Reading Time: 101 Minutes

Title: The Bonds We Make
Author: Keira Marcos
Fandom: 9-1-1, San Andreas
Relationship: Evan Buckley/Eddi Diaz, Canon Pairings
Genre: Romance, BDSM, First Time, Alternate Universe, Friends to Lovers
Warnings: Explicit sex, Explicit language, Angst, Canon-Typical violence, Voyeurism, Discussion-Slut Shaming, Discussion-Bullying, Character Bashing, Discussion-Sex Work, OC Character Death, Tsunami, Discussion-Natural Disaster Aftermath, Discussion-Animal Abuse, Grammarly Beta
Word Count: 53,502
Author’s Note: I’ve written Buck as sexually submissive in this story, but I can absolutely see him in a Dominant role as well. The BDSM elements are very light, and there is no sadism or masochism between the main pairing. No knowledge of the movie of San Andreas is required; I just borrowed some characters. Casting Available!
Summary: Eddie Diaz is in love with his best friend and struggling as privately as he can to accept that Buck doesn’t feel the same. Their friendship means more to them than anything else, so they’re going to make it work regardless of the awkwardness. Things take a turn for Eddie when Buck’s return to the 118 is delayed after the ladder truck bombing. Eddie seeks out some much-needed stress relief and comfort in a private sex club he frequented when he first came to Los Angeles.

* * * *

* * * *

Chapter 6

“I realize you could go back out,” Bobby began. “You’ve more than proved you’re capable of doing the job. The SAR captain from the 56 is singing your praises from here to San Diego.”

Buck flushed. “Yeah, he was nice.” He rubbed the back of his neck and looked across the tent where Denny and Christopher were sharing a cot that had been brought in for them. “I’d rather stay close to the kids, and I’m not in uniform, so it might cause confusion out there that we don’t need. So, how can I help you manage all of this?”

“I’m really glad you asked,” Bobby said. “And I put you on the clock at the start of this shift, Buck. I can have a uniform brought to you if you want it. Otherwise, take this.” He offered Buck a tablet. “You’re now in charge of intake and my second-in-command for the day. We need to know who we have and what’s going on with them. You’ll have to make some difficult triage decisions. Is that okay?”

“Yeah, Bobby, I can handle it,” Buck said quietly. “Let me have a sec with Eddie. He’s getting ready to go out in boats now.”

“Sure, kid,” Bobby said. “I’ll keep an eye on the boys until you get back.”

Buck left the command tent, tablet still in hand, and headed for the departure area was Eddie was restocking his kit. “Hey.”

“Bobby putting you to work?” Eddie questioned and motioned toward the tablet, then zipped his bag and shouldered it.

“Yeah, I’m going to help with intake and casualty…sorting. The FEMA coursework set me up for this kind of emergency management. I’m going to keep Christopher and Denny close to me until Karen or Carla can get here. Right now, the traffic is highly restricted by the LAPD.”

Eddie nodded. “If I cross paths with Hen, I’ll make sure she has all the details.”

“Stay safe,” Buck ordered, and Eddie offered him a grin as he trotted toward a boat. “I mean it, Diaz!”

“I got this, Buckley!” Eddie shouted back.

Buck went to the ladder truck and pulled out an LAFD T-shirt that would probably fit him so he could at least take off the salt-laden shirts he was wearing. He was long in the leg, so he didn’t bother checking the pants in the emergency kit. Normally, on shift, he made sure he had a backup uniform stashed in his own kit for the ladder. He shed the shirts and used some wipes to clean up his face, chest, and arms before pulling on the T-shirt, which was a little too tight but serviceable. Shortly, he put on a radio harness and went to check on the kids.

Eddie had checked them over and cleaned up a few scrapes they’d managed to gain while scrambling over the top of the truck. So, they were both relatively clean.

“How are you guys?” Buck questioned as he sat down on the end of the bed.

“Okay,” Denny said and yawned. “Is it okay if we nap?”

“Yeah, buddy, of course,” Buck said and focused on Chris, who looked exhausted and sad. “What’s up, Superman?”

“A lot of people died,” Christopher said. “I’m really glad we lived, but I feel bad about it. Denny says that’s normal. Is it normal?”

“It’s called survivor’s guilt,” Buck murmured and brushed a curl from Christopher’s forehead. “And it is very normal. A lot of people died today, and we got incredibly lucky. Sometimes, in situations like this, we have to wonder why we survived and others didn’t. It’s also okay to be relieved by our survival. A natural disaster can sometimes feel like a punishment, but it isn’t. It is just what it is.”

“Okay,” Christopher murmured and pulled off his glasses. He looked around and frowned. “Here. You keep them safe.”

Buck took them. “Yeah, of course.” He looped them over his head by the strap. “I’m going to stay in the tent as much as possible since I’m doing management for Bobby. If I’m not here when you wake up, you guys stay right here until I come back.”

“Yeah, okay,” Denny said. “And scream for help if some stranger bothers us.”

Buck paused just briefly at the statement and nodded slowly. “Definitely scream if some stranger bothers you—even if they’re in uniform.”

Both boys nodded and pulled up a thin blanket they had on the cot to cover up with. Buck watched them settle into what amounted to a puppy pile, heads side by side on the same pillow. They were, frankly, adorable. Buck wished he hadn’t lost his phone because a picture needed to be taken of that. He stared for a moment, then walked away with a little smile.

* * * *

Lena Bosko was an asshole. Buck tried hard not to judge people on or off the job, but she was really just genuinely an asshole, and he kind of hated that he felt that way. He normally got along just fine with other firefighters. But the fact that she thought she could continue to work with fractured ribs was honestly infuriating. So, the fourth time she tried to leave the field hospital to look for her captain against orders, Buck lost his temper with her.

“I just want to find my captain!”

“I get that part,” Buck snapped. “What I don’t get, Firefighter Bosko, is why you think it’s appropriate for you to go out into the field injured when you would very likely just create another emergency for us to manage! Everything that can be done is being done to find the members of your team, including your captain. You’re currently creating a problem during a state of emergency.” He pointed toward the cot she couldn’t manage to stay in. “Now, you are off duty. Sit down and wait for transport. If you continue to be a problem, I will file a complaint with your department and have you arrested for the felony-level assholery you’re currently exhibiting. Am I clear?”

Her jaw tightened, but she sat. “Yes, sir.”

Buck exhaled slowly as he walked away. He’d had to stop in the middle of logging bodies to deal with Bosko for a fourth time, and he couldn’t even with her. One of the volunteer nurses, who’d shown up with gear and a can-do attitude to match, fell in beside him as he walked across the main floor of the abandoned hospital they were using.

“You okay?”

“I just wish adults would act like adults,” Buck muttered. “How are things going?”

“As well as we can expect. Supplies are short, but we’ve got a truck on the way with what we need. Several different organizations are mobilizing, and FEMA is on the ground in the heaviest-hit areas. They’re estimating that at least 10,000 people lost their lives today.”

“We’ll never find all of the bodies,” Buck murmured and glanced toward the doors. “I have three morgue tents and another being put together. Moreover, I have one body that doesn’t…. It looks different.”

“What do you mean?” she asked with a frown.

“A lot of the bodies are mangled, I guess, is the best word to use. But this one man, he looks like he was beaten to death.”

“Let me see,” she said. “I’m trained as a forensic nurse. We can get the LAPD’s attention on this.”

“Yeah, come with me.”

He took her to the second morgue tent and led her to the body, which he’d had moved to the back, away from the others. Buck said nothing while she opened the bag and pulled on a pair of gloves as she knelt beside the dead man. She gently moved his head and frowned.

“His neck is broken,” she murmured. “And there are…these bruises look like finger marks. He might have been strangled. So, he definitely needs to be tagged for the ME as a suspicious death. Can you contact dispatch? We certainly need a detective’s attention.”

“Thanks for checking,” Buck said as she zipped the bag back up. “Having someone agree with me is a relief. Even if it turns out we’re wrong, I’d rather be sure.”

“The fact is that some people see a situation like this as an opportunity to do the worst things possible,” she said and shook her head even as he helped her stand. “What an ugly situation, Buck.”

He felt bad because he’d already forgotten her name if he’d ever known it. “I…uh.”

She laughed. “Casey. I’m Casey Wagner. I work for Cedars-Sinai. We’ve met before.”

“Have we? I’m so sorry that I don’t remember.” He really hoped he hadn’t banged her, but he was pretty sure he hadn’t, as he was good at remembering the faces of his sex partners.

“I was part of the team that worked on you the night of the ladder truck bombing,” she said quietly as they left the tent. “So, please don’t apologize for not remembering me. Seeing you today, working, was such a relief.” She took a deep breath. “Traffic was too bad for me to make it to work, so I came out here to volunteer since I was close.”

“Well, we really appreciate all the time you’re giving us,” Buck said as they entered the command tent. His gaze drifted to the kids, who were still snuggled in a cot.

“Should we move them to medical?” Casey questioned. “Have they been looked over?”

“They’re mine,” Buck said. “Well, one is my…partner’s son, and the other is our friends’ son. So…mine is a relative sort of claim.” She laughed. “Either way, I’d like to keep them close, and they’ve been looked over a couple of times. I think if they get one more flashlight in their faces, they’re going to riot.” He cleared his throat. “They were on the pier with me when it hit.”

“Oh.” She huffed. “You’re that firefighter. Everyone keeps talking about the guy who rescued a whole bunch of people with a fire hose out on the pier. And delivered a baby. You really delivered a baby today?”

“Yeah,” Buck said. “My second, and I seriously hope my last. I don’t know how women do it, but I really, deeply, appreciate how strong and fierce all of you are for it. Because Jesus—if it had been up to men to give birth, I wonder if we’d ever made it out of the cave.”

She laughed. “Things usually work themselves in nature.”

“I cried last week because I stubbed my toe.”

Casey put a hand on his arm and burst out laughing. “You were such a trooper about your leg, though.”

Buck smiled. “Thanks for that, since I don’t remember that at all.”

“Hey.”

Buck turned and found Eddie a few feet away. “Hey, how many?”

“We’ve got three, and they’re being sorted into beds.” Eddie rubbed the back of his neck even as Casey took a step back from Buck. “Tagged about twenty bodies for retrieval.”

Buck cleared his throat. “FEMA arrived, and they’re setting up an operation for that.” He motioned to Casey. “This is Casey Wagner. She’s a nurse from Cedars and has been volunteering here today since the traffic was too bad for her to get to work. Casey, this is my partner, Eddie Diaz.”

Eddie took the hand she offered. “I remember you, actually. You were there the night of the bombing. I never got a chance to tell you how much your support meant during all of that.”

She smiled. “You had a lot on your plate, so advocating for your rights wasn’t a burden at all. I promise. Did you get that domestic partnership I suggested?”

“Not yet,” Eddie said with a glance toward Buck. “He’s been playing hard to get.”

Buck laughed. “Shut up. Go stare at our kids for a minute so you’ll feel better. They’re being adorable.”

“I’ve already got a picture sent to me from Bobby. He spammed the group chat with a few.”

“Good because I was sad not to have a picture of it,” Buck admitted.

“It was great to see you again, Casey,” Eddie said and ambled off toward the kids.

Buck watched his partner snag a bottle of water and then focused on Casey. “I’ll contact dispatch now about the body. Can I give them your name as well?”

“Yeah, absolutely. Let me write down my details if the detective needs them.” She walked over to the table and snagged a slip of paper to use. “Let me know if you need me for anything, okay?”

“Yeah, absolutely.”

She waved in Eddie’s direction before leaving the tent. Buck got on the radio with Metro Dispatch and requested a detective be routed to his location at the earliest opportunity. Thankfully, the request was accepted without discussion.

“What’s going on?” Eddie questioned as he sat down in a chair at the table Buck was using to organize his work.

“One of the bodies…it doesn’t look right,” Buck said quietly. “It looks like murder, Eddie, and I…Casey checked for me, and she agreed that it looked weird. He has finger-shaped bruises on his neck and has clearly been battered. He doesn’t look like any of the other victims of the tsunami that we have in body bags.”

“Dios,” Eddie muttered. “Some people are the actual fucking worst. I wonder how many will use this situation to make someone they hate disappear.”

“I don’t know, but it’s concerning as fuck. Anyways, I’ve asked for a detective, and the LAPD is sending one our way. I’ve isolated the body as much as I can from the rest of the victims. He actually still had his wallet on him, so I have an ID, which I haven’t entered into the system. I think the detective might have something to say about how that goes. Anyways, it’s a stressful situation, to say the least. Also, there’s an injured firefighter who has been a genuine pain in the ass.”

“Bosko?”

“You know her?”

“We pulled her off a Ferris wheel a couple of hours ago. She was working but clearly in pain. She’d refused to leave with the boat that went out first since there were people still trapped on it. Captain Gaines ordered her to the field hospital. She tried to say he didn’t have the authority to do that since he works for the LAFD and she’s with Santa Monica. But Bobby and Gaines are sharing authority as incident commanders for our operation since Santa Monica’s department ceded authority due to massive losses on their end. They only have five fire stations, and three of them are essentially destroyed.” Eddie frowned and finished off his water.

“We have a mutual aid agreement with the SMFD,” Buck said. “The departments for Culver City and Beverly Hills have given over as many assets as they can, and we’re currently running six different operations along the coast. FEMA has two. Fortunately, they’re all using our system for coordination.” Buck motioned toward the tablets. He had one charging and another in use.

“At any rate, she’s tried to get on a boat four times, and I’ve had to retrieve her every single fucking time. And it’s getting old. I threatened to have her arrested if she did it again.” Buck rubbed his face with one hand. “I understand her desire to find her captain, but I don’t get the fact that she’s so focused on it that she’s completely dismissive of the fact that she could get someone hurt or killed. Moreover, if she got out there and ended up getting hurt worse, we’d have to divert resources to help her that are better used elsewhere. She’s just selfish.”

“Want me to go talk to her?”

“No, I need to own my authority, and having you manage something for me won’t accomplish that.”

“Okay.” Eddie stood and stretched. “I have another twenty minutes of break time. Can I help with anything on your end?”

“No, take your break and get some food. We have a tent set up on the other end of the parking lot. It’s bright green. You can’t miss it. Maybe bring something back for the kids, though. We’ll wake them up for it.”

“Yeah, sounds good.”

* * * *

“I can take over for Buck, and you can send him home.”

Buck didn’t even look up from the work he was doing on a laptop. FEMA had documentation requirements that had to be met when it came to disaster relief and funding, so he was working on those for their operation.

“When did you get a certification from FEMA in disaster management?” Bobby questioned, and Chimney huffed. “Because the last time I looked, you hadn’t bothered to get a certification since you became a paramedic unless it was required to maintain that cert. Buck is handling situations and paperwork for me that I’m not certified to handle, Chim. You can’t do any of it, either. You should be working in the field hospital, so go back to that.”

Chim scoffed. “Buck didn’t get certified by FEMA, Bobby. Come on, I can’t believe you bought that crap.”

“Are you serious?” Bobby questioned, tone turning hard. “FEMA provided the department with documentation, Chim. Why in the hell would he lie about that? When has Buck ever been known to actually lie?”

