That’s a No From Me Dawg

About halfway through July, I took a moment to reset. Frankly, it was a hard reset and it had nothing to do with the story I was writing. I’m actually quite enamored with House of Wolves and will certainly finish it when the inspiration returns.

This year has been a total dumpster fire in a lot of respects and I’ve had to adjust my thinking, my workspace, my schedule, my creative output, and even how and when I walk my fucking dogs. My husband bought me a hiking stick to walk with that has a taser on the end that would knock a bear back because everything around us feels just less safe. (It’s powerful but the bear part is a joke).

I misplaced my favored face mask the other day and nearly had a full-blown panic attack in my car over it. I had a backup, of course, but still it just totally threw me. I do struggle with clinical depression and have for most of my life but I’ve never had a problem with anxiety before (outside of an unexpected side effect of a new medication once). It was a deeply disconcerting experience.

But I wanted to put up a post since there have been some questions about my lack of activity on RT. I’ve often said that the Rough Trade environment is very challenging and not for everyone. Putting your work up wet for the world to see is daunting as fuck and I’m not immune to that in the least. It got difficult for me in July and I’m not entirely sure why.

Check out my cool new art from Fae Anthea!

As to my reset, I started writing my Quantum Bang project for next year. I’ve already finished one draft and I’m super pleased with it. I think you guys are really going to love it. I hope you love it at least half as much as I do. I can hardly wait to share it!

I haven’t posted The Absence of War on this site because I noticed some things I’d like to correct first so that’ll be coming certainly before the end of the year but it’s available on the Quantum Bang–so easy to find and read over there.

I’m rarely on Facebook anymore but I’m pretty much always on my Discord server, CrossRoads. Please feel free to join us there–we have social chat channels, rec channels, and fandom specific areas. Discord may look a bit intimidating at the start but really — it’s just a big ass chat server.

I have a few podcasts to edit and post — I’m just really jazzed about my QB project so I’m working on that. In other podcast news, I was invited to syndicate the show on Amazon. So weird.

So, I am writing–over 100k since July 1st, actually. I just need a little privacy right now when it comes to my work and RT isn’t conducive to that at all.

This is about self-care, really, and I encourage you all to take a moment to access your situation and make decisions to ease you.

And remember, it’s perfectly okay to put yourself first and to say no.


Now, watch Adam Lambert sing Believe for Cher — honestly, someone broke his heart before he came out there to sing this song so we should find them and kick their ass.

Keira Marcos

In my spare time, I write fanfiction and lead a cult of cock worshippers on the Internet. It's not the usual kind of hobby for a 40ish "domestic engineer" but we live in a modern world and I like fucking with people's expectations.


  1. Glad to hear that you are doing relatively well finding a way to manage during this dumpster fire of a year!

  2. Lord why did you have to show me those feels!!! cher’s face at the end when he held that note!!! and the calm pulling out the ear buds… But hugs and love re-reading all your stuff anyway 🙂

  3. Best wishes for better days ahead.

  4. OK I totally cried all the way through that video… Thank you… I’m sorry things have been rough and I’m so glad that you’re coming out the other end. So many of us are here for you . I’m so glad that you’re taking care of yourself. As we all like to say “you do you boo“.

  5. Self care is so important. As a reader, I was wondering if you were okay. I don’t write as much as you, and certainly don’t have as many loyal readers. I seriously love everything you write and I’m willing to wait as long as necessary to read what you write because you’re amaze balls.

    2020 is a total dumpster fire. Good thoughts and self care to you.

  6. I’m so glad you are able to see when breaks are needed. Take care of you.

  7. I’m glad you’ve found something to work on that you’re enjoying. I look forward to seeing it. Even if that’s June for QB.

    At this point, if I notice any writer I follow isn’t posting, I assume it’s covid-related one way or another – whether direct through being sick or caregiving, or general anxiety or quarantine stress or lack of alone time. All of which can wreak havoc on writing. I’m wishing them all the best (silently).

  8. Glad to hear from you! Hope everything starts to smooth out soon, or at least that the fire is a little less intense.

  9. As I have heard so many times lately (recent addict of your podcasts-binging at work!)
    You do you Boo.
    Your cult of minions love you dearly and we’ll be here when you’re ready. Much love to you. Stay safe and carry your big stick always.

