You’re Going to Hell by Rivka

“SO, what are you here for?”

“Apparently, I read too much slash..”

The short red being looked up from his huge book. “You must have read an awful lot. That’s not usually enough to send someone down here, unless they’re fundamentalist Christians, too.”

“Well, they told me it was the Ties That Bind series by Keira Marcos that pushed me over the edge.”

The little devil perked up. “Oh, you’re a TTB fan? Still? During all these years since the series was wrapped up?”

“Yeah, I even loaded it – and Tangled Destinies, and Sentinels of the Federation – into my perma-profile when the cloud got strong enough that you didn’t have to transfer stuff directly from device to device.”

“Oh, now it makes sense. See, all those people who told Keira she was perverse and sinful were right, and so are all the people who were devoted to her fandom. So, we have a special section for all of you.”

“Wow. Well, tell me the bad news. What is it? What’s my eternal torment?”

He grabbed her arm and started walking her down the hot rock hallways. “Well, first you spend about five months where you have to pay homage to the woman who corrupted you.”

“Ohhh -kay….”

“Then you have to fulfill all the promises you made to her. Hmm… looks like you’ll be doing a lot of cooking. You can only use the implements Lady Amanda had in her kitchen! No replicators, no fancy gadgetry. Just bowls and knives and cutting boards 20th-century style pots and pans and induction stove tops and convection ovens and stuff like that.”

“That doesn’t sound that…”

“And while you’re doing that, you have to stop to read every new thing she puts out – she has a direct line down here, and she knows she’ll be coming here one day. You also have to re-read everything she’s written.”

“And this is ba…”

“Then, you have to put in some time on her home. She’ll need a lot of space and luxury to write what she needs to complete your corruption, you know, and you’ll need to help get it all together. Nothing like making a new soul participate in the prep for their eternal punishment!”

“Okay.” They stopped in front of a large set of double doors.

“….So, will I be eternally hungry or something?”

“Oh, no, you can eat whatever you ate while reading her fic when you were alive.”

“Stabbed with hot pokers?”

“Only if you’re a pretty severe masochist.”

“Denied access to those I love?”

“How would you read Keira’s work without connectivity? If they’re online, you can contact them.”

“I know! You’ll change Keira’s work so that it sucks! But… How?”

“Lucifer, no! Not only would that be unthinkable, I’m not sure anyone but the big Red could do it.”

“Look, I’m not complaining, but this is Hell, right? Place of eternal torment? I mean, this all sounds more like hea…”

“Shhh!” He grabbed her arm again. “Don’t try to protest, mortal, THIS is your fate! The fate of all who followed Keira Marcos down the dark paths of perversion!” He glanced nervously down the hall and opened one of the doors. As  he pushed her through into a beautifully appointed luxury apartment building lobby, he  hissed in her ear, “Tell Keira that hornedKierafan6289 says that he’s preparing something special for the 5 millionth word celebration!”

“Well.” She blinked at the concierge, who looked amazingly like Sean from WMHB. “That was unexpected.”


  1. Bwahaaahaaaa!! Okay – I hope I’m in that Queue!

  2. lol. I’m so going to that hell.

  3. ROFL!

    that was awesome!

    Thank you 🙂

  4. ROTFLMFAO! Oh God that was good! If that’s Hell it sounds Heavenly to me!

  5. oh my! that was hilarious!!

    the only fic mentioned that i didn’t recognize was “Sentinels of the Federation” is this a hint that there is going to be a new fic headed our way? omg!

    ps. my roomie got a little ticked off at me when i squee’d at that thought

    • Tell your roommate to kiss my booty a little ;-).

      I actually do have a Sentinel/Star Trek fusion in the works. lol.

      • *______________* you have made my day!!!!! Sentinel/Star Trek fusion~~~~~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSS! 😀

      • I know. You mentioned it as a WIP in response to someone’s comment – and I think I’m going to love it, so….

      • ….