“I….”

“In fact, the only pathological liar I know is you.”

Wow, Buck thought, shots fired.

“That’s bullshit, Bobby!”

“It’s the truth, Chim,” Bobby retorted. “And I already told you that you won’t be put into a position of authority in my command again. Not after the crap you pulled the last time you were acting captain. You’re lucky to have not been reprimanded for the procedural violations because you forgot Eddie was probationary.”

“It was a simple mistake.”

“It was ego,” Bobby snapped. “You were too busy feeding your ego to pay attention and do the job properly. Plus, the bullying. You actively bullied members of your own damn team, Chimney. You’re really lucky no one complained officially, and honestly, how are you still standing here thinking that any of that is okay? You were made to apologize to half the shift in front of an HR rep!”

Buck made a face because that asshole hadn’t apologized to him, and he’d definitely been bullied by Chim on the regular since they’d met. Maybe he should just stop taking it. He cleared his throat. “Can the two of you wrap this up? The kids are sleeping.”

“Mind your own business, Evan,” Chim retorted.

“This is my business, Firefighter Han,” Buck said evenly, and Chimney blinked. “You’re not at your duty station, which means you aren’t doing your job in the middle of a natural disaster. You’re arguing with the incident commander and taking up his valuable time. So go back to doing your job or take yourself off duty and leave. We don’t have the time or the patience to pander to you or your inferiority complex right now.”

“I….”

“You heard him,” Bobby said and motioned toward the exit of the tent. “Go back to work.”

Chimney glared at them both and left.

“What’s an inferiority complex?” Denny questioned.

Bobby laughed, and Buck groaned. “That’s all on you, Buck.”

“Man,” Buck muttered. “Whatever.”

* * * *

Hen glomped onto Buck the moment she got close enough. Buck accepted the hug and held her tight. “He’s okay.”

“I was worried about all three of you!” she exclaimed and squeezed him briefly before stepping back. “But I knew you’d do everything you could to keep them safe. You always step up and get it done.”

“We’re being relieved,” Buck explained. “So, as soon as Bobby turns command over, we can go. Eddie should be back in the next ten minutes. Cosmo is currently doing triage on a new group of survivors that walked in. Did you want to join him until we can go?”

“Yeah, let me peek at the kids.”

“They’re currently playing Go Fish. I have no idea where they got a deck of cards from,” Buck explained and motioned toward the command tent.

“Buck?”

Buck turned and found Lou Ranson standing a few feet away from him. “Lou, hey, what…oh, you’re my detective?”

Lou grinned then. “Yes, it seems that I am.”

Hen laughed a little and walked away.

Buck blushed and took a deep breath. He hadn’t really anticipated Lou Ransone being the detective who would get sent out during the midst of a tsunami for a suspicious death. “A little below your pay grade, right?”

“Not necessarily,” Lou said. “But we’re spread just as thin as you guys are. Can you show me the body?”

“Yeah, of course, come this way. I’ve been keeping him at the back of the first morgue tent—separated as much as possible. His wallet was in his pocket, but I haven’t put the name in the system in case you wanted to keep that information confidential.”

“Thank you, that’s good work,” Lou said as he followed him. “You haven’t called recently.”

“I’m…uh.” Buck rubbed the back of his neck as they entered the tent, which was about as much privacy as they could expect in the situation. “I’m seeing someone. It’s serious.”

“I’m happy for you,” Lou said warmly. “I hope it works out.”

“Me, too,” Buck said and relaxed a little as they got to the back of the tent. He didn’t think Lou would be a dick about the lack of future sex between them, but it was nice to have verified. They’d been fuck buddies for well over two years, off and on depending on relationship status for them both. “He’s here.”

Lou pulled on a pair of gloves and unzipped the body bag.

“I put his wallet in a plastic bag and tucked it in next to him.”

Lou nodded and grabbed the plastic bag which he set aside. “Facial bruises look consistent with a fist. He clearly got the shit beat out of him before he died. Some of these are yellowing and old. So, not the first time he’d gotten a beat down recently.” He moved the head carefully. “I agree with the broken neck and the finger-shaped bruising. This looks like homicide.” He zipped the body bag up, grabbed the wallet, and stood. “I’m going to have a uniformed officer come stand in here with the body until the ME gets here. As you can imagine, they’re busy, but a homicide will get priority.”

Buck nodded. “I’m going off duty, but I’ll pass that information on to the person relieving me, and they’ll make sure that no other bodies are routed into this tent. There is room for a few more, but I started using a different one after I noticed him.”

“That’s good thinking, Buck,” Lou said with a warm smile that reminded him of all the intense, awesome sex they used to have. “Thank you.” He put a hand on his arm and squeezed. “Truly.”

“Buck.”

Ransone’s hand dropped immediately, and he schooled his expression as Eddie joined them.

“Eddie Diaz, this is Lieutenant Lou Ransone with Major Crimes,” Buck said. “I was telling him about the body and what we’d done to isolate him as much as possible.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Lt. Ransone,” Eddie said, his gaze accessing and oddly sharp. “We’re ready to go. I’ve got the kids on the ladder, so we’re waiting on you. Jeff Collins is outside and ready for any last-minute details you need to give him for the transfer of command. Deputy Chief Evans is taking over for Bobby, and Mehta is taking Captain Gaines’ place.”

Lou nodded. “You as well, Firefighter Diaz. I’ll let you both go and thanks again, Buck, for the head’s up on this. Every minute counts in a homicide.”

“You’re welcome. Good luck.”

Buck let Eddie guide him toward Collins, a firefighter engineer from the 133, so he could pass off the last of his duties. He handed the man his incident tablet and briefed him on the probable murder victim in tent one, which had the man giving him a look of wide-eyed horror. Then, shortly, he was in a ladder truck for the first time since the bombing. Everyone was watching him like a hawk.

“I’m fine.”

“Just checking in,” Hen said mildly.

“Just don’t ask me to sit in Bobby’s seat anytime soon,” Buck said roughly, and they all laughed.

Christopher leaned into him, so he wrapped his arm around the boy and got passed the glasses, which he looped over his head. Eddie just shook his head at them as Christopher all but burrowed into Buck with a yawn.

“All that muscle can’t be comfortable to sleep on,” Hen said in amusement as she rubbed Denny’s shoulder.

“I resent that, Hen. I’m very cuddly,” Buck said and pretended to pout over it.

He ignored the sour face Chim was wearing without an ounce of guilt. If that jerkoff thought that he was going to apologize for doing his damn job during a disaster, then he had another think coming. Karen Wilson was waiting at the station with Carla Price when they arrived, so Buck got to prove he was cuddly by getting extra long hugs from them both. They’d brought clothes for him and the kids, so he herded both boys into the showers.

Carla had also brought Christopher crutches, which the boy was clearly relieved to have back. Buck understood the desire for independence and autonomy. Eddie handled the kids, and they were quickly showered and taken out of the locker area. Buck appreciated that because he’d felt deeply responsible for them all day and could use a break. He didn’t want to voice that because it might’ve hurt feelings, and was glad that Eddie seemed to just get it.

His locker was empty and had been for months, so he ended up in front of Eddie’s, which wasn’t actually all that unusual. They often shared their gear and clothes across both lockers. His skin was dry, so he grabbed Eddie’s lotion and started with his feet.

“I hope you don’t let your luck and so-called authority today go to your head.”

Buck didn’t bother to respond to Chimney because he had nothing to say to the asshole.

“Are you ignoring me?”

“I don’t care what you hope I do or don’t do,” Buck said. “So, I have nothing to say about your assumptions.”

A few feet from them, Cosmo Fuentes, the firefighter engineer Bobby had hired after the bombing, cleared his throat.

“He was a real dick to me, Cosmo,” Chimney said.

“Firefighter Buckley had a stressful day,” Cosmo said mildly. “And it started by being in the actual tsunami. He saved the lives of twenty-nine people, delivered a baby on top of a flooded-out engine, and worked with dispatch to help evacuate victims. Then, he came into incident command and coordinated rescue efforts across six LAFD teams with Bobby. If you’d been doing your job instead of whining about the job you wanted to do that you’re not qualified for, you’d have probably not even seen Buck today until we were relieved.

“So, if he was a dick to you, which I highly doubt, then you literally brought that shit on yourself.” Cosmo stood. “Give the man some space immediately, Firefighter Han.”

Buck blinked in surprise as Chimney clenched his teeth together and left. “Wow.”

“Don’t take his shit,” Cosmo ordered. “I mean it.” He checked his watch. “I realize you’ve had a long day, Firefighter Buckley, but Bobby and I would like to speak with you before you leave.”

“Call me Buck.”

“My name is Oscar Fuentes,” the man said quietly. “I prefer Cosmo.”

Buck nodded. “Of course.”

He got dressed and followed Cosmo out of the lockers and into Bobby’s little used office. Buck sat down where he was directed.

“Bobby, we can start with you,” Cosmo said as he gave them both bottles of water. “Hydrate. You both look like shit.”

“It’s clear that you didn’t hire him for his sweet demeanor,” Buck said dryly, and Bobby laughed even as he opened his water.

“No, I can’t say I did. Athena made it clear to me that I needed someone to play the heavy for me on shift. Someone who wouldn’t take anyone’s shit, including my own. So, I went through several people before I found a fit.” He glanced toward Cosmo. “It’s working out.”

Buck nodded.

“Buck, I owe you an apology,” Bobby said frankly. “And it’s been made clear to me that I’ve been actively, and without any sort of merit, holding you to a different and unrealistic standard than anyone else in the station. You almost died on me, kid, and I didn’t handle that well. In fact, I’m still not handling it well, but that shouldn’t be your problem to manage. So, I apologize for overtly overlooking the fact that you’re fully recovered and more than capable of doing your job. I hope you can forgive me.”

Buck took a deep breath and opened his water. “Give me a sec.”

“Yeah.”

He drank his water in the silence that followed.

“I told Hen that I thought you didn’t trust me,” Buck said finally, and Bobby started to speak only to sit back in his seat and press his lips together when Cosmo cleared his throat. “She told me that you don’t trust yourself. I can certainly forgive you because you’re important to me. Everyone makes mistakes, and you’ve certainly dragged me through the worst of mine, so I can give you some grace on the fact that your love language is apparently overprotective smothering.”

Cosmo laughed.

“I can’t say it’s not,” Bobby muttered. “Our next shift is Tuesday; can I schedule you?”

“No.” Buck winced when his mouth dropped open. “Bobby, I start classes at the academy in four hours for my SARTECH II certification. The department has offered me the posting of my choice afterward.”

“So, they’re worried that you’re going to take the FEMA offer,” Cosmo said. “Probably more worried now than they were even yesterday.”

“Probably,” Buck admitted. “They’re also looking at Eddie for more SAR training because we have a reputation for working well together.”

“You’re great individually,” Bobby said. “But frankly, you’re dynamic and outstanding as a team. It’s like you speak a language the rest of us have never heard.” He took a deep breath. “Are you going to come back to the 118?”

“I think…that the situation with Chimney is a powder keg, and I’ve already had one bomb explode in my face,” Buck said frankly, and Bobby winced. “Can you get him in hand? Because you’ve never demonstrated that ability to me in the past, Bobby. And I’m not trying to be cruel with this, but he gets away with a lot of bullshit around here that no one else would. You’d bring anyone, including me, up short if they volunteered for jobs they aren’t qualified for. You just ignore Chimney most of the time, and that’s disconcerting. It’s like we’re all waiting for you to agree to let him do something he’s not qualified for.”

“I wouldn’t.”

“It’s not clear to him,” Buck said and exhaled slowly. “I want to come back to the 118, but something has to be done about Chimney before I do. I don’t care how you handle it, but if he gets shitty with me again, I’m going to HR. I give the job everything I have, and I don’t appreciate being made to feel like a fuck up constantly.”

“We’ll handle it,” Cosmo interjected, and Bobby nodded. “He’ll either get his head on straight or be transferred out.”

“The 118 is going to be transitioned into a task force station sometime in the next twelve months,” Bobby said. “All three shifts will double in personnel at that point. We’re getting a USAR truck complete with a second captain, two urban units, and another ambulance. I’ve not announced it. If you stick with us, Buck, and finish out your certs—you’ll lead one of the SAR units. It’ll mean a pay raise, of course, and training responsibilities.” He paused. “And Eddie would go on your team unless he wants something different.”

Buck nodded. “I…that’s appealing. I don’t want to start over in a new station with people I don’t know. All of you were with me when I thought I was going to die.” He cleared his throat. “And I remember that most—that you were trying to lift that truck off me by yourselves until the crowd ran to help. I couldn’t make sense of what I was seeing at first. I couldn’t believe all of those people were running toward the scene of a bombing for me.”

He took a deep breath.

“It was awe-inspiring,” Cosmo said, and they both focused on him. “Honestly, it made going to work the next day easier. I realize that might not make sense. But it was like all of those people were lifting that truck off me, too.”

“It makes sense,” Buck said. “It’s difficult, really, to reconcile the different versions of Chimney I have to deal with. There have been times when he was exactly what I needed him to be—a good teammate. And other times when he is honestly a hellbeast. He needs more therapy than me and Bobby combined. He might need a team of therapists since no one person should have to deal with that much bullshit.”

“Yeah,” Cosmo said wearily. “That sounds about right. How long will you be at the academy?”

“Four weeks.”

“Then, if you’re agreeable, we’ll see you in four weeks, and I assure you—things will be different,” Cosmo said and stood. “Even if I have to put Bobby and Chimney both in therapy.”

“I’m already in therapy,” Bobby blurted out and flushed when they both laughed. “Shut up.” He crossed his arms. “There is no arguing with my wife.”

 

 

Chapter 7

Buck was sore and a little worn thin when he slid into a seat in the small conference room where orientation for the SARTECH II class was being held.

Captain Harold Remy, whom Buck had met years before when he’d first gone through the academy, was at the head of the table reading on a tablet. There were ten people in the class as it was a special offering and only open to those already employed by the LAFD for at least a year. Buck opened the notebook he’d bought just to take notes in and clicked his pen a few times before setting it down.

Remy glanced up, took in the occupants, and settled on Buck with a frown. “Firefighter Buckley, were you not in the field less than five hours ago working the tsunami in Santa Monica?”

“Yes, sir,” Buck shifted in his seat. “I spent most of the shift in incident command working as Captain Nash’s second. We were relieved at seven this morning.”

Remy nodded slowly. “Only after being in the tsunami and running a rescue operation on top of a flooded-out engine where you saved upwards of thirty people by yourself.”

Buck didn’t know where Remy was going with the statement, but he nodded. “Twenty-nine if we count the baby.”

“We definitely count the baby you help to deliver on top of that engine,” Remy said dryly, and Buck laughed. “Shouldn’t you be at home sleeping?”

“I’m fine,” Buck assured. “I figured I could push through the two hours you have scheduled for the day.”

“It’s only going to be an hour,” Remy said and set aside a tablet. “We’ll be rearranging the coursework for the week in deference to the recovery efforts in Santa Monica. All of you can expect to get assignments from your captains within the next twelve hours, as I’ve been asked to release you all back to your individual stations.” He paused. “Except for you, Buckley, FEMA would like you to join their task force on the ground as part of the LAFD liaison team. There will be five other firefighters from the LAFD participating on that particular team, so you won’t be alone. They’re asking for twelve-hour shifts, and you’ll receive a schedule from Chief Alonzo’s office. Captain Nash will be informed.”