  10. I had a severe panic attack a few months ago and reached out for help from the place I get my help for my manic depression. They said that they are being swamped by people having problems that never had them quite this bad. Hugs and keep writing!!

  11. I’m glad you’re doing okay. You have been such a prolific on-schedule writer for so long that I forgot that you might be susceptible to the same coronavirus anxiety that’s messing with all of us. I hope you’ll keep taking good care of yourself! Your readers will be here whenever you return.

  12. Thank you for sharing. I was worried when you stopped posting in RT, but I’m glad you took the time you needed. This year is a mess and we all need to take whatever time is needed to make sure we’re healthy, both mentally and physically. I hope the time away helps you. Looking forward to seeing what you share with us next.

  13. Hugs. I think everyone needs to chill, relax and do what makes you happy. Because 2020 has sucked, caused way to much anxiety and heartache. It needs to end and take all this horribleness with it.

  14. You hang in there girl. It’s been one crazy year so far, and many are suffering from the stress. While I adore your writing, I’m happy to wait until you feel more in the mood to write to read more. Just know that you’re gifts of writing are always greatly appreciated. Take care of yourself, and let’s hope the world will be in better shape soon.

  15. I am going to tell you what my therapist told me. The lockdowns, the social distancing, and such are making people with mental/emotional conditions have even more issues. Heck, it is causing the normals out there to have fits.

    Take all the time you need for self-care. I will just keep rereading the stories that I love on the site so much. I am currently rereading Darkly Loyal. I love the way you write Harry, Draco, and Hermione in all the stories. I also love your Sheppard/McKay stuff especially the Sentinel crossovers.

  16. I was concerned when I realized you stopped RT so suddenly. I’m glad to hear you’re okay(ish). It’s been a horrid year and all anyone can do is what they need to to stay sane. Take care of yourself.

  17. Glad you’re taking time for self care. 2020 has been a dumpster fire on so many levels.

  18. Thank you for the update, I was wondering and hoping you were ok when you went silent on RT. Take care of you and yours, this year has been – bizarre and wrong pretty much across the board. Thank you for the writing that you do share, I use it as a safe place to crawl into and hide when I need it so please know you are appreciated. Take Care!

  19. It was good to hear from you. Take care.

  20. The main thing is that you are fine and hope your family is well too. Was getting concerned that things in RL were not good for you to be quiet on RT. Glad to know that things are OK and that you are still writing. Thank you for that amazing Adam Lambert vid. That should have been my post divorce song, not sure why I never really listened to those lyrics that closely before. It had me in tears. Be kind to yourself and look forward reading your new work whenever you are ready to share them. Best wishes.

  21. As much as I enjoy any stories that you share, it is definitely more important that you take care of yourself first.

  22. 1) Glad you’re taking care of you.
    2) Thanks for the update. Totally unnecessary but actually reassuring to know others experience mental health challenges. Anxiety, depression, & OCD run in my family and between myself and my boys, who also have ADD, it’s a challenge. Take care of you & write what you want, share when you’re ready, we are so grateful that you do both – write & share, that is.
    3) That video though. How could you do that to me? First time I watched it – I watched it like 20 times in a row. Then made my husband watch it. Then my sons. Then I shared it with the siblings. It is just so good. I don’t have time to keep watching it right now. But omg, it’s too good to just watch once.

  23. Thank you for sharing a personal update. I tend to jump to worst case scenarios in our current time and deeply appreciate the post. Somehow my reaction to the dumpster fire we’re living is to be worried about everyone, even strangers. I hope you and yours are safe and well and your self -care brings you peace. I appreciate the worlds you’ve shared with us more than I’ll ever be able to express.

  24. When 2020 began, I pictured it as a new decade/new beginning. It certainly is a new beginning, but not in the way I imagined. I have had problems with depression and anxiety since my 30’s. I never realized I was worse until I talked to my doctor. He increased my dosages and that helped, but it’s something I should have been able to see in myself. I haven’t been on line much. I live in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, and we have one of the highest rates of Covid-19 in the state. I’ve been reading a lot of favorite stories too. My kindle has tons of new books on it but reading favorite fics is more comforting. It also beats being furious everyday watching the news. On the bright side, though, I like not having to explain why I prefer to be at home. Teleconferences with my doctors is awesome! Ordering groceries and having takeout delivered is great. Most of all I am so grateful to be able to read what you guys write. It’s an escape that is much appreciated. Self care is so important, so do something good for yourself everyday.