        “I actually do have a Sentinel/Star Trek fusion in the works. lol.”


        yay! *dies*

        lol I’ve been working on my hell punishment faithfully! haha great fic! and I am hoping that Sentinel/star trek fusion comes out sooooon! *dances*

      • *gasp*Sentinel/Star Trek fusion??? *faints*
        I can’t wait when it comes. Spock!Sentinel & Kirk!Guide or vice versa!!! *squeeking in glee*
        Can you tell me when you are going to post it???

        • I have no idea on posting. It’s very rough.

        • Now we all know that jim is soooo hopped up on sugar and what not that he’d have to be the Sentinel and Spock the …. okay that’s not Logic….
          forget all that. What’s McCoy going to be?

          I’ve never been Big on the Show Sentinel but I have to say Keira is the first and sofar the only one to ever get me to read a non crossover Sentinel fic. I tend to stick with the SGA ones. But I’d soooo read the sequle if She wrote one. *HINT HINT*

          Would Spock get his gene from his mom? Why wouldn’t the lab techs take it out in the splicing?

          Gosh Darnit! Now I want to read it!

          See what happens when you create a bunch of additics! You MUST Feeeeeddd the addiction!!

          • I would say that if a Guide were to marry a Vulcan that it might have been a stipulation that her Guide gene would be passed to her off spring as a condition for accepting the marriage.

      • lol. i can do that. she’s my little sis, and doesn’t quite understand the appeal of your work, YET >:D but i have EVIL plans on that front. then we’ll see mwahahahahaha!!!!

        i can’t wait to read it! if its anything similar to tangled destinies, its going to be FABULOUS!!

      • I knew I had seen this mentioned somewhere! Silly me, running all around in st_ficfinder bugging everyone….of course it’s Keira! ♥

  6. ::Dies laughing:: <–I shall skip on down than xP

  7. ROTFLMAO! Am sending you E-Mail. Give me a few minutes

  8. This does make me wish I’d named our LJ community — THE HAND BASKET.

  9. Hee! This definitely gives me something to look forward to…*g*. Very cute!

    Thanks so much!

  10. Yep, this is enough to make a believer out of me- who needs Heaven when you’ve got this kind of Hell? 🙂 Major squeeage- I nearly spat water on my computer reading this. I’m -so- there. Thank you

  11. What is it, that Spock says in Tangled?? “Hell is where all the interesting people go”?

    THANK YOU, I really enjoyed this!

    • “From what I know of the concept of hell in Terran society—that is where all the truly interesting people go. I doubt it is boring. Dangerous perhaps, but not boring.”

      The only thing wrong with this version is that I don’t hear anything about our resurrection bodies. (Where everything works, I’d really like my working pancreas back.)

  12. So can I join everyone in this hell they have? I would be very happy and would cook for you as much as you wanted me to. Love all of your stories and looking forward to more.
    PS. My birthday is July 9th if you want to post more chapters soon.

  13. Love it, lol!!!

  14. Yeah, for years people have been telling me I’m going to hell (I’m queer, so it’s like an e-ticket ride) and my response is that all the interesting people go there, so what’s the problem? HA, add a new list of ‘cool people going to hell’ to the litany.

  15. yes, if only hell was like that, and keira would meet a lot of us 🙂

  16. Loved this. It’s so good to know I’ll be surrounded by fellow fans when I go!

  17. Too cool for words. Very funny.

  18. *snork*

    That’s *awesome*! Can I sign up? Please? I can proofread and knit socks and I give a mean shoulder rub! 😀

  19. Well,I’d like to make a reservation for at least 2!

  20. Too, too funny! And I so totally agree with Spock, that hell is where all the truly interesting people go. That, the finger thing and bromance are the things that pop into my mind constantly. Kiera has spoiled me, I tell you!

    Sentinels of the Federation? Oh. My. God. ‘Nuff said.

  21. So COOL, see you all their. As Jack O’Neill would say ” Bring Snacks”

  22. I just started reading Keira’s fic a couple of weeks ago, and I can tell I’m already doomed. But what a way to go.

  23. *guffaw*

    OMG, that’s hysterical.