Buck nodded.

“While you’re all here today, we’ll walk through my expectations regarding coursework. You’ll receive the study materials via email this afternoon. Depending on recovery efforts, volunteers from out of state, and resources—this course could be pushed back again. You’ll be kept in the loop. Estimates put the death toll for the tsunami over 14,000 at this point. Frankly, we’ll be finding bodies for weeks, if not months. The Coast Guard is pulling bodies out of the water by the dozens on a near hourly basis.”

“With the number of people on the beaches, the tourist areas, and the pier itself, I think 14,000 might be wishful thinking,” Buck said quietly. “The force was immense. It seems like it must have hit the shore at around sixty or seventy miles an hour, and it felt like the world had been jerked out from underneath me.”

Remy folded his hands in front of him. “Are you willing to talk about your experience?”

“I was on the pier with two kids. We were near some food carts, and I heard someone scream. I turned and saw the wave then the siren went off. The kids were on a bench not far from me, so I ran to them. Christopher, my partner’s son, uses crutches, so I grabbed him and told the other kid, Denny, to run toward the engine. We’d seen firefighters from Santa Monica earlier, and they’d commented on the engine since it was smaller than the triple they’d seen at the 118.

“We reached the engine, and I threw Denny on top of it, then Christopher—the wave hit me, and I wasn’t sure I’d managed to get him on top of the truck. Later, they told me that they laid down on the truck and wrapped their arms around each other. I got carried away and ended up grabbing the roll bar of a pickup truck parked down the street. I managed to get myself into the bed of the truck, but the force was overwhelming. I thought I was going to dislocate my shoulder, holding on.”

He took a deep breath and ignored the looks he was receiving. “When I surfaced, the kids were screaming for me. I swam to them, went into the engine to grab what supplies I could, and was relieved to find a radio. I grabbed a hose from the engine to create a catchline so I could use it to pull people out of the water. The first person I caught was a three-year-old little girl. At least, she told me she was three. I can’t tell you how many hours I worked out there before all of my rescues were evacuated.”

“From your first call into Metro until you were reported evacuated, Firefighter Buckley, you worked for three hours and forty-six minutes after you were hit by the tsunami. I can’t say I’d have performed as well even at your age.”

* * * *

Buck let himself into Eddie’s house with a yawn, shrugged out of his jacket, and put it back on the hook where he’d found it. Despite the struggles they’d had over the last few months, he kept a lot of clothes at Eddie’s house. He meandered through the house and paused in the entryway of Eddie’s bedroom. Christopher was curled up against Eddie, hand-fisted in Eddie’s T-shirt.

He took off his shoes, tucked them into the closet, and grabbed some clothes to change into. In the bathroom, he washed his face and brushed his teeth.

“Hey.”

Buck rinsed out his mouth and leaned into Eddie when the man wrapped an arm around him. “Hi.”

“You should’ve let me drive you.”

“The Uber worked out just fine,” Buck said. “And I only stayed for an hour and a half. They’re postponing the coursework for at least a week, maybe more. I’ve been seconded to FEMA as part of a liaison team for the LAFD. The chief’s office arranged it.”

Eddie unfastened Buck’s belt and pulled it from his uniform pants. “Let’s get you ready for bed.”

“Is Chris having a hard time sleeping?”

“No, he’s humoring me,” Eddie said in amusement. He pulled Buck’s uniform shirt over his head and dropped it on the counter. “You’re exhausted.”

“I feel kind of brittle,” Buck confessed and just took a deep breath when Eddie pulled him close. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Eddie asked in a low voice.

“I could’ve gotten them killed.”

“Did I miss the part where you caused a tsunami?” Eddie questioned, and Buck huffed against his partner’s shoulder. “You did everything right yesterday, Buck, and you kept everyone safe. It’s all I could’ve ever asked of you. I can’t say waiting to know if you guys were okay wasn’t agonizing, but I knew if there was anything that could be done, you’d do it.”

Buck closed his eyes. “I thought….” He shuddered. “I didn’t know how I was going to survive if they weren’t on that truck, Eddie. I’d have never found them if they’d been swept off of it.”

“Well, they stayed right where you put them,” Eddie murmured. “And you did an amazing job, Buck. I’m so proud of you.”

“Chim said it was luck,” Buck said. “The new guy, Cosmo, interrupted him and separated us. He’s a hardass.”

“He can be,” Eddie said. “He keeps Chimney in check as much as he can.”

“Bobby asked me to come back to the 118, and I agreed,” Buck murmured. “He said some other stuff that I’m not sure I can discuss with you without permission. Cosmo did promise me that Chim would either get a complete attitude adjustment or he’d be transferred out.”

“Good,” Eddie murmured and pressed a quick kiss against Buck’s mouth.

“Daddy.”

They turned and found Christopher standing braced against the door frame.

“Hey, Superman,” Buck said. “How are you?”

“Fine.” Chris stared at them, gaze narrowed and a little squinty without his glasses. “Are you guys boyfriends now?”

“We’ve been working on us,” Eddie said. “Everything is okay.”

“It must be since there’s kissing and stuff,” Christopher muttered and rubbed his head. “I’m hungry.”

“Buck needs to get some sleep,” Eddie said and released him. “Let’s figure out something to eat, okay?”

“Okay,” Christopher said easily and left, one hand skimming the wall as he walked.

“Is he cool?” Buck questioned.

“He’s sad,” Eddie said quietly. “I’ve already contacted the therapist he’s been working with. A lot of people died, and he knows it. So that’s something we’ll have to manage going forward.”

‘A lot of us will be managing that for the rest of our lives,” Buck said and took a deep breath. “I’m sorry they saw so much. I couldn’t…prevent it, Eddie. There was too much else to do. Maybe it was a mistake to give them a job, but it felt like….”

“Hey, you did the best you could with what you had, and what you did was amazing, Evan.”

Buck focused on him because Eddie rarely called him by his first name. “I didn’t even know that Lucas was taking pictures of the dead that were in the water until he already had more than a dozen. Part of me wanted to stop him from doing it despite the fact that they’ll probably provide closure for people.”

“You got lucky pulling him out of the water so early on since he had such a good head on his shoulders.” Eddie took a deep breath. “And that’s the only part that was luck out there, okay?”

“Yeah.”

Buck stayed where he was as Eddie went in search of Christopher. He didn’t really have the energy to think much about anything, so he finished undressing, put on a pair of shorts and a T-shirt, and crawled into bed.

* * * *

Eddie rubbed his face as he sat down at the table. He wasn’t hungry and wasn’t sure if he could actually put food in his stomach, even if he were. The raw, tired feeling he’d had during the course of his last shift hadn’t faded. Part of him was still in that moment when he didn’t know if the kids and Buck were even alive.

“I’m sorry you worried about us yesterday,” Christopher said as he dragged his spoon through his cereal. “It was a hard day.”

“Yeah, it was,” Eddie murmured. “But we’re okay.”

“A lot of people aren’t, and they won’t ever be,” he said and took a deep breath. “I thought…I thought he was gone. I knew it was going to be my fault. If he hadn’t had to carry me, he could’ve moved faster, and the water would’ve never taken him away.”

Eddie carefully ran his fingers through his son’s hair. “Buck loves you, and if saving you had been the last thing he did on this Earth, he wouldn’t have regretted it for one second.”

“I….” Christopher took a deep breath and sniffled. “I would have.”

“Hey.”

“Loving people hurts.”

Eddie took a deep breath. “Yeah, but if it couldn’t hurt…then maybe it wouldn’t be worth it. Does that make sense?”

Christopher made a face at him. “No.”

Eddie laughed. “Mijo.”

His son rolled his eyes. “Maybe. I guess something can’t feel great if feeling bad didn’t exist. Buck says life should be lived richly. I’m not sure what that means.”

“It means that we aren’t promised tomorrow and that we should make the very most out of every single day we have,” Eddie said quietly. “We can’t predict what will come our way, Chris. But love makes everything worth it. Even when it hurts.”

“Are you guys just messing around, or is it serious?” Christopher asked, and Eddie’s mouth dropped open.

“What?”

“Buck’s important to me, Daddy,” Christopher said. “And if you don’t mean it….” He paused. “If you both don’t mean it, then you shouldn’t hurt your friendship trying to be more.”

Eddie could not believe his own child was giving him side-eye about his relationship choices. “Christopher Javier Diaz.”

“I’m just trying to be real with you, Daddy,” Christopher said and pointed at him with his spoon. “I don’t think you and Buck have adult communication skills.”

“Shut up,” Eddie said with a laugh. He slouched back in his chair and threw his feet up in the chair on the other side of the table. “And yeah, we mean it. Between you and me, I’m going to do my best to marry Buck.”

Christopher nodded. “Okay.”

“Just okay?”

“Yeah,” Christopher said and bit down on his bottom lip. “I called him Papa yesterday. It was just the once, and I…I don’t know how he felt about it. It was when he was in the water, and he wouldn’t let us pull him out of the water. I don’t want to upset him or make him uncomfortable, so I haven’t asked him about it.”

Eddie sat up and pulled his feet from the chair. “Can you do something for me?”

“Yeah.”

“Can you tell me what happened?” Eddie paused when Christopher’s eyes widened. “I need to know what Buck was dealing with, Mijo, and normally on the job, I’m right there beside him going through whatever he’s going through. Yesterday was different.”

“The big wave…I saw it,” Christopher said. “One second, Denny and I were on the bench talking to you, and the next, Buck was picking me up and running. People were screaming, but I don’t…remember seeing anyone. It happened so fast. He picked Denny up by his jeans and threw him up onto the truck, and…Denny reached out for me just as Buck was tossing me up there, too.”

Eddie took a deep breath.

“And the wave came—it hit us. But Denny dragged me into the place between the small ladder and the…water pump?”

Eddie nodded. “Yeah.”

“We held on to each other, and it was loud. I didn’t know water could be that loud.” Christopher focused on his cereal. “And I don’t know how long it took, either. It seemed to last forever. But then it was calm, and for a few seconds, it was like the whole world was still. Then we heard screaming for help, and we started calling out for Buck. But we didn’t see him anywhere.

“Denny said he was strong and he’d be okay, but I was so worried that I couldn’t really think. Then Denny saw him, and we called out to him. Buck swam to us. I was worried that he wouldn’t be able to because the water was still moving really fast at that point. Buck went into the front part of the truck and got a bag. He also found a radio. He reported into Metro Dispatch, then he looked us over.”

Eddie nodded.

“He pulled out a firehose and tied it to a post on the opposite side of the street, then…Harper caught it. Buck dove right into the water after her, Daddy. He didn’t even hesitate, and she was crying, screaming for her mommy.”

“She was probably very scared.”

“Yeah, but Buck calmed her down and put her with us on the truck. Then more people came. It was a lot.” Christopher picked up his bowl and drank all of the milk.

“Want some more?”

“You must have been worried,” Christopher said in amusement. “I never get two bowls of Froot Loops.”

“It was a day,” Eddie said wryly.

“You showed up just after Eva was born,” Christopher said. “Buck was clearly getting tired, but we couldn’t make him slow down. He just kept working and….” He frowned. “Then we went to the hospital, and he didn’t stop then, either, Daddy. I think he needs a vacation.”

“You and me both,” Eddie muttered. “But during a big disaster like the one we had yesterday—everyone who can work does work. We’ll be working on that situation for weeks to come, Mijo.”

“Finding bodies,” Christopher said.

“Yeah, we’ll certainly work to find every single person we can,” Eddie said gently. “It’s what they deserve.”

He nodded. “I know. It’s just…hard to think about all those people dying.” Christopher put his spoon in the bowl and exhaled slowly. “We should go nap with Buck so he doesn’t get up and wander around the house.”

Eddie laughed.

“Also, being sad makes me sleepy,” Christopher confessed, and Eddie stood. He plucked his son right up out of the chair. “Daddy.”

“I’m gonna carry you around for a while, Mijo,” Eddie murmured. “It’s what you get for being in a tsunami.”

Christopher huffed but utterly relaxed on his shoulder as Eddie walked through the house. “Whatever.”

* * * *

Buck entered the command tent that FEMA had set up a quarter mile from the pier. Three days after the tsunami meant fewer living victims and more bodies. They’d found a few instances of entrapment in vehicles and destroyed buildings, but the teams were fast losing hope of finding more survivors.

He grabbed a bottle of water and found a spot to put the laptop he’d been issued down so he could work on the reports he’d been assigned. Buck pulled out his phone and opened the notes app he’d been using to take down details of data of the bodies that were in the morgue tent they were managing for the coroner’s office. They had ten volunteer medical examiners from around the state doing on-site exams to help with identifications. Water damage on some of the bodies was going to make fingerprinting difficult, but DNA samples were being taken from every body to confirm identifications.

Fortunately, none of them appeared to be foul play, as one murder victim was more than enough for Buck to think about. He didn’t know how that case was going and had refrained from reaching out to Lou as he didn’t want to push that relationship into a different place.

The growing number of missing person reports was piling up, as expected, and it was disheartening to match those reports with bodies. Many of the male bodies had proven easy to identify as they still had their wallets in their clothes. The worst were the children, who rarely had any identifying marks to speak of and no identification with their bodies at all.

He worked through all of his notes, filing a small report on each body for the database that FEMA had set up for victims, and was drinking his water in silence when Chimney sat down across from him. It was a B-shift day, so any members of his shift at the 118 that were on site were working overtime.

“Why did you get this certification for FEMA work if you weren’t going to work for them?” Chimney asked.

“I had a lot of downtime, and it was one of the certs that I could do online as far as the coursework went. I had to go to Sacramento for a few things near the end, but I was already out of the cast at that point. I like to keep busy, and I didn’t have much to do during recovery except for watching TV and physical therapy.” Buck shrugged. “I ended up taking four classes from FEMA because they were free and interesting. You know I like to learn, Chimney.”

The older man nodded and frowned. “Your sister told me she might go back to Boston.”

“I think it would be best for her—she had a life there and a lot of friends. She’d also built up a career that I don’t think she’s allowed herself to consider since the whole situation with Doug imploded. She worked hard to become a registered nurse, and it was all she talked about growing up. It was a dream for her.”

“If you were willing to support her properly, she wouldn’t be going back to Boston,” Chimney told him and glared briefly before looking away.

“It’s…not healthy to let her fixate on me to avoid her own damn problems,” Buck returned. “Maddie is a champion at avoidance, and I’m not going to enable it. I’m really not trying to be rude, Chim, but this is a family matter, and you aren’t family. My relationship with my sister really isn’t anyone’s business but my own.”

Chimney’s jaw clenched, and exhaled noisily. “I don’t want you to come back to the 118, Buck. Everyone is fawning over you right now—giving you special assignments and acting like your luck during the tsunami is actually some sort of skill. You shouldn’t have a problem transferring somewhere else.”