  25. Glad to hear from you and that all is at least mostly ok. You are such an amazing writer, your stories are so addictive. I’ve easy read your stories several times over all of your fandoms. You have a way of sucking the reader into your world and it’s incredible. I will gladly wait for however long you need and entertain myself with your previous works.

  26. <3 I'm glad you were able to take the time you needed. I know I always hope you do. We are with you and support you.

  27. Thanks for checking in. I did assume the shit show that is 2020 was responsible for you being a bit quiet on the publishing front, but it’s still good to hear from you. I am glad to hear you’re still OK for writing at least, as I know you love it, even if you’re not posting it. There’s loads for us to read on your site anyway!
    Doing whatever we love is so important this year, of all years. (My knitting WiP count is getting a bit ridiculous, but I Just. Don’t. Care! )
    Take care of yourself. Best wishes from the UK.

  28. Lovelyroseonahillside

    Okay, 1. I have never seen that video. I got chills at the end. Oh my gosh. He killed that. It was a homage and also a performance true to himself. 2. I am very happy you posted about how you are dealing with things. I was a little worried about you during RT, but it makes total sense that you need to do things differently right now. Life is truly messed up. I get anxious at the grocery store if there is more than one other person on my aisle now, and I have lost all of my extra energy for doing anything more than necessary. I hope you find a way to care for yourself and your family and let you do the things you want to do.

  29. I’m happy that you’ve been taking time for your well-being. You’re an incredibly talented person… I’d hate to see you burn out the way I did years back. Also, your husband is such a freaking badass; I’d love to know where he found the taser walking stick. Gonna search engine that shit as soon as I’m done here.

    Damn, Adam Lambert gave me fucking goosebumps. Thank you for sharing that link.

  30. If there is one positive thing I can take away from 2020 (and trust me, it’s hard to do) it is the realization of just how essential and important mental health awareness is. Glad you’ve been able to focus on you! I’ll re-read to my hearts content, take all the time you need to feel how you want and should to feel. Wishing you nothing but the best!

  31. Go you! It can be hard to stop and let yourself focus on you. Let the rest wait – you allways come first. I’m glad to hear your Quantum bang story is making you happy. That is the “why” that should come first as we do our creative things – to make ourselves happy. 🙂

  32. “HUGS” Take care of you hon. Also, where did your husband buy the awesome walking stick because feeling safe these days would be nice.

  33. Take care of yourself. Big sticks are always a winner.

  34. I’m just glad to hear that you’re ok. Take all the time you need until you feel like you want to be posting something to share with us – it’s a privilege for us to read your writing, not a right! Self-care is so important and I’m so glad that you recognized something that you could do for yourself to help cope with all the crap going on. Keep putting yourself first!

  35. I opened a document on 1st July and then burst out crying when all the plans I had, and the plotting I’d done, I couldn’t find the emotional ‘oomph’ to write anything at all. So yeah… You are totally right – look after you. I keep telling myself, the words are still there, you just haven’t written them yet. Looking forward to QB next year.

  36. I’m glad that you realized you need a break. I think that is the one thing that 2020 has taught us all…to take care of yourself and the ones you love. I’m glad that you have found the inspiration for your 2021 QB. I will enjoy my re-reads of your published work.

  37. We’re all going through something extreme and experiencing it differently. I fully respect anyone’s choice to set up boundaries and to take time for themselves, I’ve had to do it too. Self care is important and should be a priority. Good for you and I hope it continues to do you well.

  38. Good to hear that you are alive and reasonably well and writing. I have to say that I am seriously impressed by the focus required to write 100K words in six-ish weeks, even if we’ll be waiting a year to read the end results.

    As far as not posting on RT goes, at any time I’d say don’t worry about us(readers) but focus on you and your life and whatever is more important than the story, and that applies X10 in the current situation. Every time I noted that posting had stopped, or never started, on a story I was interested in, I just assumed that it was due to the weirdness we’re living with, and hoped it wasn’t serious illness. RT is meant to be a challenge, but also a pleasure, for the writer, and no one should blame anyone for doing what they need to for their own emotional and mental wellness.

    I’ve been meaning to comment on ‘The Absence of War’, because I have enjoyed it so much, and I really think it’s the best thing you’ve ever written. In fact, it has to be one of the best fanfics ever! It has everything a good story needs, and I love, love, love your original characters, especially Armand Deering – he’s awesome! I’ve also been listening, finally, to the podcast plotting the story, which had me in stitches at various points. I haven’t quite finished with it because I keep stopping to reread stories you mention, and that has been hugely enjoyable as well.

