Accidental Dragon Slayer

Title: Accidental Dragon Slayer
Author: Keira Marcos
Fandom: The Hobbit
Relationship: Bilbo Baggins/Thorin Oakenshield
Genre: Canon Divergence
Warnings: Language, no beta
Rating: R
Word Count: 2477
Author Note: This is for the One Sentence prompt on Rough Trade. You can find the challenge here.
Jilly’s Response: An Unusual Malady (link to her site)
The Prompt: Bilbo Baggins accidentally kills Smaug and has to figure out how to go tell the dwarrow who are waiting for him to come back with that stupid stone.

Art by Polaris

* * * *

Bilbo Baggins had a problem. He took a deep breath and collapsed on the gold he was knee deep in and stared a the corpse of Smaug. Tugging off his magic ring, he stored it in his pocket. Sting was stuck in the dragon. That was a secondary issue, admittedly, but he would like his little sword back, so he added that to his list of problems. He was pondering his choices and wondered, briefly, if he could get away with telling the Company that the dragon had been dead when he came in. No, he thought, they were quite silly sometimes, but not a single one of them was fool enough to believe that.

He plucked up a few gold coins and threw them in frustration. Accidentally killing a dragon had to be the worst thing to have ever happened to him. He had no idea how Thorin and the others were going to react, but it promised to be a complete spectacle. He was happy, of course, that the dragon hadn’t gotten out of the mountain and hurt anyone.

“I’m going to punch the first one that calls me Bilbo Dragonslayer right in the mouth.” Then he stood because there was literally no point in putting off and he needed one of them to pull his sword out.

He climbed out of the gold torn between irritation and embarrassment. Hobbits were not meant for adventures of this he was now entirely sure. He tried to adjust what was left of his jacket and found the sleeve was torn which was just about the limit. Bilbo struggled out of it and threw it away with a scowl. He was tired of being hungry and cold and uncomfortable and dirty.

Bilbo stomped up through the small hall that led to the secret door. He heard voices as he approached.

“We should go in after him,” Fíli said.

“I have faith that Mr. Baggins will do his job,” Thorin said.

“Uncle, he’s very small,” Kíli said. “And the dragon must be huge.”

“He’s not failed us once on this quest,” Thorin said. “And…” He exhaled. “The dragon is very large. I should’ve gone with him. If Smaug eats our hobbit, I’m going to rip him limb from limb.”

“Yes, well, good to know you’d have avenged my death,” Bilbo said, and they all turned to face him.

Thorin looked relieved for a moment then he frowned. “Did you not find the stone?”

Bilbo scowled at him. “You and that stupid rock.” He pulled it out of his trouser pocket and tossed it toward Thorin who caught it with a shocked gasp. “There, happy?”

Thorin stared down at the Arkenstone in his hand, his expression tight. “It’s the heart of the mountain.”

“It’s a stupid rock that I almost got myself killed to retrieve!” Bilbo shouted. “And also the dragon nearly landed on me, and my sword is stuck in it!” He crossed his arms when they all turned to look at him in horror.

Thorin handed the Arkenstone to Balin and put one shaking hand on Bilbo. “You’re hurt? You saw Smaug?”

“He…” Bilbo swallowed. He really sort of loved and hated being the center of Thorin’s attention. It made him feel safe and nervous at the same time. “He was chasing me over the gold, and I fell. With the light and the gold moving around…well, he had a hard time keeping track of me. Then he jumped down into the gold, and I was there, and I stuck Sting up…because I thought…it might deter him enough that I could crawl out from underneath him and it sort of went in.” He paused for a breath. “And now my sword is stuck. I tried to pull it out, but I’m not strong enough.”

Thorin’s other hand settled on him and pulled him forward just a little. “Bilbo, did you…did you kill the dragon?”

Bilbo huffed. “It was an accident.”

Fíli snorted which set the rest of the company off.

“Oh shut up,” Bilbo said crossly as even Thorin started to laugh.