Buck considered how to respond to that. “It’s not really your call, you know. Bobby has already asked me about returning and is going to put me on the schedule as soon as possible. I have this FEMA thing then I’ll be at the academy for the SARTECH II certification. After all of that is finished, I’ll be back at the 118. If you don’t like it, then I suggest you move on.”

Chimney stared at him for a moment. “I was there first. If anyone should be moving on—it’s you. I don’t care what Bobby or Fuentes thinks about it.”

“Since you have zero authority to decide that, I guess I’m confused as to how you can make that kind of demand,” Buck said mildly and got a glare for his trouble. “Seriously. It’s also not my responsibility to manage your expectations—professionally or personally. I don’t owe you a single thing, Chim.” He paused. “And neither does my sister, for the record.”

“Doug Kendall nearly murdered me.”

“And I’m very sorry for that,” Buck said. “Had I known he was dangerous, I’d have definitely shared a picture of him with everyone around us. I knew their marriage wasn’t great, based on her behavior when she arrived, but I had no idea it was abusive.” Chim nodded. “But Doug’s violence against you, while horrific, doesn’t equal any sort of debt. My sister doesn’t owe me anything, either. I’ve never kept score like that in my personal relationships, and I never will. That kind of behavior just creates toxic expectations. Though I doubt I’m the first to say this to you, get some therapy and stop using others as emotional punching bags to avoid your trauma.”

Chim made a face at him. “No one’s ever been that explicit.”

“That’s a shame,” Buck said and shrugged. “I don’t owe you the kid-glove treatment either, Chim. You’re a grown-ass man. Start acting like it.”

“Bobby’s never going to choose me over you,” Chimney said sourly. “Everyone knows you’re the replacement kid, and you lean into that bullshit.”

“People are not replaceable,” Buck said flatly, closed the laptop, and stood. “What a disgusting thing to say. I really hope that you’ve never said that shit to Bobby. The man grieves the children he lost every single goddamned day and doesn’t deserve to be punched in the face with that kind of disrespect.” He waved a hand between them. “But this is par for your course. You don’t hear what you want to hear, and you lash out like a toddler. This tent is reserved for administrative personnel and invited volunteers. You’re neither, so leave. Do you really need someone from FEMA complaining to the chief’s office about your behavior on the scene of a natural disaster?”

“Christ, I can’t fucking stand you,” Chim ground out through clenched teeth as he stood and shoved the chair he’d been sitting back under the table. “I keep wondering what shady shit you did to get the money you have, Buck. Everyone thinks you’re practically a saint despite the fact that you fuck around like it’s your job.”

“Neither my sex life nor my financial situation is any of your business,” Buck said. “I disclosed all of my financial data to professional standards during the hiring process. If they had any concerns about how I made the money I had before joining the LAFD, I wouldn’t even be on the job today.”

“Maddie said there was no way your trust fund was that much. Hers wasn’t even a third of what you’ve got,” Chimney said stubbornly.

“And? Money can’t grow? It can’t be invested?” Buck huffed when Chimney appeared shocked. “Seriously, that’s what money managers are for. I’ve never been dumb with money and didn’t spend it on college. It’s that simple. Now, leave before I have to involve security.”

“Money managers, right,” Chimney rolled his eyes.

“I made close to 200,000 last year with overtime, Chim,” Buck said patiently, and the older man blinked in surprise. “So yeah, money managers are a thing, and I’m not an idiot. Please go away. I just had to put two kids in body bags, and I’m at my limit with you.”

Chimney glared at him. “I can’t believe you’re the one trying to be pissed off at me.”

“Firefighter Buckley.”

Buck turned and found Harold Remy standing at the entrance of the tent. “Captain Remy, I’ve finished the data input on the arrivals from sector ten, and I’m waiting on an incoming transport from sector fifteen. The volunteer MEs are working at capacity, and FEMA has agreed to fly in more volunteers from out of state.”

Remy nodded and focused on Chimney. “Do you have a purpose in this tent?”

“I was just leaving,” Chimney said. “Buck and I work together at the 118.”

Remy stared for a moment. “Then go.”

“Yes, sir.” Chimney shot Buck a dirty look as he hurried out of the tent.

“I told him to leave, sir,” Buck said.

“I heard the entire conversation, Buck,” Remy retorted and came fully into the tent after a glance over his shoulder. “There have been some rumors about the situation with Howard Han at the 118. Especially after Nash managed to hire Oscar Fuentes away from the 122. Nash made it known he needed an engineer as his second that could play the heavy.”

“It wouldn’t be Bobby’s natural personality to try it,” Buck said. “And it would look insincere as a result.”

“Oh, I know,” Remy said and leaned on the table. “Nash is always our first choice at the academy if we have a probie with potential who has a big, soft heart.” He stared pointedly at Buck.

Buck flushed. “Right.”

“There’s nothing wrong with having compassion, Buck,” Remy said plainly. “And your empathy makes you a great first responder even if it takes an emotional toll, so I hope you’re giving yourself room to breathe on the mental health front.”

“Yes, sir, of course. I learned the hard way that not taking care of my mental health is a hard and destructive road.” Buck shifted the laptop around in front of him. “And I’ve seen some examples of how that can go when it comes to doing the work we do. I don’t want to end up at a dead end in my career with no family and a host of untreated mental health issues that will eventually drag me down. I’ve met some pretty bitter and miserable people on the job since I was hired.”

“So have I,” Remy said. “We’re getting ready for a shift change. Do you have any pending issues beyond the incoming transport from fifteen?”

“No, sir, that would be it.”

“Then you’re off-duty for forty-eight, and I’ll see you back for your next shift,” Remy said. “I understand that you are your partner are taking turns staying at home with his son.”

“Yeah, we want to make sure he processes what happened as well as we can,” Buck said. “He’s just eight.”

“He was a real trooper during the event,” Remy said. “I listened to him and Hen Wilson’s son working with dispatch on your behalf the whole time. I know you’ve been told this, probably more than once, but your performance out there was outstanding, and it made me damn proud to have had a hand in training you when you were at the academy.”

“Thank you, sir. I did the best I could with what I had.”

“Well, your best was amazing.”

 

 

Chapter 8

Buck hesitated in the entryway of the kitchen. Eddie was standing at the counter dressed in a pair of shorts and nothing else. He was drinking a bottle of water. “Hey.”

Eddie leaned on the counter. “Hey, just got back from a run.”

“Yeah, I figured. Where’s Chris?”

“Karen confiscated him,” Eddie said, and Buck laughed. “She said Denny hasn’t been doing well and that maybe they’d do better together since they shared the experience.”

Buck nodded. “Makes sense,” he said and sat down at the table. “There was a Sunday school class on the pier.”

“Oh God.”

“Yeah, the adults in a store managed to barricade the doors. It didn’t do anything but keep their bodies together. They were being brought in when I left. Seventeen kids and six adults. I was so fucking relieved to have already gone off duty. We’d already put nine kids in body bags while I worked, and I couldn’t…the youngest was like two, Eddie. I can’t….” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “So, I was driving home, and I was flipping through channels, and some jackhole had called into a radio show in Chicago with the opinion that the tsunami was a punishment for all our sins.”

Eddie sat down with him and took his hand. “How much time do you have off?”

“Forty-eight hours,” Buck said hoarsely and wiped tears from his face with his free hand. “Chimney was there today—he told me that he didn’t want me to come back to the 118.”

“That’s not his decision.”

“Oh, I made that clear,” Buck said. “He was just a real dick. He said Bobby would never pick him over me because I was his replacement kid. It was such a disgusting thing to say. I hope he never says that shit to Bobby. Unfortunately, Captain Remy heard the whole thing.”

Eddie stood and tugged him from his seat. “Let’s sit on the couch. Did you need to see Chris?”

“Yeah,” Buck admitted. “It was really disappointing to find his room empty.”

He let Eddie put him on the couch and said nothing when his partner grabbed his phone. Shortly, Hen was putting Christopher on Facetime.

“Hey Buck,” Christopher said. “You look sleepy.”

“I’m a little sleepy,” Buck murmured. “Are you and Denny having fun?”

“We’re watching a super dumb shark movie,” Christopher said. “He thinks we should watch a bunch of movies with water in them to get used to it. What do you think?”

“Well, there are therapies where you expose yourself to something that is a problem until it’s easier to handle,” Buck said. “But you guys be careful with each other. You can talk to your therapist about it if you start to have problems with water. Are you afraid of it?”

“A little,” Christopher admitted. “The tsunami hurt a lot of people. You were there to keep me and Denny safe. That helps.”

“I always want to keep you guys safe,” Buck murmured and cleared his throat. “Your dad will talk to your therapist about an extra appointment.”

“Yeah, okay, I probably need it. Denny’s going to get a therapist, too. Karen says it’s always a good idea to have a safe place to talk. Do you have one?”

“Yep, because I agree we all need that. I’ll let you get back to your super dumb shark movie.”

“You should spend the night at our house,” Christopher said. “So, you’ll get good sleep. I always sleep better when I feel safe, and Daddy will make you feel safe. He’s good at that.”

“Yeah, I’ll do that,” Buck murmured. “Be good for Karen and Hen.”

“I’m always good,” Christopher declared and laughed when Buck raised an eyebrow at him. “Seriously. Have a good night, Bucky!”

“You, too,” Buck said and waited until Christopher ended the call before he gave the phone back to Eddie. “Thanks.”

“I’m glad you have two days off,” Eddie said as he put the phone aside and pulled him close. “What can I do?”

“Just be you,” Buck murmured. “Because he’s right—you’re good at making people feel safe.”

“Let’s take a shower,” Eddie said. “Do you need to sleep?”

“I’m tired,” Buck said. “But it’s emotional, not physical.”

“Then a shower and a nap is definitely on your agenda,” Eddie stood and pulled him from the couch. “Let me take care of you.”

Since that sounded amazing, Buck just nodded and let Eddie pull him through the house and into the bedroom. He relaxed as the lock clicked into place. Just being in the room that Eddie had defined as their private space was enough that his mind was already starting to settle and drift into a different place.

“Strip.”

“Yes, Sir,” Buck murmured and reached for his belt with trembling hands. “I received my test results. Everything was fine.”

“Yeah, I got mine, too. No issues.”

Buck nodded.

Neither of them had expected anything different as they’d had no symptoms to speak of and had no history of truly risky behavior. He took off his shirt and dropped it in the basket before sitting down on the bed to remove his socks and shoes. Taking a deep breath to settle himself, he stood to finish undressing. He put the rest of his clothes in the basket and tucked his shoes beside it to keep them out of the way.

Buck stood naked by the dresser and waited. He took a deep breath then exhaled as slowly as possible. Eddie started the shower and called out to him, so Buck walked into the bathroom. His partner was already naked. The urge to touch was overwhelming, but he didn’t have permission, so he kept his hands to himself as he joined Eddie in the shower.

“Talk to me,” Eddie murmured. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”

“Captain Remy thinks I have a soft heart,” Buck murmured. “And they apparently make a habit of launching the soft-hearted at Bobby from the academy.”

“Bobby was my third interview,” Eddie said. “It was recommended that I go to the 56, but the only captain I liked over there didn’t have room for a new hire. My second was with Mehta at the 133.”

“He’s good,” Buck said. “Even-handed and careful with his people.”

“He admitted that it would be his goal to put me on the paramedic track,” Eddie said. “And I didn’t want that. He certainly wouldn’t have forced it on me, but that’s what he was looking for when it came to hiring. I didn’t want to mislead him, so I was honest. One of my last acts as a medic in the field, while I served, was cauterizing one of my own wounds.

“I caught the bullet in the thigh first, so I did the best I could to fix it. The other two I took within seconds of each other, so I was down after that. The EMT stuff we do is about my limit on that kind of duty going forward. I told Bobby that, and he understood it immediately. There were no questions about revisiting it in the future.”

“Then Chimney put you on the ambulance while Bobby was suspended,” Buck said with a grimace.

“Well, that was wrong for several reasons. I’m not qualified to work the ambulance as a paramedic; I was still probationary, and it was contrary to what Bobby and I agreed on. The only reason I was in the ambulance for the grenade ride was because of the ordnance issue, which I totally understood.”

Buck nodded as Eddie grabbed the shampoo. He closed his eyes as Eddie started washing his hair. It was far easier than he’d expected to surrender to his partner’s care, and maybe that should’ve been a clue for him. It was hardly the first time he’d had a thought like that.

“Captain Remy is running the liaison team for the LAFD. He’s very competent, on task, and detail-oriented.”

“That must be a comfort,” Eddie murmured, and Buck shifted closer to him. “The circumstances out there aren’t great. I don’t look forward to my shift tomorrow, but at least I won’t have Chimney in my face since he worked today, and we aren’t scheduled for the 118 until Sunday.”

“Fortunately, they’re keeping everyone on twelve-hour shifts for this,” Buck said. “I worked an earthquake in Peru as a volunteer about a year before I came to LA. It was awful—lots of deaths involving crush injuries. But the water…god…what the water does to the human body is nothing short of horrific.”

“Yeah,” Eddie murmured and pressed a kiss against his shoulder. “It’s okay to be upset.”

“I can’t even tell you how many people I saw in tears today—tragedy is an equalizer. The list of missing persons is heartbreaking, and it’s growing by the hour. The LAPD has asked retired cops to come in and help them take reports. They’re working around the clock to get people into the system so we can start trying to match bodies. It’ll come down to DNA for a lot of them due to the damage done to the bodies. Even taking fingerprints is impossible in some cases.” He paused. “Many cases. Apparently, the extremities are the first thing to be fed on by sea life.”

“Let’s try to give you a mental reset,” Eddie said. “So, you can sleep well.”

“Okay,” Buck murmured and let his head fall forward as Eddie continued to bathe him. “You work twelve tomorrow, right?”

“Yeah, then I have a full shift with the 118 on Sunday.”

“Remy knew we were taking turns in case Christopher needed us,” Buck said. “I don’t know how.”

“He called me and asked me if I wanted to partner with you for volunteer hours,” Eddie said. “I told him what we’d decided, and he accepted it without discussion.”

“Okay,” Buck said. “It was nice of him to ask.” He cleared his throat. “Do you think he was worried about my performance?”

“No, of course not. I just think he was trying to manage his resources to the best of his ability, and we have a good reputation as far as working together goes. Also, it needs to be said that at times like these, having emotional support on the job is very important.”

Buck nodded and turned his face into the water because tears were welling. Eddie moved closer, ran his fingers gently through Buck’s hair, and he closed his eyes as shampoo started to run down his face. Eddie guided him through the rest of the shower, dried him off, and put him to bed with gentle hands.

“I’m sorry,” Buck murmured as Eddie sat down on the edge of the bed.

“For what?”

“I’m a mess,” Buck confessed. “I thought I was doing really well.”

“You’re doing great,” Eddie corrected. “And you’re allowed to be emotionally upset by the work, Buck. No one with a heart working this disaster is unaffected. I wouldn’t want to know someone who could do what you were doing today without being upset. You did the job, right?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“Then coming home afterward and letting down your guard is normal and acceptable. I don’t need you to be perfect. I need you to be real with me in every single way.”

Buck nodded and pulled the blanket over his shoulder. “Okay.”