    *giggling like a mad thing*

  24. Too cool. And a Star Trek/Sentinel fic, can’t wait. Can I put in a reservation for a 5th floor corner apartment? 😀

  25. Oh good. We’ll know everyone there!

  26. Right, so when we get there we can eat whatever we eat while reading Kiera’s stuff????

    Breaks out the quality chocolate and coffee in preparation. hmmm… adds bags of Jelly Babies. Hell here I come!

  27. Brilliant fic!

    I look forward to seeing everyone there 😉

    <3 M

  28. lol! This hell sounds highly entertaining. ^__^

  29. I am going to hell, I am going to hell. ( does a happy dance of joy) see you all there.

  30. Sign me up!

    So when reading, I must remember eat all sorts of delicious things… Brownies, there must be brownies, and coffee that Latte White Choc-A-Mocha blend.

    Thanks Rivka, really enjoyed

  31. Right On. Was already going, but now? I can’t wait. Sounds like more fun then the Homosexual hell I was already heading for.

    Cheers Rivka!

  32. Genius! Pure genius!

    See you all in hell!!

  33. Oh this was wonderful!

    And honestly folks, if we are bound for hell, we will all end up taking it over and well… It would be a lot more interesting place than the other option.

    Beautiful job Rivka. I giggled like a mad thing when I read it!


  34. ummm…well one first born child coming up…wish I’d offered Chinese food…

  35. I’ll bring popcorn!

  36. that was prophetic fiction,hell is the more interesting option and if keira fic is not allowed then i dont want to go!!!
    plus i would have me when i was 18 and just enjoy hell to the fullest ,plus i can cook!
    thank you rivka,laughed a lot,always love stuff that can make me laugh aloud usually stuff just makes me smile.picky bitch…yes!!!

  37. i’ll bring chocolate and monkey bread! we can almost have a slumber party down there. we’d have snacks and fics and things to talk about. all we’d need is someone to bring the drinks!

  38. But… I don’t eat when I read… time to change my habits.

  39. Great story, Rivka! I now look forward to seeing you all in Hell! I hope that I get my 22yo ass back, too. :>)

    (And I’ll join in the swooning about a Sentinel/Star Trek fusion.)


  41. When i read Sentinels of the Federation, i confess i thought of SGA-Sentinel meeting StarTrek Reboot.
    i remember reading a fic crossover of SGA and Startrek, but ST meeting Sentinels and Guides for the first time, would be pretty funny.

    Spock would be their first real alien they ever met. I wonder what they would think of him. has anyone ever thought about the similarities of the Wraith and Vulcans? do u think Spock could use his Vulcan nerve pinch on the Wraith?
    can only imagine what a feral Sentinel Vulcan would be like.

    do you think they serve Landshark beer in Hell? its my favorite beer of the moment and would hate to be living a deprived life down there. i imagine its hot enough to make me very thirsty. and please, dont tell me its a DRY heat!
    beer me, please.

    • You’ve read Sentinels of the Federation??? And there was a similar story??? Please send the link!!!

  42. Yes, please! Sign me up for this version of Hell. Wonderfully funny story.

  43. I come and re-read this just to have a giggle as it’s just so much fun, every time. Thanks.

    I’m signing up to join you all in Hell. So I need to start seriously eating and drinking while reading Kiera Marcos.

    Let me see cookies, chocolate, crisp, nuts, sweets (candy), wine and coffee. Check. Wait, wait, I forgot my Mum’s treacle tart and cream and Nan’s nut Pavlova. Oh and some jam doughnuts and cheese straws. Also fish and chips and white toast with butter and Marmite and strawberries and Mars bars and everything else I ever craved while pregnant and my doctor told me not to eat.

    (Goes off to raid the larder)

  44. Ohhhhh! Where do I sign up?!?!? If this is Hell, I SO want in! Please don’t leave me with THOSE PEOPLE! You know, the ones that think everyone else is going to Hell. That really would be hell *wibbles*

    PLEASE, I wanna go play with you guys! I promise I’ll be good, or bad depending on how you look at it. I’ll bring my own whips, and I’ve got great booze and chocolate to add to the pantry. 🙂

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