He huffed as he was unceremoniously pulled into a hug. He liked dwarf hugs, so he didn’t complain much when he was yanked free from Thorin and into another hug by Kíli. They passed him around like a favored toy for a bit—hugging him and patting his back. Finally, Thorin took him back and hugged him tightly again.

“Are you injured? You didn’t say?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Bilbo said with a huff. “I’m tired and dirty and hungry, and I want a real bed and a bath, Thorin. And my clothes are torn.” He tugged on his vest and glared at Dwalin when he snorted. “Arsehole.”

Thorin laughed and hugged him tighter. “Come, I’ll rescue your elf knife from the carcass.”

“Are you humoring me?” Bilbo demanded.

“Not at all,” he was assured. “I’m sure the dragon is just as dead as you’ve said.”

He huffed and jerked free of Oakenshield. “Fine, I’ll just show you.”

He marched off back into the mountain muttering foul things under his breath in his own language since he wasn’t an idiot and accidentally killing a dragon hadn’t given him a false sense of prowess. By the time they reached the treasury, he’d maligned the parentage of every single member of the Company and didn’t feel at all guilty about it.

Bilbo slid down into the pit of gold, and the dwarrow followed suit a little more cautiously. Not that he blamed them since Smaug was sprawled out across it in all of his horrific glory.

Thorin was pale as he came to stand beside him. He touched the pummel of Sting with trembling fingers then wrapped his hand around the grip. The skin on his knuckles tightened as he pulled and the sword came free with a whoosh. Smaug’s body didn’t move, but blood gushed.

“Heart wound,” Dwalin said roughly. “You’re the luckiest creature on Arda, Bilbo Baggins.”

“Indeed,” Thorin said. He cleaned the blood from the blade with his own shirt and offered it, Bilbo. “We are in your debt, Bilbo Baggins of the Shire. You’ve avenged the line of Durin and the clan of the Longbeards this day.”

Bilbo took Sting and averted his gaze. “I don’t suppose we could keep this between us, right? I mean…”

“It would be a grave dishonor for one of us to claim your kill,” Thorin said when he trailed off. “But we will speak of this incident as little as you clearly desire. I’d not wish to make you unduly uncomfortable in the future. But know this, Bilbo Baggins, I am forever in your debt.”

Bilbo squinted at him. “I was serious about the bath.”

“And you shall have one—even if we have to haul snow in from the side of the mountain.”

* * * *

The stone bathing basin was deep enough to be worrisome, but as promised they’d filled it up just enough with heated snow that he could sit chest deep in it. Nori had even produced a bar of soap. Bilbo figured he’d stolen it in Lake-town, but he was beyond caring about such things. He was getting a bath. He’d rinsed out his clothes, and they were drying on a make-shift rack near the lit fireplace in his room. The royal mansion in the mountain hadn’t been touched at all by Smaug’s presence, but decades upon decades had settled a thick layer of dust over the whole place. Still, they’d worked to clean up some rooms to sleep in.

The door to his bathing room opened, and Bilbo looked up from his scrubbing to see Thorin leaning on the door frame.

“Am I intruding?”

Bilbo was torn between saying yes and inviting the arrogant arse to join him. “That depends—how do you feel about gold?”

Thorin frowned. “It’s terrible to have none because you can’t purchase the things you need.”

“How long were you in the treasury today?”

“About an hour, I was helping Nori and Dori with the carcass. It’s terrible work prying the scales loose so we can render the big bastard in small enough pieces to get him out of the mountain.”

“Where’s the Arkenstone?”

“In a chest in the treasury with the rest of the crown jewels that Balin has been able to locate.” Thorin shifted on his feet. “I’ve not…I thought maybe…something happened when you threw the Arkenstone at me.”

“I bitterly regret the fact that it didn’t hit you in the head,” Bilbo muttered as he started to scrub again.