“Get some sleep,” Eddie instructed. “When you get up—we’ll figure out something to eat.”

“I shouldn’t nap long. It’ll throw off my schedule,” Buck said and yawned.

* * * *

“Chim called me and told me that he and Buck can’t get along anymore,” Bobby said, and Eddie made a face as he considered how to respond to that. “He tried to tell me that his seniority should count for something.”

“What are you going to do?” Eddie asked.

“I offered to arrange his transfer,” Bobby said plainly. “I told him if he wanted to stay with my shift that he needed to complete an anger management course and have no less than thirty hours of therapy to start.”

“How did he respond?”

“He asked to be transferred to the 56.” Bobby sighed. “The only shift that would take him was C on a ground crew, and Captain Barrett is doing me a favor. He doesn’t qualify for any sort of advanced SAR duty, and he’ll find out quickly enough that he’ll need to pursue certifications to get anywhere with his new captain.”

“That’s a pretty big favor.”

“Chimney is a very good paramedic,” Bobby said. “And he works hard when he isn’t distracted by personal issues. His fitness reviews are always on point, and he’s had no formal complaints. On paper, he’s fine, if somewhat stagnate in his career.”

Eddie nodded. “He’s competent, and I’ve never known him to make a poor choice on that front. Will Buck get any blowback from anyone else on the shift about the change?”

“No, because Chimney hasn’t really made friends in the months that Buck’s been gone. In fact, he seems to have gone out of his way to alienate quite a few people, including Hen. Frankly, I’ve always worried that Hen would go with Chimney if he ever transferred. I spoke with her, and she said she’s happy at the 118 and isn’t interested in changing anything.”

“Good.” Eddie leaned on the counter and looked around his kitchen. “You busy?”

Bobby hummed under his breath. “Not specifically. Something up?”

“Buck had a hard shift, and I figured he might like his favorite food. I can cook, but any curry situation is beyond me. I never get it quite right.”

“Give me an hour, and I’ll head your way with dinner. Christopher is at Hen’s, right?”

“Yeah, so you can make it as hot as Buck would like, and thanks. I really appreciate it.” Eddie took a deep breath. “Should I worry about Chimney showing up here? He’ll certainly come here if he’s looking for Buck and he can’t find him at his loft.”

“I’ve told him that he should leave Buck alone and that harassing him, even off-duty, could endanger his job. That doesn’t mean he’ll listen because he resents the hell out of Buck through no fault of Buck’s. He’s already cleaned out his locker at the station, and he complained bitterly the whole time he was doing it. He certainly didn’t keep the reason for his transfer to himself. I heard he mostly blamed me and cited favoritism.”

Eddie couldn’t deny the whole favoritism thing and wouldn’t try. Bobby had tackled a suicide bomber to save Buck, and it had been broadcast on national television. “It seems like Chimney has always had unreasonable expectations when it comes to your relationship with him, maybe because of the captain parade between the abusive one and you. It was like you were a savior of sorts. But now you aren’t coming to his rescue, and he’s taking it personally.”

“That sounds about right,” Bobby said roughly. “I need to get started on the curry, and I’ll head your way in about an hour.”

“Thanks.” Eddie set aside his phone when Bobby ended the call.

He walked through the house, lingered briefly in his bedroom doorway, and watched Buck sleep. Since that was a little weird, he moved on quickly and checked his son’s room. It was a bit of a mess, so he picked up some clothes, put away two pairs of shoes, and tucked Christopher’s backpack under the desk.

His doorbell rang at that point, and he trotted off toward it in the hopes of answering the door before the person rang it again. Hopefully, Buck would sleep through the first ring. It was no kind of pleasant surprise to find Maddie Kendall on his front porch. He pulled the door shut behind him as she took a few steps back.

“I wanted to speak with Evan. He’s not answering his phone.”

“He got a new phone number when he replaced his phone,” Eddie said. “And he’s currently asleep. Buck just finished a very hard shift. He’s been seconded to FEMA for the tsunami recovery operation.”

“He got a new number. Why didn’t he call me with it?”

“I can’t answer that question, but I can assume it has something to do with the fact that he told you that he’d contact you when he was ready to talk to you. Buck’s clearly not ready to talk to you.”

“He doesn’t get to just ignore me, Eddie.”

He raised an eyebrow. “So, you can ignore him for the better part of a decade, but he can’t ignore you for a week?” Her cheeks flushed. “I realize your circumstances were heinous, but that doesn’t give you the right to treat people around you like shit.”

“I’m not….” Tears welled in her eyes.

“I grew up with a mother who turned on the waterworks every single time she didn’t get her way,” Eddie said frankly. “I’m sure you’re upset, but it’s not for the reasons you’d like me to think. Buck has every single right to be angry with you, and he made the healthy choice to distance himself from you because you don’t think your brother should be allowed to have boundaries with you. Being with the LAFD is not a job for Buck. It’s a calling, and you tried to ruin it for him. Becoming a firefighter gave him purpose, and it gave him a path forward in life that means something to him. Your lack of respect for that broke his heart.”

“I….” Her mouth trembled, and she covered it with a shaking hand. “I just…he was hurt so badly, and he’s the only family I have. Our parents are awful, and they blamed me for Doug’s behavior. They said if I’d been a proper wife, he’d have never embarrassed them the way he did.”

Eddie sat down on the steps, and she joined him. Maddie was incredibly small beside him. “The first time I killed someone, I threw up for over an hour. I nearly got admitted to the infirmary. Thankfully, my CO at the time understood that I was just eighteen, and he didn’t hold it against me officially. I did have to speak with a psychologist, though.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, of course. The military takes the mental health of their assets very seriously. PTSD can and will get you discharged, so they wanted to make sure that killing another person hadn’t…fucked me up permanently.”

“And it didn’t?”

“I was eighteen and full of masculine pride,” Eddie said. “So, I bluffed my way through it. Looking back on it, that was definitely a mistake. I needed more help than I allowed myself to be given. After I was discharged and sent home—I was emotionally destroyed. I’d lost a career I’d invested a lot of time and effort in. So, I came home bitter and in physical agony. My wife couldn’t handle the circumstances and bailed on me in the middle of the night.”

“I’m sorry she did that. You and Christopher deserved better from her.”

“I wasn’t a good husband,” Eddie said. “But Christopher did nothing to deserve what she did. I’ve been working on myself, and therapy is part of that. You grew up in a deeply dysfunctional home, and you can directly blame that abusive environment for what you tolerated in your marriage. What was your breaking point?”

“He bought me a little cat for Christmas,” Maddie murmured. “I adored her, and he…well, he used her to punish me. I told the vet she was hit by a car. I had to put her down due to the injuries. I was standing outside of the vet’s office with a receipt for her cremation in my hand, and I thought…one day, this will be me. One day, I’ll be a receipt in someone’s hand. Just a receipt because that’s all I meant to Doug. It’s all I would mean to my parents. The only person who’d ever truly loved me was gone from my life because I’d ignored him for years.

“So, I ran straight to Evan because he loves me.” She shuddered. “And now I’ve ruined that, too.”

The door opened behind them, and shortly, Buck sat down on the other side of her. Eddie only briefly considered leaving. He wanted Buck in his life permanently, which meant that Maddie Kendall was his family as much as Buck was. And he didn’t think he could ever truly turn his back on his own sisters, so he couldn’t really do the same with Maddie unless Buck did.

“You’ve got a lot of bad habits you learned from Margaret,” Buck said quietly. “And she’s toxic as fuck, Maddie. If you want to stay on that road, then I have to keep you at a distance. Allowing you to continually throw your mental health issues all over me will ruin both of our lives. I can’t force you to make better choices in your personal life, Maddie. I can’t make you see that you aren’t some sort of rehab center for badly behaved men.”

Maddie exhaled sharply. “Can I ask a question that will sound kind of crazy?”

“Sure,” Buck said and carefully took one of her trembling hands into his own. “Relax.”

“I don’t want to say the wrong thing and ruin what’s left of us,” Maddie blurted out and took a deep breath. “Is it weird that Doug was able to befriend Chimney so easily? Chim told me that it was like an instant friendship and that he really enjoyed spending time with him. He thought he’d finally found someone who could be his best friend.”

“It’s weird and unfortunate,” Eddie retorted when Buck said nothing. “And it’s also an immense red flag. The people on the International Space Station can see that flag from orbit.” They both laughed. “Some truly bewildered scientist is up there writing a report as we speak.”

“It’s horrifying,” Buck admitted. “But it makes sense in a way. Chimney is a pathological liar, and so was Doug. Chimney abuses women. So did Doug.”

“What do you mean Chim abuses women?” Maddie asked quietly.

“He’s a liar, Maddie. He lies to women on a level that I would consider to be intimate fraud, and that’s abuse as far as I’m concerned. He creates this persona for each woman he dates—one tailored toward making them want him. He even asked one of them to marry him, despite the fact that she knew precious little about him that was true. I already told you all of this, but I think you just sort of ignored it because Chim was kind to you.”

“And he treats Buck like shit,” Eddie said. “Chim’s verbally and emotionally abusive. It’s probably a byproduct of how he’s been treated, but that doesn’t mean it should be tolerated. I’m not sure if it’s a power game for him or if he’s so mentally fucked up, he doesn’t even know his own motivations.”

“Why didn’t you tell me that part, Evan?” Maddie asked in a whisper. “I’d have never even been his friend if I’d known he was hurting you.”

“I was just trying to push through,” Buck said. “And I didn’t know you two were heading toward anything serious. I did warn you not to trust him on a personal level because he’s a womanizer, and you were still married.”

“Yeah.” Maddie exhaled. “Doug’s lawyer contacted me. I got his whole estate despite the fact that I killed him. His parents didn’t even protest any of it. I guess they don’t want to be embarrassed further. Doug’s crime spree hit his family hard, and his mother said he’d ruined their lives. I think they might even move to get away from the rumors.”

“You’re having nightmares about it, right?” Eddie questioned, and she nodded. “You wake up and search your whole apartment to make sure he’s not there despite the fact that you know he’s dead.”

“Yes.”

“You see a man on the street who reminds you of him, and your heart starts to pound like it might burst out of your chest,” Eddie continued.

“Yes,” Maddie said hoarsely. “How do you…know that?”

“You haven’t processed your trauma, Maddie,” Buck interjected. “You’re suffering from PTSD, and it’s normal. You’ve probably had PTSD since you were a kid.”

“I have…something to tell you that will upset you in a terrible way,” Maddie blurted out.

“About Daniel?” Buck questioned, and Maddie went completely still between them.

“How do you know about him?” Maddie asked quietly. “Do you remember him?”

“Not at all, but several years ago, I was involved in a situation that required a background check,” Buck said. “And I was questioned thoroughly because I’d apparently lied about having only one sibling. I was told then that I had a brother who died of leukemia when I was a year old. Further investigation proved that I’d not lied—I’d just been ignorant of my own family’s circumstances. They also told me I was a savior sibling. I spent nearly a year in therapy talking about that, Maddie. Being a spare parts baby is a special kind of trauma—especially since I wasn’t even a successful one.”

“Don’t call yourself that, please,” Maddie said. “Daniel adored you, Evan. He even named you. Our parents told him that you were a gift for him, and he believed that until the day he died. They didn’t let me talk about him after he died. I wasn’t even allowed to say his name, and they forbade me from ever talking about him with you. They just erased him from their lives, and we even moved so no one would know they’d once had three children. I don’t even think they kept pictures of him.”

“That’s just…monstrous,” Eddie said, and they both looked at him. “Losing Christopher would destroy me. I’d probably keep every single thing he owned until the day I died. When the tsunami hit…and I thought I’d lost you both, Buck. I could barely function. I don’t understand how they could erase him from their lives and pretend he never existed. It’s obscene.”

“Yeah,” Buck said and sighed. “I don’t want to force this on you, Maddie, but you need an immense amount of therapy. I think maybe even one of those retreat places might be in order. There’s one in San Diego—I looked it up shortly after you got out of the hospital but never mentioned it because it was clear you wouldn’t be receptive. They deal with a lot of different kinds of patients, but there is an entire program for domestic violence survivors.”

“How long would I stay?” Maddie questioned quietly.

“I don’t know,” Buck admitted. “How long does it take to find a new normal? How long does it take to really understand and accept that you didn’t deserve what our parents or Doug did to you?”

“I stayed with him for years.”

“So what?” Buck asked roughly. “That doesn’t mean you wanted it or deserved it. Staying with him didn’t equal some sort of approval of his behavior.”

“I had resources and means,” Maddie said. “Some people don’t. Some people stay because they feel like they have no other choice. I had choices.”

“Sometimes even making the choice to run is overwhelming,” Eddie said. “I desperately wanted to escape my parents when I was in high school. So, I joined the Army the day after my eighteenth birthday, but then I went home and threw up. I was a nervous wreck over the whole thing. I didn’t tell them I’d done it until after I graduated high school a month later, and I only had a week to report to boot camp at that point. My father was shocked and maybe a little hurt. But my mother was horrified and furious. She berated me the entire week I had left at home and made life a living hell for everyone she could.

“She also tried to get the Army to cancel my enlistment but basically got escorted out of the recruitment center very politely while she was lectured on the subject of how her son was now a grown man. I think, even now, she sees me as a boy that she needs to manage and control.”

“I’ve got two days off,” Buck said. “I could drive you down to San Diego if you want to go that route.”

“I’ll start therapy, but I’m not sure about a full retreat. That feels like I’m running away again. And that’s all I’ve ever done,” Maddie said. “I honestly probably need therapy just because of my job. The incoming calls are still overwhelming because of the tsunami. I had five calls today from people finding bodies in their yards or homes.” She rubbed her face with her free hand. “It’s been horrific. I can’t imagine being out there actually retrieving the bodies.”

“It’s necessary work,” Buck said. “But it’s hard.”

“Dad always said that therapy was for the weak and inferior,” Maddie said. “It’s hard to get his voice out of my head. I wonder if Mom would be as bad as she is if she’d had any sort of therapy in the past.”

“She’s said the same thing to me, so I’m not sure who influenced who,” Buck said and Maddie nodded. “But neither of them are a good example to follow. You need to do better for yourself, not for me.”

“Can it be a little bit about you?” Maddie questioned. “Because I’ve hurt you a lot, and that’s the last thing I wanted to do. I’ve behaved badly, Evan, and I don’t know how to make that right. I’m just used….” She took a deep breath. “I’m used to manipulating the circumstances to get what I want.”

“You mean to survive,” Eddie corrected, and beside him, Maddie’s breath hitched. “Manipulating an abuser is one of the ways you survive them, Maddie. You learn what makes them tick, what sets them off, and what makes them happy. Then, you use all of that information against them. You’ve taken that lesson forward in your life, and that’s a mistake that will make things very difficult if you don’t get a handle on it.” He cleared his throat. “And involving yourself with a man like Howard Han is just going to make that kind of behavior from you more acceptable in your mind. Lying and manipulation seem to be his bread and butter. If you want an honest and clean life going forward—he’s not the way to go.”

“I told him yesterday that I’m considering moving back to Boston, and he had a fit. I was just glad it was a phone conversation because it scared me. I told him not to contact me again and blocked his number.” She exhaled slowly. “I’m spiraling, right?”

