

    Rodney is not always a patient man but I’m so glad he’s learned to be patient when the situation calls for it. Lovely, lovely fic!

  23. Yep. That’s the way it is. Thanks.

  24. This totally made me squee. Awesome John pov. And this made me crack up:

    McKay had been brash, twisted, arrogant, and a little mean—and John had sort of figured he’d met his soul mate.

    Oh, John. It’s so wrong but so right. lol


  25. John doesn’t know how to ask for anything for himself. Yay for Rodney to make him ask… to be selfish this once…. so pretty….

  26. Very nicely done!

    Great to see a new story!

  27. Wow. I just posted my first story every and I just want to say how much I appreciate the bravery you must have to post yours. I also want to say you inspired me not only to write my story but to post it on the internet for everyone to read. Thank you

  28. Great story. John’s desperation or better yet his need can be read in every line. This just made my heart hurt a little. It’s just an awesome John voice, I love it. And the ending totally beautiful.

  29. So awesome. This brought tears to my eyes with its raw emotionality. And now, I’m sad about the cancellation again. Although TPTB never did anything as real and satisfying with the characters as you have.

  30. Thank you! You’ve put every feeling I have about Rodney/Jennifer into words – Rodney/John. *grin*

  31. Nicely done. I liked the character study of John and the reasoning behind his self-sacrificing, never ask for anything, ways. I also liked that Rodney saw it for what it was and knew just how to get John to ask for something selfish, just once. Very nice.


  32. This is great because John is never selfish he always lives for all the rest but rarely asks for anything…except the jumpers…or Rodney *grins*. Each story is fab all in themselves, you rock.

  33. Love the story!

  34. A very haunting, touching and beautiful story. I practically cried for John through most of it. Rodney was there for him as others were not. So vey perfect. Thank you for this vision of them.

  35. God, this was so beautiful. I totally understand John not allowing himself to want/ask, and I love that Rodney lets/makes him.

  36. YES! This left me with a big smile, and a lot of warm fuzzies. 🙂

  37. one word awwwwwwwwww

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.