“I thought as much,” Thorin admitted. “I’ve been off since we reached the foot of the mountain as if I was in a dream of some sort. But now that feeling is gone.”

“I’m keeping an eye on you,” Bilbo warned. “I’ll hit you in the head if you go crazy.”

“That doesn’t seem like a sound healing practice.”

“I’m not a healer,” he announced and frowned at Thorin. “Your hair is wet.”

“We bathed in the river.”

“You took a bath in that frigid water?” Bilbo asked aghast. “Are you insane?”

“We have tough skin,” Thorin said. “It was nothing. Though I am looking forward to the public baths being restored—they have heated pools since they’re located directly below the forges. We used to pipe water through the area and into the baths. The pipes appear to be sound, but the mechanism to fill the pools needs to be repaired.”

“You didn’t say why you were here—in my private bath.”

“I thought to offer my assistance if it is welcome.”

Bilbo pursed his lips. “Well, I did accidentally slay a dragon. I suppose I do deserve some sort of reward for that.”

Thorin grinned and pulled the door shut. He pulled a plank across it to secure it. “You are, indeed, due a hero’s reward.”

Bilbo squirmed a little in the water as Oakenshield removed his tunic and pushed his hair back from his face. “Getting help with my bath from the king is a hero’s reward?”

“If such a thing were offered it would be the highest of honors amongst my people,” Thorin said as he pulled off his boots and shucked his trousers.

Bilbo’s mouth went dry. He’d seen his share of naked hobbits, of course, he wasn’t some untried lad, but Thorin Oakenshield didn’t look a thing like the plump, pleasant lovers of his past. He was strong bodied, thick in the chest and his thighs were corded with muscle. His waist was trim and his stomach entirely flat. A shining silver ring glittered from his belly button and another from his left nipple.

His cock was thick, long, and already hard. Bilbo clenched up a little just thinking about having Thorin inside him. He was bigger than the average hobbit but not much larger than the Ranger Bilbo had slept with in Bree out of unabashed curiosity on both their parts.

“You’re beautiful,” Bilbo blurted out.

Thorin’s face flushed pink. “That is not a common thought among my people.”

“Well they’re all quite foolish then,” Bilbo decided as Thorin stepped down into the tub.

“I would wash your hair…if you are amendable,” Thorin murmured as he pulled Bilbo into his arms.

“I am.”

Bilbo shivered a little as he turned around settled between the spread of Thorin’s thighs on the underwater bench. The dwarf’s cock pressed deliciously against the small of his back. “This is intimate for your people, right?”

“A dwarf takes great care with his hair,” Thorin said. “Yours as grown quite long on the quest.” He soaped his hands with the bar and set it aside. “It’s long enough for braids.”

Bilbo stretched his neck slightly as Thorin gently washed his hair. “I haven’t had help with such a task since I was a faunt.”

“Your mother?”

“Yes.” Bilbo sighed. “I miss them both most terribly.”

“I understand.”

He knew that to be true. Thorin had lost more kin than Bilbo could even imagine.

“I should tell you that I was not the only one who wished to make this offer,” Thorin murmured as he rubbed soap into Bilbo’s scalp. “I can’t pretend to know their intentions, but both Bofur and Nori would be pleased to be in my place right now.”

“Oh.” Bilbo didn’t know quite what to do with that. “Will they be insulted if I say no?”

“Nay, that is not our way,” Thorin murmured. “Besides, you allowed me to stay, and my intentions could not be more clear to them.”

“What are your intentions?”

“I wish to keep you at my side always.”

Bilbo sucked in a deep breath. “I…” He shifted slightly. “I should rinse my hair.”

Thorin released him without a word, and he slid out of the dwarf’s lap so he could get some space to process what he’d been told. He’d been prepared with a bit of a dalliance and even told himself that it would certainly be enough despite his growing feelings for the dwarf king. He rinsed his hair quickly and turned to face Thorin who was lounging against the side of the tub looking every bit the king he was.