“I think so, yeah,” Buck said. “Do you feel like you’re dangerous to yourself?”

“No, I…no.” She shook her head. “I’d never do that to you, Evan.”

“It needs to be a decision that you make for yourself,” Buck said. “You need to be able to tell yourself that you’d never do that because you deserve better. When you were with Doug that final day…when I found you.” He cleared his throat. “You told me you didn’t give up. Did it feel like a victory?”

“No.”

“The other day, you said you won because Doug was dead. Where did that come from? What put that in your head?”

“Chimney said it,” Maddie murmured. “He said I won—that I beat Doug. But it wasn’t a game.”

“No, it wasn’t,” Eddie said and just relaxed when Maddie slid her hand into his and her small fingers curled around his palm. “Killing another person changes you—even when it’s justified. I don’t feel guilty for defending myself and my country, but I do sometimes linger over the loss of life. I wonder if I could’ve done things differently.”

“I used to spend hours trying to figure out how I was going to fix Doug,” Maddie admitted. “I thought I could find the man he was before we married—when he was kind, thoughtful, and did dumb romantic things to make me laugh. But all of that was just a façade he put on so he could get me to marry him. He played a really long game.”

“Abusers do,” Buck said. “I have a therapist. I can ask her to give me a name or two for you to consider. Or you can ask your medical doctor to refer you.”

“I’ll speak with my doctor about it, and if she can’t recommend anyone—I’ll tell you.” Maddie huffed a little. “Sorry, I’m interrupting your sleep time. God knows you need it.”

“I was having a hard time going to sleep,” Buck admitted. “Did you make a decision about moving? A clean break from that apartment complex would probably be a good idea.”

“Yeah, I’ve found a little townhouse that I like a lot, and I’m going to use Doug’s money to buy it. I sold the house in Boston, so I have plenty of money.”

Her fingers flexed in his hand, and Eddied wondered if it was an indication of nerves.

“Unless you want me to go back to Boston.”

“I just want you to get better,” Buck said quietly. “And if that means reclaiming the friendships you had in Boston, then you need to do what is best for you.”

Maddie shook her head. “I lived such a shallow and unrewarding life there, Evan. I lied to my friends and co-workers repeatedly, all to protect a man who tried to murder me. None of them ever got in my face about my overt lies, and I know that none of them owed me that. But if I want that honest and clean life Eddie was talking about, then I don’t think I can find it in Boston.”

“About my money.”

Maddie huffed a little. “I’m sorry. That’s none of my business, and I’m sorry for telling Chimney about it. I was just flailing around and trying to control whatever I could.”

Buck hummed under his breath. “Did the money make it easier for you to try to ruin my life?”

Maddie burst into tears.

“Whoa, Christ,” Eddie muttered and stood. He pulled Maddie to her feet carefully. “No ugly crying on my porch. Especially not from a tiny white woman. Someone will call the cops.”

Buck shot him a startled look but took his sister into the house quickly. Eddie followed and shut the door, then locked it for good measure. He wasn’t really worried about someone calling the cops in his own neighborhood, but it wasn’t completely outside of his experience. His mother had often weaponized her ethnicity when he’d been a kid, and he’d had to bear witness to it.

Maddie was seated on his couch with a fistful of tissues, and Buck was hovering a few feet away, staring at her. She blew her nose.

“Has anyone ever called the cops on you because you’re Mexican?” she asked and looked at him with big, sad eyes.

“I’ve been pulled over once or twice for driving while brown,” Eddie said, and both of them looked at him with startled shock. “And once, as a teenager, I was briefly held in police custody because some redneck cop thought I was in a gang. My mother came down to the station like a little tornado and tore three or four different people new ones before her brother, the lawyer, showed up to threaten everyone with lawsuits. I was released and got an apology after I blurted out that I didn’t even know anyone in a gang because I went to Catholic school.”

Buck laughed.

“But why did they think you were in a gang?” Maddie asked. “Because you’re Mexican or…was it something else? You’ve probably never committed a crime in your whole life. Did you have bad friends?”

“Mexican and standing on a street corner in downtown El Paso was enough for him,” Eddie said and shrugged. “In LA, I’d have probably gotten arrested for solicitation.”

Buck groaned. “You’re no man’s rent boy, Eds.”

“Also, I once stole an ink pen from a bank,” Eddie confessed.

“We aren’t supposed to take those?” Buck asked and looked so shocked that Eddie laughed, and Maddie started to giggle with him. “Seriously? I’ve got…a lot of them. I’m a serial pen thief. This isn’t funny. Now I have to go apologize to the Bank of America!”

“Please let me go with you when you do,” Maddie begged and hiccupped twice between giggles.

“It’s telling that you said when instead of if,” Eddie said dryly and shook his head at the two of them before walking away. “You need sleep, Buck.”

Buck watched Eddie disappear into the kitchen and then focused on his sister, who was blowing her nose. He didn’t think he had the emotional resources to deal with her by himself but understood that Eddie was just offering them privacy.

“What kind of decision mechanic do you need?”

She paused and inclined her head a little. “What do you mean?”

“Do you need to create your own options to get started, or do you need someone to help you with the structure?” Buck questioned. “Is that something you want me to help with, or would it be better to throw that in a therapist’s lap?”

“I don’t know,” Maddie admitted.

Eddie came back into the room at that point and offered her a business card. “It’s a PTSD treatment center that the VA recommended to me. They have group therapy for several different circumstances, including domestic violence.” He paused when her breath hitched. “Do we need to use different language when we discuss it? I know words can be just as triggering as behavior.”

“No, I can’t afford to have those kinds of triggers and keep doing the job I do,” Maddie murmured as she took the card. “I’m not sure about group therapy.”

“They have a whole team of professionals—psychologists and psychiatrists who can help you make a plan for dealing with your trauma. It won’t be easy, and they’ll expect a lot of work from you. But they have a great team who will work with you and help you get the experience you need out of their program.” He paused. “You have to be very honest with them, and you need to be open to taking medication if they think you should.”

“Did you?” Maddie asked as she stared at the card.

“I needed an anti-anxiety med when I was first discharged. I was having panic attacks, and I needed to be very stable for the sake of my son.”

“You’re a good dad,” Maddie said pensively. “I don’t think…well. We didn’t grow up with a good example of that. Neither of our parents would even cross the street for us.”

“My mother would cross the street, but she would bitch about it, hold it against me for at least a year, and brag to everyone how I needed her specifically to fix my problem.”

Buck laughed. “Sorry.”

“No, it’s funny in a horrible way,” Eddie said. “It’s two sides of the same toxic coin, in the end. Thoughtless parent versus nuclear helicopter parent—neither is a winner.” He rubbed the back of his head. “I’m going to go do laundry.”

Maddie turned to Buck as Eddie walked away. “Should we be offended he’d rather fold clothes than talk to us?”

Buck shrugged. “Folding laundry makes him feel better. It’s the military man in him. You don’t even want to see that man if you fold his towels wrong.”

“You didn’t even try!” Eddie shouted from the laundry room, and Buck laughed. “They didn’t fit in the cabinet!”

Buck shrugged. “They didn’t. It was a real brouhaha.”

Maddie grinned and focused on the card again. “Do you think….”

“Yeah, I do,” Buck said. “It’s a good choice, and if they think you need more intensive treatment, then they’ll tell you. And for the record, going to a therapy retreat is not running away. It’s making a choice to focus on your mental health, and it’s a choice I would support if you ended up going that route. It’s easy, sometimes, to view every single decision you make as a potential mistake.”

“Fatalism is a hobby,” Maddie admitted, and Buck hummed under his breath. “I’ll work on myself.”

“About your cat,” Buck began and winced when her breath hitched. “I’m sorry for what Doug did. There are few organizations in the area that rescue animals, and I volunteer sometimes. I go walk a dog or play with kittens. Just to kind of mentally unwind. I’ve been considering taking Christopher.”

Eddie reappeared suddenly. “If you take Christopher to an animal rescue, and he comes home with a puppy—you are moving in and taking care of that animal.” He pointed a finger when Buck laughed. “I mean it, Evan Buckley.”

Maddie waited until Eddie walked away again and turned to Buck. “So, what sort of puppy are you thinking? It seems like the best way to move in here and claim squatter’s rights.”

“Maybe one that can be an emotional support animal,” Buck said and glanced toward the hall that led to the laundry room when he heard a little huff from Eddie. “Something small because they live tend to longer. Maybe a beagle.” Eddie muttered from the laundry room about not tolerating a chihuahua. “Golden retrievers are supposed to be great with kids, but they’re certainly a bigger dog with a lot of maintenance on the coat front.”

“But beautiful and sweet-tempered,” Maddie said. “Remember the one that my friend Jolie had?”

“Her service dog, right?” Buck questioned. “She called him Darby.”

Maddie nodded. “He lived about eleven years. She got a new service dog in college—another golden retriever. Do you think Christopher needs a service animal? There are grants that would cover the cost of purchasing and training one.”

“I don’t know if he’d qualify to get one with a grant,” Buck said. “He’s very independent and mobile. It’s worth checking on, regardless. A service dog could go anywhere with him whereas an emotional support animal couldn’t.” He paused. “And certainly shouldn’t.”

“He might not want the responsibility of a service animal,” Maddie pointed out and glanced down the hallway. “Is he really just going to let us sit here and plot to get his son a dog without more input?”

Eddie laughed from the laundry room. “I already named my terms Buckleys!”

“Speaking of,” Buck said quietly. “I think one of the first steps you should take is changing your name legally. Either go back to your maiden name or just pick something else out entirely.”

“I think I’d like to be Maddie Buckley again,” she said quietly. “I need to feel like me. I don’t think I’ll ever take another man’s name—even if I remarry in the future. I need to own myself going forward.”

 

 

Chapter 9

“Thanks,” Buck murmured against Eddie’s shoulder as the man pulled him close and wrapped an arm around him. “She…we needed that conversation, and you made it possible. I don’t know how I would’ve gotten there on my own.”

“I know how to derail what is essentially a trauma response,” Eddie said quietly as they settled in a comfortable pile on the bed. He rubbed Buck’s back gently. “Maddie’s going through a lot, and acknowledging that is difficult for many reasons. She’s going to get to a place where she has a fight or flight response, and giving her the tools to fight will get her through that moment.”

“Did you?” Buck questioned.

“Yeah, I fled El Paso within twenty-four hours of deciding to do it and made my sister, Sophia, sell my house for me. My parents didn’t know where Christopher and I were until nearly a week later,” Eddie said. “I just…I reached this point where I feared they’d take my baby from me, and I ran. I think, honestly, I’d do it again. I can’t ever let them have custody of Christopher.”

“I’ve got the money for us to disappear,” Buck murmured. “Or to destroy them in a very legal fashion that will leave them breathless with shock until the day they die. I know a lawyer who is like a hot minute away from evolving into a T-Rex.”

Eddie laughed a little.

“I’m just saying I’ve got your back no matter how you want to handle it,” Buck said and let his head rest on Eddie’s chest. “We could go to Peru. I’ve got contacts there, and our skillsets are practically universal. It wouldn’t take much for us to get work there.”

“Thank you,” Eddie murmured and cupped the back of his head. “Go back to sleep.”

“If you’re gonna boss me around, you should get up and lock the door,” Buck suggested.

“If I get up and lock that door—you’re not sleeping.”

“Sounds great,” Buck said, and Eddie immediately slid right out of the bed.

“Get naked.”

Buck rolled onto his back, lifted his hips, and shimmied out of the shorts and boxers he was wearing. He tossed both garments on the floor and spread his legs as Eddie turned to face him. Buck watched with half-closed eyes as Eddie retrieved the lube from the top drawer of his dresser and joined him on the bed.

“You’re beautiful,” Eddie murmured and dropped the lube on the bed.

Buck sucked in a breath as Eddie curled his fingers under his knees and lifted. He put his feet flat on the mattress and exhaled slowly as Eddie spread his legs with firm hands.

“You said you liked to be worked open with a cock,” Eddie said.

“Yes, Sir.”

He stayed perfectly still as Eddie trailed one finger up the length of his rapidly hardening cock.

“Your self-control is exciting.” Eddie wet his lips and slid one hand down the inside of Buck’s thigh. “But then your physical strength has always been very appealing. Your restraint and tenderness caught my attention first thing. It was hard to ignore even when you were being an absolute dick to me.”

Buck was relieved that he wasn’t being asked to respond because he wasn’t sure what to say.

“It’s different,” Eddie mused. “I’ve never been in this position with someone I love.”

Buck stretched his arms over his head, curled them around the top of the mattress, and stretched just a little. “How does it feel?”

“Perfect—you’re all I want, Buck. I can’t see how that would ever change.”

Eddie’s hands tightened briefly on his hips then on his thighs. The pressure was good, and Buck’s breath hitched when his lover pushed his legs completely apart. He felt exposed and vulnerable in a way that excited him. It wasn’t something he allowed himself to think about often. Fingers drifted gently over his balls, and Buck relaxed as much as he could.

“How long have you been waxing?”

“Since I was in Peru, Sir,” Buck responded. “I can stop if you don’t like it.”

“You look amazing like this, but that can remain a personal choice,” Eddie said, and Buck nodded as he picked up the lube. “I don’t like to jerk off alone—it’s not particularly satisfying emotionally. On any given day, I’d much prefer to come on you or in you—mouth or ass. I’d rather not make assumptions about your sex drive, so we can discuss that later on the other side of the door. For now, I’m going to fuck you until I’m done. You can come whenever you want.”

“Yes, Sir.”

Eddie opened the lube, and Buck hummed under his breath.

He watched silently as Eddie spread lube over his cock then slicked up two fingers. Buck clenched in anticipation and groaned softly when Eddie rubbed his lubed fingers over the rim of his asshole. He lifted his hips into the slight penetration.

“Be still.”

“Yes, Sir.” Buck exhaled slowly as he relaxed on the bed.

Eddie pushed both fingers in to spread the lube but then pulled them free. He positioned his cock, pressing the fat head against Buck’s hole, and pressed in slowly. The burn was absolutely delicious, and Buck shuddered as his partner put both hands on his chest. Being held down, surrendering to the physical strength of another in such circumstances, was such an immense turn-on that his cock jerked. It smacked lewdly against his stomach, where it lay hard and aching, then started to leak.

“Let me know if you have problems breathing,” Eddie ordered as he let more of his weight rest on Buck. “You don’t have any kinks around air constriction, right?”

“No, Sir.” Buck took several deep breaths. “Everything is fine in this position, Eds. I’d tell you if you were hurting me. I promise.”

Eddie nodded his agreement and started to rock gently into his hole. Buck clenched his fingers on the top of the mattress and wished he had something better to hold on to. It was another discussion to have on the other side of the door. He focused on what he was being given, and his eyes fluttered shut briefly as Eddie started to slide in deeper with each thrust.

The care and attention Eddie was giving him caused tears to well. He turned his head slightly and closed his eyes.

“It’s okay, baby,” Eddie murmured. “I’ve got you.” He left one hand on Buck’s chest and slid the other one down to cup his hip.