    This year, with all we’re having to deal with, has meant that our normal reactions and coping mechanisms and expectations are not necessarily helpful, so I think we all need to be kind to ourselves and each other, and give ourselves extra time and space. So happy writing, happy dog-walking, and take care.

  39. Thank you for the work you do to give us a bit of an escape, which now includes a link to a very useful walking stick, across multiple platforms. I am glad you are resetting since you keep moving forward while taking some rude knocks. I am not sure what was done, but I have wandered on to the site when you were explaining some of the changes. You are posting some of the best fic available and providing platforms for others. Now I must go drool at one whole I escape today…Armand? Randolph? A perfectly snarky Rodney who would understand my coffee addiction? A Winky/Dobby competition? My favorite pairing expertly done with a perfect side of light character correction?
    Thank you for all the options, please know you are even more appreciated now.

  40. Its been a crap year for us all. I had a cancer scar through this and hubby broke his foot. There were days I just wanted to curl up in a corner, cry and die! Obly thing that really got me through was my coffee Thurs with my gals! Thank god for drive thrus and curb side. The four of us and families had to be extra careful. One of us in 75 age range, one taking care of her mom, one hubby transplant patient, my hubby with heart problems, me with pre COPD, never smoked a day in my life. I hate the damned masks and only wear when forced to. Sorry for venting but its been a really screwed up shit show year! Glad you are taking care of you. That is fine. Hugs to everyone.

  41. Dear Keira,
    I love all your stories – they give me sometimes new ideas about fandoms I’ve never crossed bevor – you broadened my horizon and I thank you dearly for it.
    Self care is important – and cudos to you for realising it and acting about it for your mind and soul.
    And special thanks to your husband who appreciates you and does his best to support you.
    Sometimes a woman just needs a taser – and perhaps an easy target when life ist just too complicated… 😉
    Love, Lis from Germany

  42. Seren verch Dafydd

    I hope the rest of the year will be easier for you and your reset will allow you to recharge.

    I think most of us would agree that the year has been a dumpster fire for us.

    Take care of yourself and know you have many friends here who wish you well.

  43. Thanks for posting that. I kind of dismissed all the mental health talk when the pandemic started in a way that I din’t think it will concern me. I never had depression. There were times live got difficult, but I never struggled all that much emotionally. And sure I was going a little stir crazy at home, but who wasn’t. And than the last 3 weeks have been f***ing horrible. I can’t even say there is a reason for it. Nothing changed and I don`t get why I am suddenlly struggling so much.
    I am now especially gratefull for having found places such as your site a few years back. It`s like this underground world where there is so much less judgement than in real world, but there are still safeguards in place to help you stay away from things that would make you uncomfortable. A safe place. My own nuclear-creazy bunker:D.

  44. Thanks for posting. I was concerned, but did not wish to pry. I heartily endorse self care. Take any steps you need – even to the point of opting out of Nov. RT. Wishing you all the best.

  45. I have to admit I was a little concerned. These days there’s too many bad things going on. I’m greatly relieved to hear that you’re stepping back to take care of youself, because you’re awesome and I wish nothing but the best for you!

  46. Glad to hear that you’ve found a method to help get you through this year. I’m pretty much giving people a pass on holding any expectations this year, for themselves or others. Everything seems so overwhelming and just plain scary getting thru days safely is an accomplishment. Thank you for sharing

  47. I’m glad you’re still writing because I know you’ve said before that it comforts you and I hope that things get better for you. Thank you for everything that you do and please take care of yourself!

  48. Take care of yourself!!

  49. I saw this on Pintrest, and just nodded:
    “2020 was written by Steven King” Dumpster fire to the max!

  50. I want a fucking refund for 2020, seriously. My health has been bouncing all over, my anxiety is becoming more active, frigging fires turning the sky orange…sigh. You seem a bit more relaxed, calmer. Good to see.

    As for the beautiful Adam Mitchel Lambert, I believe he’d broken up with the very pretty Javi not long before this. I’m all for kicking his ass, since as soon as the breakup became public, there were photos released of him kissing some guy. Poor Adam. He talked about his mental health this year, how he had to stop and take care of himself. Good plan.

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