“Don’t give me that royal-I’m-too-majestic-for-you look,” Bilbo said tartly and huffed when Thorin grinned at him. He moved forward and braced both hands on the dwarf’s thighs. “Am I warm your bed or do you wish to marry me?”

Thorin cupped his face with both hands. “I would never treat you so callous as that. From the moment we met, I knew you were my One but I…was furious. I couldn’t believe I had found you in such a way. I wished with all I had in me that you’d stayed safe in the Shire.”

Bilbo frowned. “Is that why you were so mean?”

“I’ve done nothing but worry about you since you signed that stupid contract,” Thorin said roughly.  “Marry me—stand with me as my Consort.”

He slid astride Thorin’s lap then and curled his hands into the dwarf’s hair. “You mustn’t ever, ever call me Bilbo Dragonslayer. I’ve sworn a personal oath to punch the first person who does in the face and such violence amongst spouses is very frowned upon in the Shire.”

Thorin smiled. “Agreed.”

“Then yes, I’ll marry you.”

Thorin pulled him flush against his chest and kissed him just as an eruption of applause happened outside the door. He sighed as they parted.

“For the love of the Green Lady,” Bilbo swore. “All of you idiots get out of my chambers immediately!”

“We love you, too, Uncle Bilbo!” Kíli called out cheerfully.

Bilbo sighed as there was a shuffle of boots and a door being slammed. “The little arseholes.”

“Your language has gotten quite coarse.”

“Fuck you,” Bilbo murmured and kissed him. “Or better yet, fuck me.”

“With pleasure.”

The End

Keira Marcos

In my spare time, I write fanfiction and lead a cult of cock worshippers on the Internet. It's not the usual kind of hobby for a 40ish "domestic engineer" but we live in a modern world and I like fucking with people's expectations.


  1. Nice

  2. This was lovely!

  3. This was so charming. I’m still not over Bilbo banging a Ranger! *huffs*

  4. Oh, that was great. I do love Bilbo most unhappy that he accidentally killed Smaug! Lol! I do adore Biblbo and Thorin sharing Bilbo’s bath. Great stuff. Thank you for sharing.

  5. That was awesome and sweet and very funny.
    You are so shiny.

  6. That was great. Thank you for sharing

  7. I am so glad I put my coffee down before I read, so I can giggle-snort in peace. Ha, another fantastic minific, thank you so much for sharing it with us! <3

  8. greywolfthewanderer

    awww… very cool!

  9. You are responsible for the most un-lady like SNORT I just let rip! 😀 Bilbo. Shire Ranger Wrangler!

    Wanders off singing “I wanna be an air force ranger! Live a life of sex and danger…. “

  10. Loved this, it is awesome! Look at Thorin being all emotionally mature and hung like a horse *wipes away tear of joy*

  11. That really is how you should kill a dragon, accidentally…

  12. That was adorable. Though, I think I’m with Jilly…who knows where those Rangers have been?

  13. Sassy Bilbo for the win!

  14. This is delightful! I love the way you write Bilbo and Thorin. I just want you to know that i was severely undercaffeinated when I saw the banner for this story, and I read it as “Accidental Dragon Slave”. ……which would be a completely different story!

  15. This is adorable and very fun. I love how grumpy Bilbo is about having killed the dragon. 🙂 Thanks so much!

  16. Atoms_berries23

    How have I missed this short story?! I love sassy Bilbo!

  17. This always makes me giggle because only Bilbo would get pissed because he killed the bloody dragon by mistake lol. Also who wouldn’t bang a Ranger!

  18. I really enjoy how you are able to bring joy to a rather miserable canon. Thank you for sharing.

  19. Oh, I like you. Your comments are as much fun to read as the fic. :). Thanks for the giggles!

  20. How is this so awesome???

    It’s THE HOBBIT. The Hobbit is not awesome. It is wordy and pretentious and awful.

    And yet I adore all of you.

    Damnit. I’m going to end up reading Hannibal at this rate.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.