Buck shuddered as Eddie pressed his thumb against his hip bone, even as he pushed into his body completely. Precious few lovers had ever taken such care with him, and it was everything he wanted. The physical pleasure was second to the emotional contentment that was settling on him like a blanket.

“You’re so sweet like this—beautiful.” His hold on Buck tightened.

Buck shuddered as Eddie bottomed out with a hard thrust. It only took three deep thrusts before he came hard all over his stomach and chest. Eddie groaned and rolled his hips just a little, then started to move faster and harder.

He got lost in it, eyes half-closed as Eddie used him to get off. Buck adored it in a way he’d rarely admitted to, and most of his sex partners would never know what he’d gotten out of their encounters unless they’d taken place in the dungeon. Eddie braced himself on Buck’s chest again with both hands and slowed down as his breathing grew harsh. It wasn’t the exertion as the man was in superior shape.

Buck watched, pleased and relieved, as his partner shook apart and came with a harsh groan. Eddie sank down, sprawled across Buck, with a loud exhale.

“You can touch me,” Eddie murmured, and Buck immediately released the mattress in favor of stroking both hands down Eddie’s back. “I’ll let you know when you can’t.”

“I….” Buck considered how to respond to that because the idea put him off. “Yes, Sir.”

“What?” Eddie questioned and pressed a soft kiss against Buck’s mouth. “Talk to me.”

“Being told that I can’t touch you would feel like rejection. So, it would be easier for me, emotionally, if you just tell me when I can touch you, and I’ll assume I can’t otherwise on this side of the door,” Buck admitted.

“Okay,” Eddie said easily. “Please don’t hesitate to tell me what you need for me to hear. I want to get all of this just right. Our sex life should really be the last thing we have issues in since we’re really compatible.” He paused. “Right?”

“Yeah, you banged that out,” Buck said, and Eddie laughed.

“I want to take you to El Código and put you in a sex swing,” Eddie confessed, and Buck couldn’t help but clench around Eddie’s half-hard cock in response. “We can’t make that kind of structural choice in this rented house.”

“Then let’s buy a house,” Buck murmured and ran a hand through Eddie’s hair. “I’m selling the loft as soon as I can.” He wet his lips. “You said you didn’t care about the sugar baby fund. Did you really mean that? Will it bother you to spend that money on a house for us? And maybe…a surrogate so we can have a baby.”

“It won’t bother me at all,” Eddie assured. “But….”

“What?” Buck questioned.

“I don’t want you to take any more money or gifts from Brayan,” Eddie said quietly. “I know he’s not trying to buy your love or your submission, but I can’t tolerate that no matter how much I like him.”

“Okay,” Buck said easily. “Did you want me to pay him back for the nursing care I got after the bombing?”

“No, that would hurt him, and I’d never want to do that,” Eddie said and pulled carefully from Buck’s body. “Get the shower going, and you can clean us up.”

“Yes, Sir,” Buck murmured and slipped from the bed quickly.

* * * *

Eddie shifted his weight and waited for the man he’d been partnered with for his volunteer shift to get into position. He’d been kind of relieved to cross paths with Ray Gaines’ team again, and Thomas Marshall had proven to be very competent.

“Ready?”

“Yeah,” Eddie said and slowly started to make his way down into the crevice they’d found in the collapsed building.

He’d gotten a close quarters certification after the earthquake and didn’t regret it, but he hadn’t ever thought he’d be using it because of a tsunami. The building was old and had been damaged from earthquakes, so it had crumpled like a house of cards against the tsunami. Eddie glanced up once to check on his partner for the day and found Thomas handling the belay easily. The other man had assured him that Eddie was a lightweight and was nowhere near his limit.

Sae was starting her climb down, and Ray Gaines was running her lines. “You should join us.”

Eddie picked his next foothold carefully. “I’m happy where I am.”

“You could bring your partner with you,” Ray called down cheerfully, and Eddie laughed. “He’s a real beast, and I’ve already asked the chief’s office if I could have him.”

Eddie didn’t know how Bobby would take that.

“Got told all about myself, and they suggested I ask Bobby Nash straight to his face if I could have his favorite firefighter. And I’m not sure I want to have that conversation with a man who tackled a suicide bomber.”

“For Buck,” Eddie clarified and got a grunt of acknowledgment for his trouble. “It matters. There’s a lot of loyalty there—between them.”

The smell of stagnant water was wafting up, and fortunately, there was no smell of decomposition along with it. There were two people missing from the apartment building, and they were doing a survey before big machinery came in to excavate for the bodies. They had a dog on site who had signaled at the crevice, so they were doing a physical check.

Eddie landed in the water first and hit solid ground before it reached the top of his boots. “I’m standing on a concrete floor, and there is about two inches of water. No indications of human decay.” He scanned the area with his flashlight. “Is the dog LAPD or SAR?”

“Why?” Sae asked.

“Just curious,” Eddie admitted. “The site is a big mess, and he might have signaled on something other than a body if he’s a police dog. The handler would be able to tell, right?”

“Unsure,” Gaines said from above them. “The dog is retired LAPD and here as part of the county’s volunteer SAR team.”

“Give us some slack,” Eddie said as Sae joined him on the ground.

She went left, and he went right. Ten feet from the opening, his flashlight hit a swath of yellow. He paused briefly, then moved forward quickly. A small boy was curled up on a slab of concrete. His heart lurched as he moved closer and reached out to touch him with slightly trembling fingers. The boy’s eyes snapped open the moment he touched him.

They stared at each other in the near darkness for a long moment then he reached out to Eddie with both hands. Eddie tucked his flashlight away and picked the boy up, then activated his radio. “Cap, I’ve got a small boy—maybe three years old.”

“Christ,” Gaines said quietly.

“Alive,” Eddie clarified. “He’s alive, sir. I thought the two missing people were adults.”

“They are,” Gaines said. “I’ll contact dispatch.”

* * * *

Eddie stripped off all of his clothes directly in front of the washing machine and dropped them all inside. He was alone in his house as Christopher was at school, and Buck had been gone when he got home. He’d gotten a text about running errands, but his afternoon had been full, so he hadn’t responded. Now, he wished he had, as he had no idea of Buck’s schedule at all.

He walked through the house naked and got in the shower. They’d found the missing adults dead in the rubble, but finding the boy had been the highlight of their day. Moreover, it was nice to see the parents already waiting at the hospital when they arrived. The boy had been missing since the tsunami and had been reported swept away from a shopping area nearly ten blocks away from the collapsed building. The parents had already been planning a memorial.

It had been a sweet spot in an otherwise miserable day.

He was washing his hair when Buck came into the bathroom. “Hey.”

“Heard you guys had a big win this afternoon,” Buck said. “Everyone was excited.”

“It was…yeah. I was so relieved he was alive I nearly cried,” Eddie admitted as he exited the shower and snagged his towel. “Captain Gaines asked me to join his team and invited you as well.”

“Oh, I heard about that, too,” Buck said wryly. “The chief’s office did pass it on to me. I got calls from Bobby and Cosmo confirming that I wasn’t going to say yes.” He cleared his throat. “And I got clearance to tell you what’s going to happen at the 118.”

“Oh yeah?” Eddie questioned.

Buck drifted into the bedroom and came back with a T-shirt and shorts. “The 118 is going to be retooled into a task force station. Each shift will have two captains, and the bureaus are currently making decisions about how that’s going to be done. So far, they aren’t recruiting outside of the LAFD for those positions, and the incoming sessions at the academy are going to be twice the size of normal since more than one task force station is being built. The 118 is going to double in size, and we’ll be focusing on urban SAR.

“I’ve been offered my own unit.”

“That’s great,” Eddie said. “I’m with you, right?”

“Bobby told me you would be unless you wanted something different,” Buck said as Eddie dressed.

“I don’t,” Eddie assured. “Having your back on the job is very important to me. How big will your unit be?”

“Unsure, at least four. They’re bringing in several urban SAR vehicles. We’ll be getting pay raises to coincide with the work done at a task force station as well. They considered moving our station to a new location but, in the end, just purchased the land next door for expansion. So, there will be some construction work starting in the next few months.”

“Sounds messy,” Eddie muttered. “I’m starving.”

“We can order, or I can cook,” Buck said. “We’ve got stuff for a few things in the kitchen, but we need to go grocery shopping.”

“Ugh,” Eddie muttered. “I can’t handle a grocery store right now. Do we have stuff for breakfast?”

“Sure. Pancakes?”

“Just toast,” Eddie stretched and yawned. He’d ended up taking a midnight until noon shift with the FEMA operation, and he felt a little off-kilter. “Any problems with Chris’ drop off?”

“A teacher from an upper level questioned me about his return to school so soon after his trauma,” Buck said. “I’d already spoken with the principal, so I kind of felt like she was intruding on something that was none of her concern. She’s not even his teacher; she was just in the office, and I don’t like how she already knew his name and yours.”

“Flores, right?” Eddie said as he pulled eggs from the fridge. “She introduced herself to me several times in the pickup line. I keep pretending to forget who she is, but that’s clearly not working. She’s flirty and aggressive, which is such a turn-off that I felt like I might crawl out of my skin.”

Buck laughed.

“Regardless, I’ve already asked them to make sure she doesn’t teach Christopher next year. I don’t know if she knows that or not. She knows his name because she was briefly his teacher but got moved to the fourth grade due to a staffing issue and being qualified to take someone’s place. There was a whole announcement about it, like the school was making sure no one thought she was being punished or demoted or something. Very weird email,” Eddie said and headed for the toaster when Buck took the eggs from him. “Are you eating, too?”

“Yeah, I’m starving as well. After I dropped Christopher off, I went to the loft and did some cleaning. I set up an appointment with a realtor as well. Then I went and had a conversation with Brayan. He’s very happy for us, and he promised not to intrude. I assured him we intended on remaining members of the dungeon but that our relationship would be exclusive.” He paused. “Right?”

“Right,” Eddie assured as he put six pieces of toast on the rack and closed the door to the toaster. “Bacon or sausage?”

“I have some steak already cooked in the fridge. Let’s slice that and heat it up in a skillet.”

“Sounds great,” Eddie said. “Thanks.”

“I had some time on my hands after you left, and Christopher wanted steak fajitas for lunch.”

“You sent him to school with steak in his lunch box?” Eddie questioned.

“He wanted it.”

“You’d spoil him rotten if I allowed it,” Eddie muttered.

Buck laughed. “I’d have to get in line behind you. Regardless, he got steak fajitas for lunch, and we’re having steak and eggs. It worked out for everyone. Anything from Shannon?”

“No.” Eddie leaned on the counter next to him. “I haven’t called her to talk about Christopher being in the tsunami since I didn’t need the stress of her reaction on top of everything else. She’ll definitely make it about herself, and due to the fact that she doesn’t have any legal rights, I don’t actually have to tell her anything. I think the ethical choice is to tell her; I just don’t want to. She doesn’t seem to give a fuck about either of us unless it serves her purpose in one fashion or another.”

“Do you think she might take you back to court over it?”

“No, she doesn’t want to be responsible for him,” Eddie said. “She just wants to insert herself into my life because I rejected her before she could reject me.”

“Gross,” Buck muttered. “Would it hurt Chris if you just cut contact altogether?”

“I already told her that any visits going forward would have to go through a visitation center. I doubt she’ll go that route. So, if I don’t reach out to her—I don’t know if she will. It’ll hurt him because deep down, he still wants better from her no matter what he says.”

“I get that,” Buck admitted. “I know my parents will never be better than they are, but I wish they were. I wish they loved me. I wish they’d never tried to hide Daniel away. I wish…a lot of things. Most of all, I wish that I’d been enough to save him.”

“Look, Buck, you have to know that his chances of survival were already incredibly low by the time you were born. A bone marrow transplant at that point must have had terrible odds,” Eddie said gently. “It certainly isn’t your fault that he died, and it was never about whether or not you were enough.”

“I know that intellectually,” Buck said roughly. “I just wish…for better. So, I understand Christopher wishing his mom was almost entirely a different person. But how do we manage his expectations? She’s already broken his heart once.”

Eddie took a deep breath because the thought of that was infuriating. “I can’t give her the chance to do that again, Buck. I simply can’t allow it, which means I need to cut her off entirely and tell him that I’m making a decision for our family to keep us safe.”

“I think he’ll respond well,” Buck said carefully. “If it’s couched as a choice that he’s part of.”

Eddie nodded and retrieved the steak from the fridge. “Sounds like…yeah. I think that’s the best choice. I’m going to speak with his therapist first and maybe have that conversation in her office. Would you like to be there as well?”

“If I’m allowed,” Buck said. “And he’s comfortable with it.”

“Of course, you’re allowed,” Eddie said quickly. “I want…you’re our family, Buck. You know that, right?”

Buck cracked some eggs into a bowl as he nodded slowly. “I just want him to be comfortable with that choice as well, and therapy is a different animal, as you know.”

Eddie sighed. “Yeah, I do know. Okay, well, I’ll ask him, then speak with the therapist about it. I also wanted to ask her about a service animal since you and Maddie were talking about it. I’ve been considering it, and I feel like he could use emotional support more than anything. I don’t know if he’d need to take the animal to school, but I guess it would depend on how much he likes having it with him. I think a service animal opens up his options if we can get a grant for it.”

“We can pay outright,” Buck reminded. “I know they’re expensive, but his comfort and independence are worth it. Maybe he’d also like the security of a service animal.”

Eddie nodded. “It’s something to speak with him about. I believe a pet would be good for him regardless, so let’s start thinking about it.”

* * * *

Buck turned on the dryer and left the laundry room as the doorbell rang. By the time he entered the living room, Eddie was standing in the entryway with Chimney.

Chimney glared at him briefly but then averted his gaze when Eddie cleared his throat. “I need to speak with you, Buck.”

“About what?” Buck asked in confusion. “I heard you transferred out of the 118 to avoid me and made that clear to practically everyone. Thanks for that, by the way, I’m sure I’ll get some grief for it. I’ve never done a damn thing to you, Chimney, so I really don’t get why you basically hate me.”

“I don’t hate you,” Chimney muttered. “You’re just…you’ve been given too much, and I can’t stand that. Bobby’s favoritism is going to come back to bite him eventually, and that’s why I’m here.”

“What do you mean?” Buck questioned and sat down in a chair when Eddie slouched down on the sofa.

Chimney sat, though he was clearly reluctant and uncomfortable. “You’re going to ruin Bobby’s career with the LAFD, and if you had an ounce of respect for him—you’d leave the 118.”

Buck didn’t buy that for a minute. “Interesting angle. Why do you care? Aren’t you at the 56 now?”

Chimney frowned and shrugged. “I’m just trying to make a clean exit, and Bobby’s got enough working against him because of his past. He doesn’t need your bullshit going forward, and I care about him. He’s too invested in you to even see the kind of reputation he’s earning. I’ve been hearing stuff since I started working at the 56. I heard the A shift captain wants you and Eddie on his team.”

“Don’t worry about that,” Buck said shortly. “We aren’t moving to the 56. In fact, I wouldn’t even work overtime over there now because of you. Because I never want to work with you again, either. I can’t say you’re bad at your job. In fact, you’re great at what you’re qualified for when you’re on point, and you leave your ego at home where it belongs. But you’ve got psychological issues that make you difficult to be around, and I won’t be taking any crap from you going forward.”

“Bobby trusts you too much,” Chimney said flatly. “What have you ever done to deserve it?”

“What have I ever done to deserve to be treated like shit and emotionally abused by a co-worker?” Buck questioned in return. “I’ve always been honest with Bobby, even when it was detrimental to me personally. I’ve never shied away from owning my mistakes, and I know how to apologize when I fuck something up. You may think I’m arrogant, but I don’t bring ego to the job. I don’t pretend to be anything more than what I am. I work hard to train and prepare for a job I happen to love. Tell me why I should twist myself up to make you happy.”

Chimney stared at him. “You’ve ruined my life, you know. One of the people at the 56 asked me if my old crew blamed me for the bombing.”

“I’ve never said anything like that and would correct anyone that made that kind of assumption,” Buck said warily.

“Yeah, well, plenty of people at the 118 have made comments about the fact that I wasn’t on the ladder that night and I’d made you sit in Bobby’s seat. It’s like they think I did it on purpose and that I knew about the bomb.”

“That sounds a little paranoid, Chim,” Buck said and shrugged when the older man huffed at him. “If anyone at the 118 has a problem with you, it’s because you let your temporary promotion go to your head, and you were a complete dick to people. You honestly don’t have the right kind of personality for management or leadership. I’d never want to follow you in the field again, and I’m glad I don’t have to now. If you hadn’t transferred, I would’ve.”

“Yeah, well, Bobby chose his golden boy. Like he always does,” Chimney said snidely and crossed his arms over his chest.

“Why are you here?” Eddie questioned, and Buck focused on him. His partner looked furious. “I just came off a twelve-hour shift on the tsunami clean up, Chim. I’m really not in the mood for bullshit. Get to the point.”

Chimney glared at him, and Eddie just raised an eyebrow. “Maddie blocked me, and I want to talk to her. I need to make things right with her and explain whatever bullshit lies Buck told her.”

“I’ve never lied to my sister,” Buck said. “I don’t have to lie to anyone about your terrible behavior, Chim. You’ve been an asshole to me from practically day one of our association. You actively slut-shamed me, dude. You laughed when I was assaulted by strangers, and assumed I was some piece of shit womanizing bastard who deserved it. I should’ve filed assault charges against four different women during that whole catfishing thing.”

“Maddie’s going through some stuff,” Eddie said. “And doesn’t deserve your bullshit right now. The last thing she needs is a habitual liar and womanizer in her life trying to insert himself into her healing journey. She had to kill the man she once loved enough to marry in order to survive, and I don’t think either of you understands exactly how traumatic that was for her. Killing another person, even when you’re justified, changes you forever. I’d know.”

Buck’s gut clenched, and Chimney looked appalled. “What? You know he served in the Army. He was awarded the third highest combat service medal the Department of Defense has, Chim.”

“I just….” Chimney shook his head and looked away from them both. “It didn’t cross my mind she once loved that asshole who tried to murder me.”

“There was a time when Doug Kendall was everything that Maddie wanted in life–he was smart, good-looking, and when they met, he was in medical school. She thought she’d found her life partner and defied our parents to date and marry him. My mother couldn’t stand Doug, but Maddie refused to hear a single negative word about him. She looked so happy on their wedding day—she practically glowed with it. Her prince charming, unfortunately, turned into a monster.”

“She just cut me off!” Chimney snapped. “I tried to call her at work, and I was told if I didn’t leave her alone, they’d file a complaint.”

“You tried to call dispatch to speak to a woman who blocked you from contacting her on her personal phone,” Eddie said, and Chimney huffed. “Do you want to get accused of stalking an employee of the LAPD? What’s wrong with you?”

“My sister doesn’t owe you anything because her husband tried to kill you,” Buck said flatly. “She doesn’t owe you anything because you were so-called friends. She doesn’t owe you anything because you almost dated. In fact, no woman owes you a damn thing, so you need to check your dick privilege.”

Chimney stared at him in shock. “Who are you to say shit like that to me? After the way you act?”

“You mean the fact that I can get laid whenever I want?” Buck questioned, and Chimney huffed. “Listen, Chim, it’s really simple. I’m attractive.” Eddie laughed. “And I’m honest. There was a time when I was single that any available adult person in my range who was game for it was going to get some dick if I found them attractive. I was very happy to provide. I never, ever pressured anyone for sex or attention. I would never assume anyone owed me ass because of who I am or what I’ve done for them.

“You’ve got some very toxic and disgusting opinions about how personal relationships should work—sexual or otherwise. You actively abuse people you would call a friend; you encourage immoral behavior for reasons I can’t quite figure out, and you deride people around you to make yourself look better.”

Buck stood. “I’m fucking relieved that we won’t be working together going forward. And for the record, this is me telling you to leave my sister alone. I mean it. Where she is and what she does is none of your damn business going forward.”

“Or what?” Chimney demanded. “Are you going to kick my ass?”

“He won’t, but I will,” Eddie interjected, then shrugged when they both looked at him in shock.

“I’ll pay for the lawyer she uses to sue you for harassment,” Buck said flatly. “And I’ll help her file the police report for stalking. And I’ll go to HR and file a report about your on-duty behavior as a firefighter and a so-called supervisor that will get you fired. You realize I’ve kept every single text you’ve ever sent me, right?”

Chimney’s mouth dropped open.

Buck just shook his head and went to stand in the doorway of the kitchen.

“You can go now,” Eddie said shortly. “And don’t come back, Chim.”

“I thought I could count on you to be a friend, Eddie,” Chimney said. “But you’re picking him, too.”

“I tried to be your friend,” Eddie said in frustration. “Everyone at the 118 did, but you’re too busy wallowing in untreated mental illness to listen to anyone. Someone tried to murder you, for fuck’s sake. You’ve got some serious issues to work through, but you’re too busy trying to pretend you’re fine to even realize it, and you’re destroying your relationships in the process.” He paused. “And for the record, there will never be a day when I don’t choose Buck. If that was a competition in your mind, it was a ridiculous one.”

“Fine, fuck you both,” Chimney muttered and stalked out of the house.

Eddie went to the door and locked then turned to look at Buck. “What texts?”

Buck blew air out between his lips. “He used to send me ugly texts at work when he couldn’t get away with saying shit in front of people.” He shrugged. “It wasn’t always about me, but he seemed to use me as a dumping ground for all of his ugly opinions and thoughts. I kept it all.”

“He clearly seemed upset to know that,” Eddie said. “Do I want to read them?”

Buck considered that and shrugged. “He rarely targeted you unless you got to do something with me that he considered to be exciting and was pissed that Bobby didn’t let him do it instead.”

“Right.” Eddie sat down on the couch and picked up the remote. “Come here.”

Buck laughed a little as he sat down because Eddie tugged him close. “Looking for a cuddle buddy, Eds?”

“Always,” Eddie murmured as they slouched together. “We’ve got a few hours before it’s time to pick up Chris.” He turned on the TV. “We can watch something we can’t watch around him.”

“Because it’s too adult or because he’ll judge us?”

Eddie huffed. “Because he’ll judge us.” He browsed the Vudu account they shared and started a Jason Statham movie.

“Great,” Buck murmured. “Let’s cut it off before they leave that little dog in the ocean to swim by herself.”

“It was a total dick move,” Eddie agreed.

Buck let his head rest on his chest. “Love you.”

“Love you back,” Eddie murmured and pressed a kiss to the top of Buck’s head.

 

 

Epilogue

Six Weeks Later

Eddie ran a trembling hand through Buck’s hair and spread his legs further as his partner eagerly sucked his cock. Due to Buck finishing up with his new certifications at the academy and Eddie’s own schedule, they hadn’t had a lot of alone time together. Buck had spent most of his off hours selling his loft, storing his stuff, and gathering information on houses for them to look at.

Sex had taken a back seat a lot, and he could tell that he wasn’t the only one a little greedy for it, so he was glad that he’d woken his lover up when he’d gotten home from his shift. He reached over and pulled the lube from the bedside table.

“Enough.”

Buck pulled off with a little pout but sat back on his heels and stared expectantly. He wet his lips. “For the record, I don’t ever really get enough.”

Eddie grinned. “Get on your knees, brace on the headboard.”

The biggest addition to his bedroom had been a wrought iron bedframe that had taken the place of the simple platform he’d been using. The moment he’d seen the picture Buck had sent him, he’d understood exactly why his partner was asking about the purchase. So, he’d said yes without hesitation, and the antique bedframe had been purchased, reinforced, and set up in his bedroom.

Buck curled his hands around a pair of bars low on the headboard as he knelt, which put him in a perfect position. Eddie trailed a possessive hand down the long line of Buck’s back and hummed under his breath. His partner was gorgeous on his knees, and Eddie adored how still he was despite the anticipation and his overt arousal. Buck’s cock was wet and leaking cum.

“You’re getting the sheets filthy,” Eddie said, though it was hardly a complaint.

He slicked up his cock and positioned himself. Eddie pressed the head of his cock in, and Buck’s body relaxed into the penetration so easily that he couldn’t help but groan.

“Have you been playing with your asshole without me?” Eddie questioned.

“I….” Buck groaned and lowered his head as Eddie slid right in. “I plugged for a few hours last night before I went to bed. Should I apologize?”

“I didn’t say you couldn’t,” Eddie acknowledged and rubbed Buck’s back before he wrapped a hand around Buck’s shoulder to hold him down just the way he wanted. “We’ll have to make some rules about it.”

“Yes, Sir,” Buck said with a soft gasp as Eddie started to fuck him. “I’d love that.”

“Yeah, you will,” Eddie agreed. “You’re perfect like this—so sweet. I could spend hours in you.” Buck groaned. “You’d love that, too.”

The pleasure was intense, raw, and so exciting that it wasn’t hard to get lost in the hot clench of his lover’s body. Buck was pliant, giving, and utterly at ease in his hold. He’d never known such ownership in an intimate relationship, and it was addicting. It was real and vivid in a way that he hadn’t believed possible.

Eddie pulled out, and Buck groaned softly at the loss. “On your back.”

Buck easily rolled over on his back, spread his legs, and threw his arms over his head. His cock was still hard. Eddie leaned down and licked up the length of Buck’s cock, sucked the head, then took it all the way in. Buck groaned in response but stayed still—taking what he was given. Buck came between one harsh breath and the next. Eddie swallowed the cum and pulled off. He pushed Buck’s legs back and open, then pressed his cock back inside his lover’s ass.

“This is my hole,” Eddie said.

“Yes, Sir.”

“From now on, you have to ask my permission to put anything in it,” Eddie murmured as he worked his cock in with one hard thrust after another, his hips smacking against Buck’s relaxed body. “No matter where I am.”

Buck groaned. “So, if you were at work and I was at home….”

“You’d have to call me and ask my permission to put in a plug,” Eddie finished. “And I’ll decide how long you’re allowed to wear it.” Buck’s cock, which was half-hard, jerked a little. “Every single time from now on.”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Tell me why,” Eddie ordered.

“Because it’s your hole.” Buck’s back arched slightly, and his eyes fluttered shut. “Sir.”

“That’s right.” Eddie’s grip tightened on Buck’s thighs, and he pressed him down against the mattress, which made his lover shudder. “You belong to me, Buck. Say it.”

“I belong to you, Sir,” Buck responded quickly, and cum gushed out of his cock and splattered all over his chest. “Fuck!”

Eddie groaned and rocked into Buck one final time, then came. He rubbed Buck’s thighs gently as he released him. He slowly pulled out. They were both still for a moment, then Eddie laid down beside him. He trailed his fingers through the cum on Buck’s stomach with a pleased hum that he couldn’t help but make.

“I love you like this,” he murmured and pressed a soft kiss against Buck’s shoulder.

“Filthy and full of your cum?”

“Exactly,” Eddie said. “I love you every other way, too.” He reached over Buck and picked up his phone from the bedside table to check the time. “We’ve got two hours before Chris gets out of school. You said you wanted to go the farmer’s market?”

“Yeah, Chris mentioned he’d like to take a salad as a side for his lunch tomorrow with the pasta we’re having tonight for dinner,” Buck said and stretched. “Also, so I have a list for that, plus we need some fruit. We’re low on apples, and that’s his favorite after-school snack. Are we still going to have the conversation with him tonight about buying a house?”

“Unless you’d like to postpone it,” Eddie said. “Are you worried?”

“No, I think he’ll be excited if we make it clear he gets to participate and help us choose a house that works for us. I don’t know how he feels about such a permanent situation, though. He took me living here in stride and asked a bunch of questions about why I was selling the loft.”

Eddie considered how to answer that and realized that being explicitly honest would be the best choice to make to alleviate any anxiety that Buck had brewing. “He called you Papa during the tsunami.”

“I….” Buck took a deep breath. “Yeah, but he was upset and scared. I didn’t ask him about it because I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable.”

Eddie laughed a little.

“What?”

“It’s just that’s basically the same reason he didn’t bring it up with you,” Eddie said wryly. “He loves you, Buck, and has considered you a parent for a while now. I really think he’s on board our plan to make a family even if we haven’t discussed it with him.”

“That’s great,” Buck said and exhaled slowly. “I can’t believe we’re here this way after everything that happened. For a while there, I was certain that no matter how careful I’d been, I was going to lose you both. I felt like I’d completely broken us in a way that couldn’t be fixed.”

“I love you,” Eddie said simply. “And even when I thought we could never have a romantic relationship…I wasn’t prepared to ever let our friendship go, Buck. I don’t want to have a single day without you for the rest of my life.”

“Would you be willing to get married again?” Buck questioned. “Will Shannon have any say in an adoption?”

“I’d love to marry you,” Eddie said and let his chin rest on Buck’s shoulder. “And no, she really has no legal rights. She gave them all up to avoid child support payments and parental responsibility. I owe her nothing, not even a conversation when it comes to Christopher. Since she agreed to the severance of her rights in a court proceeding, I don’t even think she could successfully petition to get them back.”

“Do you think he’d say yes?”

“I think he would adore it,” Eddie admitted. “And it would give him a lot of security that I think he needs after everything that has happened. He doesn’t trust Shannon and never will again. But he sees you as a source of safety and love. It’s important, Buck.”

“I never had that as a kid,” Buck confessed. “So, I know how much that means.” He turned into Eddie’s arms when he pulled at him. “We should shower and head out so we can get in line on time to pick him up. I want to be in a good position to give that teacher who has a crush on you a very smug smile.”

Eddie laughed and kissed him gently. “Shut up and go start the shower.”

“Yes, Sir,” Buck said and nuzzled against Eddie’s jaw briefly before slipping out of the bed. He paused at the foot of the bed. “You can trust me, Eds.”

Eddie sat up and leaned back on his hands as he nodded. “I know, Buck. I’ve always known that. You’re the best man I’ve ever met. It made falling in love with you stupidly easy.”

Buck flushed. “Shut up, Sir.”

Eddie laughed and collapsed back on the bed as Buck walked into the bathroom and started the shower. After a few moments, he rolled out of bed and joined his lover and best friend in the bathroom.

Life had never been better.

The End